STEPH DEROSA: IMAGINING SEX WITH HER DAD GROSSES HER OUT >>>

I think it was last week or so when Bandito Betty and I were sidetracked into the Goldfish Tavern on our way to Point Defiance.  (Alcoholic moments with her just kinda run together, seeing as how there are so many.)  As with any stop I make in or around Tacoma, I took advantage of the opportunity to scope out the bathroom.

As I faced the dilapidated tiny wooden door to the women's facilities, I noticed the sign said, Women's Restroom¬" Step Up.Reason for this signage: there was a large step to conquer on your way in - a step any inebriated person would fall victim to.  I couldn't help but read the sign in the voice of a motivating women's basketball coach.

Women's Restroom!  Step UUUPPP!  Holla!

The small percentage of like-minded deranged people with similar voices in their head will know what I'm talking about.  The rest of you, ignore what I just said and keep reading.

Inside the dorm room closet-shaped lavatory I recalled my very first visit to the Goldfish Tavern. If you can believe it, it was actually a first date. Nice, huh? Better yet, it was a blind date. This guy obviously knew how to win me over. Back in my single life I would have never turned down a gourmet dinner and fine wine. But given the option, I always found things to be more laid-back and pressure-free in a relaxed social atmosphere -like a dive bar.

No pretentiousness, no pretending, no fake first impressions. I like to get down to the nitty gritty on these dates. Besides, the guys would often let their guards down and allow me to see the true asshole they would eventually become, and that normally one wouldn't notice until the third date.

During this first blind date at The Goldfish Tavern I begin to notice an accent I hadn't heard come out of his mouth before. (We had talked on the phone prior to the date.) It was one of those really annoying Canadian accents where he literally said eh?after every sentence. As if he was either so insecure he needed to ask for acceptance after every statement, or he was just that unintelligent with his vocabulary that he couldn't end the sentence correctly. Either way, it was nothing but irritating for this Texas-bred girl. I was raised to believe anyone residing north of Oklahoma was a hell bound Yankee, and should be avoided at all costs. (Brande Lemke, I know you're reading this, am I right?)

Aside from the ignorant Candian-ese, he managed to talk about fishing the entire time. He was literally, like right out of a bad book of 101 Fisherman Jokes, using full arm movements to demonstrate how he caught the fish and exactly how big (he wished) the fish was. I was dying a slow painful death. Fortunately I had beer as my savior.

Needless to say, we were not a match, and never went out again. He called a few times, but my final excuse for not being able to pursue the relationship was that he had the same name as my dad. I shudder at the thought of having a raging orgasm with a man and screaming out my dad's name. F that noise. Literally.

Great, now I'm nauseated.

So after all of this I got to thinking about horrible dates, and I began to ask my friends to tell me about theirs. I have some pretty good stories already, but I would like to hear yours. Feel free to email me, but know two things: You will always remain anonymous, and I will most definitely be using your story in one of mine.

MATT DRISCOLL: FUCKING WITH THE BOSS >>>

So, our fearless leader here at the Weekly Volcano, Ron Swarner, is in Vegas this week. To prove it he just sent me this photo from his phone.

Dick.

MATT DRISCOLL: NOW HE'S JUST RUBBING IT IN >>>

Apparently, it's called the Tao Beach Club at the Venetian.

Still a dick.

STEVE DUNKELBERGER: FRESH IDEAS>>>

Centerstage Theatre, the rising star of the South Sound theater world, has proposed to the Federal Way Arts Commission that the Federal Way-based  nonprofit theatre company take over the management of the city-owned Knutzen Family Theatre. The theatre is where Centerstage performs its shows as the anchor tenant of the facility that also offers other arts classes and programs.

In his proposal, Centerstage Artistic Director Alan Bryce suggested that such an arrangement could benefit both Centerstage and the City of Federal Way. Centerstage has proposed that the city pay a management fee of $75,000 to operate the building, saving the taxpayer $50,000. In turn, Centerstage would save the $40,000 rental and labor costs at the Knutzen plus the $8,000 rental on its current office space, plus whatever revenues it could generate through rentals and other presentations. 

“This financial cushion is also beneficial to other performing arts organizations and to the taxpayer, because, if Centerstage continues to operate as frugally as it has in the past four years, there will be no need to go back to the arts commission, or to the city manager and ask for supplemental funding,” said Centerstage Artistic Director Alan Bryce.

STEVE DUNKELBERGER: CHALK ART>>>

Watch artists from around the South Sound change an ordinary city sidewalk in Olympia around he State Capital Museum into something new with Trompe L’oeil artworks in chalk. Trompe L'oeil means "that which deceives the eye," and it refers to art that uses realistic imagery to create optical illusions, making objects appear three-dimensional. Offered in partnership with Capital Lakefair, the work will be in progress between 11 a.m. and 3 p.m. July 19 rpc.technorati.com/rpc/ping
at the museum. The event is free.

