Wow wow wow. The first few seconds of the trailer for The Best of Me actually made me laugh out loud. We open with not one, but two, unattributed quotes about love and stuff (the first one, hilariously, credited to "Anonymous"). If you thought you'd seen Nicholas Sparks get all Nicholas Sparks-y, then you ain't seen nothing yet.

The Stephen King of trashy, condescending romance novels has returned with another sappy story of two lovers in peril. Beginning with two high schoolers in love, we then flash forward 20 years to find them reunited after backwoods thugs kept them apart. Because this is based on a Nicholas Sparks novel, we can expect lots of kissing in the rain and candlelit proclamations of devotion, right before incongruously pulpy violence enters the picture.

It's amazing how much cache Sparks has just because everyone cried at The Notebook. The bizarre war-torn romance of The Lucky One and the absurd last-act twist of Safe Haven (which I would love to spoil for you right now, if that movie weren't so ridiculously enjoyable to watch and gawk at) weren't enough to shake lose the legions of adoring fans of manipulation and pretty people with Southern accents frolicking.

What might remain the most unbelievable aspect of this movie - barring a Safe Haven-esque left turn - is watching the young leads somehow age into James Marsden and Michelle Monaghan. Like the actually pretty good 17 Again, this aging process seems to involve the fundamental reshaping of skull structures. Also, there may have been a time tunnel involved to account for the non-existent 20-year difference in age between these actors.

Still, I'll eagerly await reading spoilers of The Best of Me, in the hopes that it can rival Safe Haven - which, by now, I hope I've teased you into watching. Seriously, that shit's bonkers.