STEPH DEROSA: I NEED A SHOWER >>>

It’s been over seven long, tedious months since the birth of the Bar Exam, our Weekly Volcano’s bastard child.  I don’t even want to imagine what went on during Bar Exam’s conception, but something tells me it was a combination of dominatrix-style porn and a malfunctioning prophylactic. 

Today, in celebration all the cheap beer and multiple tetanus shots I’ve endured, I give to you my Best of Bar Exam here.

Yeah, I know the Weekly Volcano’s Best of Tacoma issue isn’t until July 31.  Shut up!

SUZY STUMP: IT BURNS FOR THREE DAYS ONLY >>>

“Hey, now, huh-huh
Hey, hey, hey, no, (ow, now)
Hey, now, huh-huh
Hey, hey, hey, no”

Enough. Ohio Player’s song "Fire" popped into my brain when I first heard about The Helm’s three-day show, Fire, Fire.  The song has actually no correlation to The Helm’s show â€" Vanessa La Valle artistic depiction of her experience of losing her house to a fire with photographs and her charred belongings.

The Helm launches the show today in conjunction with tonight’s Third Thursday Art Walk in downtown Tacoma. The gallery at 760 Broadway will serve treats including cupcakes from hello cupcake.

“Got me burnin', burnin', burnin'
Got me burnin', burnin', burnin' (yeah)
Got me burnin', burnin', burnin' (yeah)”

Yeah, no â€" still doesn’t make sense.

LINK: Suggestions for Third Thursday Art Walk tonight.

KEN SWARNER: WHAT I’M EATING >>>

Dishes I love, Part I: Mongolian Beef at Hot Teriyaki.

I’ve railed a bit about American derivatives of Chinese food, but in the category of sinful foods I love, Hot Teriyaki’s Mongolian beef makes my all-time favorite list.  This Lakewood eatery (8013 Steilacoom Blvd.) isn’t much to write home about â€" It’s your typical teriyaki joint with vinyl seating, counter service and all of the standbys.  But the Mongolian beef, diced thin and cooked crisp, mixed with onions and carrots and a sweet sauce served with white rice tastes hearty.  The dish combines fantastic texture and aroma. It’s comfort food that goes with any season. 

BRAD ALLEN: RIDING FRUITY SHOTGUN >>>

Imagine the sidecar (Cognac, orange liqueur â€" Cointreau or Grand Marnier  â€" and lemon juice) with strawberry instead of orange flavoring. Bartender Dino at The Crown Bar says he has tons of fresh, local strawberries and raspberries and he’s making major substitutions with his drinks â€" strawberry sidecars, raspberry mojitos and some girly drink a few ladies pointed out to him in Martha magazine or some shit like that.

Pictured above is the strawberry sidecar I threw back last night. Tasty.

STEVE DUNKELBERGER: THEATER THURSDAY >>>

Bigger Than Life
Encore! Youth Theater is presenting Bigger Than Life, a play about American folktales and legends presented by circus master P.T. Barnum. The show tells the tale of when P.T. Barnum arrives in town with his traveling troupe of circus performers only to have the mayor question Barnum’s motives.  So the master showman agrees to give audience a sample of his act. What follows is knee-slappin', rip-roarin' fun, as some of the best loved characters in American folklore come to life. As Barnum might say, prepare to be amused, amazed, astounded, edified and infinitely entertained.
[Encore! Theater, July 19 2:30 and 5:30 p.m., $5, 6615 38th Ave. N.W., Gig Harbor, 253.858.2282]