[The State Capital Museum and Outreach Center is located in the historic Lord Mansion, seven blocks south of the capital campus in Olympia, at 211 21st Avenue SW. WashingtonHistory.org.]

ART
Visiting Artist Summer Series
The Museum of Glass will begin its Sixth Annual Visiting Artist Summer Series this week, featuring a different visiting artist at work in the Hot Shop each week. The Summer Series begins today and will continue for 11 weeks, concluding Sept. 7.

Museum visitors and glass enthusiasts can track all the action of the Summer Series from their computers this year, with streaming video footage live from the Hot Shop Amphitheater. Each summer, MOG invites a selection of artists from Pilchuck Glass School in Stanwood to participate in five-day work residencies. Summer Series artists work with the Museum’s Hot Shop Team, exploring various glassmaking techniques and styles. Each residency will feature a Conversation with the Artist, public lecture and slide presentation at 2 p.m. on Sundays.

Artist Fritz Dreisbach kicks the series off today. â€" John Herbert
[Museum of Glass, 10 a.m. to 5 p.m. with a lunch break from 1-2 p.m., $10, 1801 Dock St., Tacoma, 253.284.4750]

JAZZ
Kareem Kandi
Tacoma-based sax player Kareem Kandi performs a style of jazz that incorporates blues, funk and rock. Kandi, who lists his influences from such renowned jazz greats as Charlie Parker, Dexter Gordon, Sonny Rollins, and John Coltrane, plays in a free-style manner that sounds improvised. â€" Tony Engelhart
[Pour At Four, 7 p.m., no cover, 3814 N. 26th St., Tacoma, 253.761.8015]

LINK: Ted Wallis & The Company and others in the clubs tonight.
LINK: Check out when the movies start.
LINK: Let's eat Greek today.

BOBBLE TIKI: BREAKFAST WITH BOBBLE TIKI >>>

THE DAILY WORD

Forlorn \fur-LORN; for-\, adjective:
1. Sad and lonely because deserted, abandoned, or lost.
2. Bereft; forsaken.
3. Wretched or pitiful in appearance or condition.
4. Almost hopeless; desperate.

USAGE EXAMPLE: With a forlorn look on his face, John McCain admitted to the crowd that he was actually 147 years old.

MORNING NEWS

TACOMA: BNSF rail deal a go

OLYMPIA: Height argument

SEATTLE: Cat sized rats

UNITED STATES: Obama's new look

ENVIRONMENT: Green movies this summer

JUST BIZARRE: WTF license plates

MORE STRANGE NEWS: Beautiful mistiming

THINGS TO DO TODAY
FILM LISTINGS: Look here
MUSIC LISTINGS: Here’s what’s happening
SHOOT THE SHIT: Weekly Volcano forums

SUZY STUMP: AS THE PAINT BRUSH FLIES >>>

One day www.myspace.com/madhattea ">Mad Hat Tea Company co-owner Maureen McHugh visited Tacoma artist Linda Lapping's house. Lapping had a slew of crow paintings in various stages leaning against walls. McHugh was enthralled. She asked Lapping to show at her tea shop. Then, because there's plenty of room, McHugh added some of her crow art and talked to two artist friends and they talked to two artist friends â€" and it snowballed like that hair commercial. End result: A crow study, by a flock of artists in various media coming together for an art party tomorrow at the Mad Hat. Sounds like the place to hang your hat.

[Mad Hat Tea Company, opening night party Thursday, June 26, 5-10 p.m., 1130 Commerce St., Tacoma, 253.441.2111]

LINK: More Crow Show photos on the Volcano's Photo Hot Spot site.

LINK: Visit Mad Hat Tea Company

DANIEL BLUE: MEET CODY JONES >>>

Cody Jones is a master of textersation. I have no idea how old he is or how long he has lived in this town, but legend has it that he started the whole "artist loft" movement back in the '40s when Tacoma was the rum running capitol of the world.

Cody Jones plays keyboard for a band called the Elephants, and is the leader of a Chest Hair Club for Men (of which I am a proud member). Being a sensitive type, it is difficult for me to get Cody to pose for pictures. I think I got this one because he was deep in the tunnels of texted woe. "Benji the Hunted" is what they call him on certain social networking Web sites, and if you've seen the girls line up at the tour bus, you wont ask why.

Cody cares for Tacoma, he has worked hard to maintain a music scene worth attending and participating in. He is careful with his relationships and always extremely encouraging of people's efforts, artistic or otherwise. It is difficult to measure the impact that a Tacoma band has on Tacoma when they begin to succeed in the wider world, some musicians pretend like they have never been here, Cody will bite your arms off if you talk crap.