They both produce guttural grunts. They both house hairy necks. And, they both can produce sparks of romance. But between Northwest Trek's Elk Bugle Tour and Tacoma's Squeak and Squawk Music Festival - both going down the weekend of Sept. 14-15 - which event truly rules? Read on and find out!

All the Lonely People

ELK BUGLE TOUR: Northwest Trek's Elk Bugle Tour draws people who want a rare glimpse into the wild and wonderful world of Roosevelt elk during the "rut" or breeding season.

SQUEAK AND SQUAWK: Anyone who knows a lick about indie music has to be excited about this festival.

Edge: Obviously, observing hooved animals "do sex" as Pat Robertson says with fellow horn dogs is more exciting than watching "piggyback dancing" where a girl briefly attempts to dance while riding on the shoulders of some dude, before immediately losing her balance and slipping off back into the crowd. Elk Bugle wins this category.

Speaking in Tongues

ELK: "EEuuuh, eeEEeeuh"

SQUEAK AND SQUAWK: "You are the smell before rain, you are the blood in my veins!"

Edge: What does it feel like to be bathed in indie rock lyrics? Well, it feels a bit sticky. There's no clever joke there. That's just how it feels. Elk Bugle Tours receives the nod.

Overheard Outside the Bathroom

ELK BUGLE TOUR: "Seriously, pour me a Chardonnay and stream Michael L. Drake's "Elk Autumn" and I'm good."

SQUEAK AND SQUAWK: "If you believe that lo-fi indie-rock pioneers Pavement peaked with 1994's sophomore album Crooked Rain, Crooked Rain, but that Stephen Malkmus redeemed himself with his eponymous debut solo album, then I'll give you a lift home."

Edge: Have you heard Drake's "Elk Autumn"? Enough said.

Violence Inherent in the System

ELK BUGLE TOUR: Testosterone-charged male Roosevelt elk challenge each other for breeding rights to herds of female elk. The often-bloody mating rituals of elk locking antlers as they push one another back and forth to exhaustion in order to assert their dominance can be seen from the trams.

SQUEAK AND SQUAWK: A clumsy girl will trip over a backpack during a dream pop band's third song, "Hey Meg. Phone. It's London."

Edge: Violence is as American as apple pie. Elk Bugle Tour takes another category.

Winner

It's hard to say. Both have their redeeming qualities. Since it's likely elk will continue to mate for years to come at Northwest Trek, it's our responsibility as people who love music to help fund the Squeak and Squawk Music Festival. "It's good for Tacoma's young people to have something to do besides get bonkers drunk and spit peanuts around a room," Squeak and Squawk Music Festival co-founder Sean Alexander told the Weekly Volcano in 2008, the year the festival launched in Tacoma. To help fund Squeak and Squawk, visit the festival's Kickstarter. Hurry. The festival is still a little short on its funds. Squeak and Squawk's Kickstarter closes at 2 p.m. Sunday, June 16.