Children of Eden
Capital Playhouse’s production of Children of Eden opens today. It’s an inspirational two-act musical with music and lyrics by Stephen Schwartz and is based on the Book of Genesis reenacting the story of Adam and Eve, Cain and Abel and Noah during the great flood that destroyed the world. While using the Bible as a plot source, it freely deviates in many details, and is a story of parents and children. With a modern, nearly through composed score, this show expresses beautiful music and clever storytelling. Troy Arnold Fisher directs and musically directs this large, brilliant ensemble cast and features several talented returning Capital Playhouse stars including Ryan Tunheim and Jocelyn O’Keefe as Adam and Eve and Eddie Carroll and Gabrielle Guilfoil as Noah and Mama Noah. The cast is backed by an amazing costume plot by resident costume designer, Tom C. Hudson. The animals of the arc are guaranteed to astound audiences.
[KJM Center, 7:30 p.m. Thursday-Sunday, 2 p.m. Sunday, $10-$15, South Puget Sound Community College, 2011 Mottman Road, Olympia, 360.943.2744]

Early Exploration of Inland Washington Waters
Learn about life in the Pacific Northwest when the land was young and there were only three latte stands on every block. Richard W. Blumenthal will present stories from the journals of John Meares, Jose Norvalz, Manuel Quimper, Francisco de Eliza and Alcala Galiano/Cayetano Valdez. George Vancouver's voyage is also included with a description of the area and its people by Peter Puget and others in this program at Historic Fort Steilacoom.
[Historic Fort Steilacoom, July 20, 2 p.m., donations, 9601 Steilacoom Boulevard on the grounds of Western State Hospital, Lakewood, 253.756.3928]

MATT DRISCOLL: WHAT THE HECKFEST IS THIS WEEKEND >>>

This week, in celebration of an awesome music festival that probably, like, four people from Tacoma are going to, I dove into Knw-Yr-Own Records’ soon to be released compilation No Band is an Island â€" which features 22 songs from 22 artists playing this weekend’s What the Heckfest in Anacortes.  The festival stretches from tomorrow (Friday, July 18) through Sunday (July 20), and is probably the coolest thing that ever happens in the tiny village. In its seventh year now, and the creation of Bret Lunsford whose name may sound familiar from his time in Beat Happening, What the Heckfest has never had a major sponsor, never had a big ass venue, or never had any real intention of making money. What it has had, thanks to Lunsford’s musical connections, is some of the best indie/underground/folk musical lineups you’ll find anywhere. Kimya Dawson, Mirah, Karl Blau, the Blow, Mt. Eerie and the king of Olympia himself, Calvin Johnson, are all annual performers at What the Heckfest.

But this isn’t really about this weekend’s festival; it’s about No Band is an Island, the compilation CD put together by Knw-Yr-Own to capture the essence of this weekend’s festival. Though No Band is an Island won’t be officially released until Aug. 5, which seems weird to me, when it does come out perhaps it can provide a retrospective glimpse at all the cool shit people who were at What the Heckfest this year saw, and what all of us here in Tacoma missed.

While I might hate their spelling, Knw-Yr-Own Records knows how to put together a compilation. In fact, No Band is an Island may be one of the top 10 best compilations I’ve ever heard. (Editor’s note: Matt Driscoll doesn’t actually have a top 10 list of best compilations. He just wanted to write something complimentary and figured no one would call his bluff.)

Check out my review here.

RON SWARNER: RUNNING THROUGH ART WALK >>>

Daniel Blue and I whizzed through tonight’s Third Thursday Art Walk as we both had obligations.  We stopped at The Helm, The Lark Gallery and Fulcrum Gallery before our buzzing phones won.

The shows at all three galleries are worthy.

Vanessa La Velle’s Fire, Fire is the result of her house burning down two years ago on the corner of Sixth and G Street. Her Helm show consist of photographs of the actual site, assemblage, and other relics from the fire. Oh, I bought my Tacoma poster tonight. Have you bought yours?

Remember the crazy stoner artist in high school that did insanely good drawings of things you'd never be able to dream up?  Well, that's pretty much the gist of the Gods & Monsters show at The Lark Gallery. James Stowe, Andrea Lowen Trenbeath, Jorge Mota, Mike Capp, Tammi Wren, Mary K Johnson, Gretchen Bailey, Ivan Cunningham, and Ryan Loiselle let their inner creepiness out.

