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I've never liked Valentine's Day. In third grade-as was customary-my classmates and I were required to pass out Valentine's Day cards to one another. Later in class, someone walked around the room with a trash receptacle for people to dispose of their torn-up envelopes and such. Having read and absorbed every cursory, impersonal card I had received, I then took my arm and swept the pile of cards and paper off my desk and into the trash bag. My classmates collectively gasped and I was suddenly the worst person in the world.

To this day, that is the feeling I get from this godforsaken holiday. Refusal to participate automatically labels one a curmudgeon or some euphemism for a sad, lonely, insensitive asshole.

But I know I am not alone! As V-day fast approaches, I am certain there are others who share my exasperated sigh at the thought of having to endure another year of this exclusionary bullshit.

It is for you that I provide "Happy Loving Couples," a timeless anthem of the anti-lovey-dovey. It is performed by none other than Joe Jackson, that king of snide misery.

Those who hate Valentine's Day but are generally in support of love may find solace in "Not Given Lightly." Performed by Chris Knox, the godfather of New Zealand indie rock, it's genuinely one of the most touching love songs in existence. Sings Knox, "This is a love song to John and Leisha's mother. This isn't easy; I might not write another." One of the most endearing qualities of "Not Given Lightly" is how clearly uncomfortable Knox is with the idea of writing a love song; that he is compelled to do it anyway is what makes this song truly special. You really believe him when he promises that he doesn't say this to just anyone.

Brace yourself for the 14th; be wary of impersonal love notes.