TONIGHT WILL BE NOTHING LIKE ROSS >>>

Ross: Hey, what have you guys been up to?

Phoebe: Oh! We went to a self-defense class today!

Rachel: Yeah, kicking a guy in the crotch all morning really takes it out of ya!

Joey: Takes it out of you?

Phoebe: Now, we can kick anybody's butt!

Ross: After one class? I don't think so.

Rachel: What? You wanna see me self-defend myself?! Pretend you're a sexual predator! Go on! I dare ya!

Ross: Well, of course you can defend yourself from an attack you know is coming, that's not enough. Look, I studied kara-tay for a long time, and there's a concept you should really be familiar with. It's what the Japanese call unagi.

Rachel: Isn't that a kind of sushi?

Ross: No, it's a concept!

Phoebe: Yeah it is! It is! It's freshwater eel!

Ross: Y'know what? Fine! Get attacked! I don't even care!

Phoebe: Come on Ross. We're sorry. Please tell us what it is.

Ross: Unagi is a state of total awareness. Only by achieving true unagi can you be prepared for any danger that may befall you.

Phoebe: You mean in case someone is trying to steal your bamboo sleeping mat or your kettle of fish?

Ross: All I'm saying is, it's one thing being prepared for an attack against like each other; whole other story being prepared for an attack, I don't know, like a (turns and puts his face close to Rachel's and screams) surprise!

(Rachel calmly wipes the spittle off her face.)

Ross: All right, you knew that one was coming, but that doesn't mean you have unagi.

Rachel: Ooh! Y'know what? If we made reservations, we could have unagi in about a half-hour.

Ridiculous? And then some. The above Friends TV show dialogue demostrates how our society has destroyed the lore of the martial arts. It's an outrage!

Tonight, the Olympia Film Festival will screen REAL martial arts in action when it presents a Wu Tang Kung Fu double feature: The Mystery of Chess Boxing and Bastard Swordsman.

The Mystery of Chess Boxing is the quintessential ‘70s rKung Fu flick: bad dubbing, slapping-tin-pan-fight-sounds, zooming close-ups on the eyes of the villain and some mad eyebrow hair in the bargain.

Bastard Swordsman is a grand spectacle of a film with a wildly romantic plot and supersonic mystical kung fu and swordplay. Love, honor, revenge and non-stop action are all packed into one tight, flashy, 90-minute mini-epic.

Yea, sure. How do you really know when on-screen martial arts action is real? Below are a few signs to pay attention to tonight at the Capitol Theater.

The Kiai:  This is the loud yell you hear kung fu people scream as they break ice, kick down doors or even just enter a room full of thugs. The yell is called a "kiai," but the yell doesn't have to sound that way phonetically.  It could be a "HIYAH," or even a "WHOOPEE." A kiai should be a personal expression of fearsome inner power.  The louder the scream, the better. If you can't kick their butt, maybe you can make them go deaf.

The Fighting Stance:  A pose that says, "Bring it on, sucka!"  This is the basic stance to stay in when fighting.  Just like Jim Carrey in Dumb and Dumber - fists are up, best foot is forward, and the tongue is moving like a dog after downing a jar of Jiffy.

Concentration: Focus is essential. If you take any sort of kung-fu instructional lessons, you'll discover your body can do just about anything you want it to if you concentrate enough. Or you can try not to blink which can pass for concentration. Or psychosis. Either one is OK.

The films screen tonight at 11:30 p.m.(!) at the Capitol Theater. For more information on the Olympia Film Festival, and today's film schedule, go here.

For a sneak peek at The Mystery of Chess Boxing, check the trailer below. Real!