NO PAIN, (ELEV8)TION GAIN >>>

Embedded on the couch, listening to the one millionth day of rain rattle my Pabst cans in the backyard, a thought occurs to me: Life isn't what it used to be. Duh. So, all channel-flipped out, I ball myself into a fetal position on the couch and pray for the end of the moisture.

But then the sedative hiss of televised nothingness yanks me back to life. Just when the mind was racing to conclusions that maybe I need to pick up those rusted Pabst cans, some weirdo network in the 600 range of channels pops on Battle of the Network Stars.

You could act a little more excited.

Remember the 13 televised years of B-List celebrities with their feathered hair and short shorts making complete asses of themselves as they navigated an obstacle course to B-List victory?

I do. It was awesome, especially when Mackenzie Phillips and Tina Yothers squared off. In your face Dancing with Stars!

This Saturday, Tacoma will witness its own public obstacle course excitement as folks will run, jump, climb and crawl through Northend streets. Unfortunately, Elev8 Fitness owner and (ELEV8)TION GAIN organizer Kjersten Salzman says Joyce DeWitt or Dolph Lundgren haven't registered yet, but there's still time - although the event is capped at 300 people so act now.

"Yes, this is the first event of this kind for Tacoma," explains Salzman. "I have participated in events like it and thought, ‘hey, we could do that ... better.' Since I personally hate to run unless there is a ball to kick, goal to score or someone chasing me, I never participate in the runs we have in Tacoma. I thought (ELEV8)TION GAIN would give the athletes and people like me something different to compete in and Tacoma something new to offer."

The obstacles Salzman chose are certainly challenging but are able to be completed by all. Each obstacle has modifications for different endurance levels.

"I wanted an event that was literally for anyone and everyone (over 21 so we can drink afterwards of course)," Salzman adds. "I also wanted it to be a challenge just to see if you can do it. This is why there are no chip times, winners or age categories to place in at (ELEV8)TION GAIN. This is an all out, can I hack it event."

Unlike Battle of the Network Stars, there won't be marshals to make sure you stay in bounds (no official course either) or tattle tails if you don't do a challenge. It's up to each individual how hard he or she wants to push it.

As for the obstacle challenges, you won't see Scott Baio rope swing across a water hazard. You won't see Heather Thomas in an egg on spoon race with Kristy McNichol. You won't see Erik Estrada losing in roller-skating to one of the girls in Eight is Enough." Instead, you'll see your neighbors performing pushups, squats, burpees, star jumps, Amy crawls using the Tabata Protocol, which consists of eight intervals or 20 seconds of all-out maximal exertion with 10 seconds of rest per exercise. You'll toss a medicine ball, maneuver a kettlebell and mess with a giant tire until you want to puke.

"We have tested the course. It's not a walk in the park. Its challenging in a "I did it, I'm dirty, I might vomit (if you really push yourself) but I feel really good about what I just accomplished" sort of way," says Salzman.

The after party is at Terry's Office Tavern across from the Elev8 Fitness studio on Proctor Street. Expect a beer garden, band, food specials - and all participants get a free beer.

All your questions may be answered on the (ELEV8)TION GAIN FAQ page here.

And you never know. You might see the chick from Buck Rogers battling the guy from BJ and the Bear in a timed plank hold during (ELEV8)TION GAIN. It would elevate the after party no doubt.

(ELEV8)TION GAIN

Saturday, April 16, 9 a.m., $65
course to be announced soon on the event's website
Register here

UPDATE: The event will begin at Sherman Elementary School