This week ...

Person: Aaron Tumale, dough-tosser at The Rock Wood Fired Pizza & Spirits

Stats: 23, Male, Filipino/Japanese/Hawaiian, single

Reads: Room Full of Mirrors, comics, Harry Potter

Drink/Smoke: Yes/Yes

Movie: Pulp Fiction

Marriage: What?

One night stands: No comment

Boxers or briefs: Boxers

Tattoos: No

Local music: Matt Coughlin

When I ran into Aaron Tumale as he was tossing dough in The Rock's pizza kitchen numerous enlightening thoughts immediately ran through my head. For instance: His last name sounds exactly like a delicious Mexican delicacy. Also, my distracting presence did not seem to interfere with Tumale's highly skilled dough- tossing. And then, of course, if I were to tell someone (say, for instance, a captive group of Weekly Volcano readers) that I found him all alone "tossing his dough," it would make for such amazing, easy sexual innuendo.

What also came to mind as I chatted with Tumale was the always-impending question of whether or not he was Bandito Betty date-worthy.  Recently divorced (insert congratulatory applause here), Bandito is one ready and willing contestant for my ever-intriguing plight to match her with a perfect mate.  She indulges me only slightly because of her willingness to partake in my nutty adventures, but mainly because she doesn't find out about my invasive plans until after seeing them in print.

With pen in hand, I began to probe, hoping to find a match made in heaven for my faithful sidekick. I had gotten the traditional statistics out of the way; now what was important were personality traits that could only be discovered upon DeRosa questioning.  Read: Let's find out if he's a breast man.  Ta-ta lovers unite, y'all.

I noticed how the mounds of un-tossed dough were strikingly similar to mounds of silicone breast implants.  I asked his co-workers if they'd ever caught Aaron back in the kitchen, all alone, fondling the unbaked pizza mounds for an abnormally perverted length of time.  No one budged.  No one would answer me.  In fact, no one cared if Aaron got to second base with the pizza dough.  This could only mean one thing ...

From what I can gather, Aaron may have a naughty ta-ta streak in him, albeit unbeknownst to his pizza-serving co-workers.  What was proven is that the team of employees at The Rock does not kiss and tell - which is good.  Bandito needs a man who can keep his wits about him after a night of passionate mound mashing.   After all, it's a helluva lot better than tossing your dough all alone.