This week ...

THING: Sabrina T. Scale of Menchie's Frozen Yogurt

STATS: 18 inches square, 20-pound capacity, 6 inch height

COST OF FROZEN YOGURT: 23 cents per ounce

LARGEST YOGURT CUP EVER MEASURED: Four pounds

ALTERNATIVE USES: Bookend, Doorstop, Weapon (if thrown correctly)

FATHER: Richter Scale

BROTHER: D-Minor Scale

WOULD LOVE TO COME BACK AS: A pharmaceutical scale

WOULD HATE TO COME BACK AS: A Weight Watchers scale.

"Just don't ask me about that Interpol song, ‘The Scale,'" insists Sabrina T. Scale, the frozen yogurt scale at Menchie's Frozen Yogurt in Federal Way.

"‘Pick a rose and hide my face?' Are you kidding me? What the hell does that even mean? Nice lyrics, Interpol." 

I immediately knew what song the female scale was talking about. And dammit, I was totally going to slide that into our conversation. But Sabrina came out of the gate with an attitude, so I quickly changed my tone. I wasn't going to be nice this time around.

"You have a very cold, hard personality, Sabrina. What gives?" I asked. 

"Um, have you seen where I work? I'm in a friggen‘ FROZEN YOGURT shop, Einstein. Of course I'm cold and hard. Besides, I sit here on this counter all alone as people chow on delicious, healthy frozen yogurt. They use me for nothing but weight measurement," Sabrina cried, "I feel used and dirty."

In fact, Sabrina was not dirty at all. I know this because I saw the employees at Menchie's clean her, which leads me to believe that along with being cold and hard, she may also be partially blind. Or have no eyes. Yeah, that's what it is. I'm pretty sure Sabrina T. Scale has no eyes.

"How do you know the flavors are delicious if you can't see, Sabrina?" I said as I inquired in a tone that suggested I was brilliant. She explained, "I just know. I can hear them as they switch out toothsome flavors such as Cake Batter and Hawaiian Delight to Butterscotch and Original Tart. It's hell, Steph, pure hell. Except, what hell would be like it if ever froze over."

I glanced around at the 12 yogurt flavors, some of which were either kosher, sugar free, low-carb or dairy-free and most of which were filled with live and active cultures. I also saw 32 candy toppings, eight fresh fruit toppings, six  chocolate-themed toppings and four syrup toppings. Damn, they looked good.

"So, what's up, tubby? You're gonna pick the low-fat yogurt this time, right?" Sabrina hollered in my direction. 

Sigh. Yes, Sabrina, low-fat it is.  Happy F***ing New Year, everyone.

[Menchie's Frozen Yogurt, 1409 South 348th Street, Federal Way, 253.835.2110]