Last, Oliver Doriss takes a giant leap forward with his Fulcrum Gallery hosting his friend Bryan Rubino’s spectacular contemporary glass Odysseus’s Garden featuring glass bamboo forests, vessels and flora executed within the Venetian tradition. It’s stunning.

CANCELED

ROCK
Thee Emergency
In my tattered and cigarette burned book, there’s only one emergency worth worrying about: Thee Emergency.
Set to play Bob’s Java Jive tonight with Iceage Cobra and the Death Rays, Thee Emergency is far and away one of the best balls-out rock bands Seattle currently has to offer â€" especially considering the rash of tepid indie rock that seems that have taken over up north. Giving equal footing to heavy soul and smoky, amped-up garage rock, Thee Emergency are a near perfect mixture of everything a rock ‘n’ roll band should be. They’ve got the swagger and they’ve got the chops.  Thee Emergency sets the stage on fire. â€" Matt Driscoll
[Bob’s Java Jive, 9 p.m., 2102 S. Tacoma Way, Tacoma, 253.475.9843]

STAGE
The Rocky Horror Show
Talking about evil stuff, how about the creepy Dr. Frank N Furter and his sex-starved minions. These days, we can string our sexual deviances together into a pearl necklace, as it were, of letters (BD, DS, SM, PS, SBB, CD, TV, TS). Thirty years ago, some of this new vocabulary was given to us by that now-famous transsexual prophet from a distant world. And The Rocky Horror Show still rouses people’s interest, thanks to Harlequin Productions. Audience Partici....pation Kits are available. Plus, they have a liquid concoction designed for the occasion â€" The Sweet Transvestite â€" available at the bar. This is the last weekend! â€" Steve Dunkelberger
[State Theater, through July 22 8 p.m. Thursday-Saturday, special added midnight shows Friday and Saturday, $12-$38, 202 Fourth Ave., Olympia, 360.786.0151]

CLASSIC ROCK
Paul Rodgers
Paul Rodgers was in two very famous bands. His first successful band, Free, joined Cream and Led Zeppelin as leaders of the British blues revival in the late ’60s.  “All Right Now,” Free’s signature song, was recognized by ASCAP for garnering more than one million radio plays in the Unites States alone. When Free disbanded in 1973, Rodgers formed Bad Company with Mott the Hoople guitarist Mick Ralphs. Together they auditioned players and settled on former King Crimson bassist Boz Burrell and drummer Simon Kirke. In 1974 their debut album, Bad Company, took off like a rocket. Rodgers and gang collected six multi-platinum albums before disbanding. 
There still is magic. I still hum “Shooting Star” while faded 1970s Polaroids encased in photocubes tumble through the darkness of my mind like shooting stars. â€" Suzy Stump
[Emerald Queen Casino, 8:30 p.m., $30-$55 at Ticketmaster, 2024 E. 29th St., Tacoma, 253.594.7777]

ROCK
The Jet City Fix
Tonight, The Jet City Fix, along with the Spitting Cobras, Zero Down, and Ultrathin & the Near Death Experience (a fittingly named act featuring Jeff Angell of Post Stardom Depression) will tear down Hell’s Kitchen as part of a benefit to help The Jet City Fix guitarist Ty replace thousands of dollars worth of stolen gear. While, usually, I prefer shows called “benefits” to support causes like colon cancer or third nipple syndrome, just this once I’ll let it slide. Considering the JCF will be on hand to dole out their Grit City perfect brand of club sized arena rock, the decision is easy.
Getting shit stolen sucks. Fans of rock in Tacoma should step up to lend Ty a helping hand.  Tonight at Hell’s Kitchen will be your chance. â€" MD
[Hell’s Kitchen, Friday, July 18, 9 p.m., $5, 3829 Sixth Ave., Tacoma, 253.759.6003]

LINK: Stella Vicarious and other sin the clubs tonight.
LINK: Tons of things to do today in the South Sound.
LINK: Check out when the movies start.
LINK: Let’s eat Greek today.