REAL STORIES FROM REAL BARTENDERS >>>

I've been a bartender for a long time. I have met countless freaks, jerks, pervs, sweethearts, rockstars and crazies. Even though it's a physically and mentally exhausting job, these are the colorful people that make it all worthwhile. Well, that and the tips.

I'd like to share with you some of my personal experiences behind the bar, along with the stories from some of my fellow bartenders. Each week - under the clever heading of "Behind Bars" - I will dig into my memory bank - and the incident log books that all bars keep - to bring you some of my favorite stories.

Names of bars, bartenders and patrons have been changed or withheld to protect the innocent.

And the not so innocent.

Cheers!

This week: More aural adventures

This week, as we've done before, Behind Bars takes us on another aural adventure.

Sometimes these aural treats come from eavesdropping. Other times, they spew straight at us from the mouths of customers.

For example ...

Here are a few direct quotes.

Some are humorous:

"You alcoholics have a bartending problem."

"Can you please microwave my vodka for 7 seconds?"

"Do you have some matches so I can light my fart?"

Some are scary:

"Hey mama, can I take you to my family's trailer? They'd love you."

"I'll be back to spit in your face, bitches! Burn in hell!"

"I've been up for like 3 days; you got something to take the edge off?"

And some are just plain amateur:

"I'm sorry, but I have to pay with a twenty."

"I'd like a Rodka Vedbull."

"Can I have your wellest whiskey?"

Ahh, sweet South Sound, thank you for allowing us bartenders the chance to bridge those gaps in humanity that can only be filled by a little cash and a strong pour.

Until next time, keep those glasses full and spirits high.

"BEHIND BARS" LINK HUB

LINK: Big & Rich

LINK: Tales From the Incident Log Book

LINK: The Tip Jar

LINK: Aural Adventures

LINK: Smooth Transitions

LINK: The Pooper