REAL STORIES FROM REAL BARTENDERS >>>

I've been a bartender for a long time. I have met countless freaks, jerks, pervs, sweethearts, rockstars and crazies. Even though it's a physically and mentally exhausting job, these are the colorful people that make it all worthwhile. Well, that and the tips.

I'd like to share with you some of my personal experiences behind the bar, along with the stories from some of my fellow bartenders. Each week - under the clever heading of "Behind Bars" - I will dig into my memory bank - and the incident log books that all bars keep - to bring you some of my favorite stories.

Names of bars, bartenders and patrons have been changed or withheld to protect the innocent.

And the not so innocent.

Cheers!

THIS WEEK: Oh puck!

We all have our moments of pride as bartenders. Sometimes it's a smooth night, with tons of tips and a huge crowd  -- and we're able to pull off the evening without a hitch.

And we all have our moments of shame.

The till might be $50 short, or a fight broke out before it could be diffused, or you fuck up a dirty dry martini straight up shaken, not stirred. Granted most of these moments are in the green years of bartending, but with some instances you just can't shake that feeling of "ugggh" - even years later.

Here's one such moment.

It was the end of a pretty normal Friday night, plenty of metal had poured from the jukebox and plenty of Oly had poured from the taps. I was in my first year of bartending and on dish duty. Just bullshitting around with my co-workers and polishing up pints, I came across a glass with something pink and sparkly jammed in it. I tried to tap the item out, but no luck. So I shoved my fingers in the glass and tried to fish it out, all the while trying to figure out what it was. I concluded it must be a candle, do to its texture, size and color. 

After dislodging the "candle" I did what comes naturally - I stuck the thing up to my nose to see if the scent complimented the sparkly pink color. It right at this very moment that a look of horror crossed my face. My "candle" reeked of piss.

That's right; my "candle" was a urinal puck.

So! Let this be a lesson to all you aspiring bartenders. Never trust anything in a glass that isn't beer. In fact, don't trust that, either.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I think I'm going to take a shower ... I'm suddenly feeling very dirty.

Ugggh.

"BEHIND BARS" LINK HUB

LINK: 86'd

LINK: More Aural Adventures

LINK: Big & Rich

LINK: Tales From the Incident Log Book

LINK: The Tip Jar

LINK: Aural Adventures

LINK: Smooth Transitions

LINK: The Pooper