JUST POKE ME IN THE EYE NOW >>>

To watch the original Three Stooges shorts these days can be a little disheartening. Somehow, it's not as funny to me anymore to watch aging vaudevillians hit each other with hammers. I distinctly remember being a kid and getting kinda disturbed by a Three Stooges gag where their sergeant (because, of course, they were in the Army) made them stick their heads in a trough of water, and then fired his gun underwater, deafening them.

Yikes. Er, nyuk nyuk?

It's clear to me that the only way to improve upon those original shorts is modernize them. Yeah, that's the ticket! Really freshen them up!

Well, I - and, by extension, you - are in luck, because those darn Farrelly Brothers have done just that, opening Friday nationwide. Have you ever wanted to see Moe interact with Snooki, from Jersey Shore? Of course you haven't! Because no one watches that show anymore, making the idea of including a Snooki cameo as dated and oddly sad as the notion of three bumbling morons who specialize in carpentry, gourmet cake decorations, bottled milk delivery, opera, and eye-poking.

I wonder if there will be some winking commentary on how Moe, Larry and Curly manage to thrive in this economic climate with them having as many jobs as they do. Spoiler alert: there will be.

Snarky fish-in-barrel-shooting aside, it must be noted that the three actors chosen to portray the Stooges (Will Sasso, Sean Hayes, and Chris Diamantopoulos) have seemingly mastered their impressions. Good, I guess. But these roles were originally supposedly going to filled with Jim Carrey (Curly), Benicio Del Toro (Moe) and Sean Penn (Larry).

Can you imagine how fucked up and amazing that movie would have been?

That is the only Three Stooges movie that I will ever see. Let me know when they announce that Harmony Korine has been attached to direct.

LINK: Three Stooges 2012

LINK: Movie times and descriptions screening in the South Sound