SUZY STUMP: DONATE FOOD, HEAR MUSIC >>>

I have a terrible secret that I need to get off my tiny chest. I recently flirted my way to a great manicure, and I feel terrible about it. I received it under false pretenses, and now, despite having these sensational fingers, I’m feeling mighty dirty. 

I learned a long time ago that the best way to emerge happy from the chair is to keep the manicurist engaged. The better (and longer) the conversation, the better the service. So when I visited a new manicure shop recently, I decided to really lay it on thick.  I smiled; I laughed, and I was witty and charming.  These are not qualities that come naturally to me.  I even broke out the heavy artillery.  I used my “I sat next to Ashton Kutcher on a plane” story. And nothing gets the rapt attention of a South Sound manicurist like a little Ashton Kutcher name-dropping. At the end of my manicure, I received a bear hug, a wink, and a complimentary lesson on how to shape my nails. Guilt has never looked so good.

So why am I burdening you with my tale of deception? It’s quite simple. I feel guilty.  I need to pay it forward and do a good deed. But I’m me, so I found a good deed that benefits me. I think you’ll enjoy it, too.

Broadway Center for the Performing Arts has teamed up with The Emergency Food Network to encourage non-perishable food donations.  With every donation of non-perishable food items, the Broadway Center will shell out $15 tickets to see the fabulous Juan de Marcos and The Afro-Cuban All Stars on Tuesday, Feb. 17. I’m talking world-class rumba, timba and chachacha people.

Join me on that Tuesday for a night of spectacular Cuban music. Maybe you’ll also see spectacular nails.

[Pantages Theater, Tuesday, Feb. 17, 7:30 p.m., $32-$56, or $15 with your non-perishable food donation, 901 Broadway, Tacoma, 253.591.5894]

LINK: The Afro-Cuban All Stars on MySpace

CHUCK DULA: LOSING WEIGHT AND THREE-WAY SEX >>>

I am a bad person. I hardly ever do anything that a decent human being would consider an everyday happening of kindness. No. Fuck that. I do, however, make bets with bisexual women so that I can have a reason to better myself. My stomach smiles at me whenever I sit down. My legs rub against each other when I am at an outdoor festival. I have a sweet ass. All of these things make it important for me to shed some fat. I need to sweat out the butter that is contained in every Cinnabon that makes my life worth living. I need to lose 25 pounds.

While hanging out with my aforementioned bisexual lady friend the other night I presented her with the opportunity of a lifetime. If I could lose 25 pounds by the first of May â€" she could enjoy an evening of sexual awakening with myself and another female of her choosing. Amazingly, she agreed.

Maybe I am a decent human being? Maybe I am a repugnant dickless lizard?

I have four months to complete my task. I weigh an astonishing 195 pounds. It’s gross. I have gained 188 pounds since I was born! At this rate I will weigh 405 pounds by the time I am 57. This has to stop. Until I'm 25 pounds lighter I'll be recounting my horrible, foodless life here on the Spew. My futile existence will come to fruition on the month of my birth.

And I'll have memories of a hot, three-way with two chicks in addition to a smaller waistline to show for my troubles.

And I'll fucking love it.

Editor's note: Check the Spew every week for updates on Chuck Dula's quest to lose 25 pounds â€" and score that three-way.

LAUREN NAPIER: LOCH LOMOND TONIGHT >>>

A medley of unusual instruments, a sampling of symphonic sounds, and a jamboree of old-fashioned good times, Loch Lomond comes to rattle your bones with the tinkerings of mandolin, viola, clarinet, banjo, flute, and others not commonly found in the scene of modern day music. Formed by the lead singer, Ritchie Young, whose startling voice is striking enough when solo, the band has collected both momentum and members. With seven steady band mates, and the occasional collaborator, the open road has welcomed their unique tunes, and the band has been given the opportunity to play along with many nationally recognized acts, even folksy-famed musicians the Decemberists. Loch Lomond seeks to stun and to please. With a new video for the single “Blue Lead Fences” and a consistently full show schedule, the band is doing just that.

Tonight, Loch Lomond will play the New Frontier Lounge in Tacoma.

[The New Frontier Lounge, with Husbands Love Your Wives, Carrie Biell, Thursday, Jan. 29, 9 p.m., 301 E. 25th St., Tacoma, 253.572.4020]

PROF. REEVES: DRINKOLOGY >>>

Primo Grill

This spectacular species lives in a blend of modern with Old World.  Its lifeblood is a large wood-burning grill and oven that literally anchors the restaurant, giving diners a sense of being one with the chefs.   Primo balances the menu with pasta, pizza, fish and red meat, so thereâ��s basically something for everyone â�" especially those who like a little twist on their Mediterranean favorites. 

Drink Choice: Pimmâ��s Kazi â�" Pimmâ��s Cup, Primoâ��s fresh limeade and Absolute Vodka.  I still donâ��t know what Pimmâ��s Cup is, but I feel more sophisticated simply for having tried it.

[Primo Grill, 601 S. Pine St., Tacoma, 253.383.7000]

LAUREN NAPIER: FLEX YOUR COGNITIVE MUSCLE >>>

Songs written for the benefit of the musician and with the added bonus of wooing the occasional willing audience, the tracks of the Solvents are intellectually and euphonically pleasing. It’s a project about inventing and a music experience about experimentation. The members fluctuate both permanently and temporarily, but the outcome is always an intricate patchwork of indie-folk uniqueness. So do your best to be prepared when they team up to play with Canon Canyon to rock the dive bar walls of Bob’s Java Jive tonight. Canon Canyon is angst-driven music for those of us traversing our quarter-life crisis: a blatant lyrical reminder that we all have our good days and we all have our bad days regardless of how well we have prepared. Simple music with simple components. Simple lyrics with a complicated introspection. Sometimes you have to flex your cognitive muscle to be musically satisfied.

[Bob’s Java Jive, with the End Times, Ghostwriter, Friday, Jan. 30, 8 p.m., $5, 2102 S. Tacoma Way, Tacoma, 253.475. 9843]

MATT DRISCOLL: AND THEY'LL BE CELEBRATING TONIGHT AT THE NEW FRONTIER >>>

They’ve been known by many names.

Loser. International Pop Overthrow. The Lund Brothers. Sean and Chris.

Whatever you call them, Sean and Chris Lund â€" whose aptly named band, the Lund Bros, will celebrate a CD release show this Friday, Jan 30 at the New Frontier Lounge in Tacoma â€" haven’t changed much. Whether you became enamored by the raw, slacker, pop sensibilities of Loser in the late ’90s, or the refined, produced, tight and sugary package of International Pop Overthrow in the early part of this decade, or the seemingly content, full circle, older and wiser but just as rock vibe of the Lund Bros today, Sean and Chris have continued to do what they do best â€" lace harmony-rich rock and roll with the best aspects of pop.

To read my full article on the show, including an interview with guitarist Chris Lund, click here.

MATT DRISCOLL: ARRRRRRR >>>

Pirate Radio is from Portland, which by definition â€" I believe â€" makes them at least moderately cool, certainly cooler than a band from Algona-Pacific or Roy. Not that there’s anything wrong with Algona-Pacific or even Roy, but Portland is pretty much the indie rock center of the universe right now â€" and for good reason. The funky, equally Motown and ’80s-inspired Pirate Radio fits right in. With light grooves and tip toeing lyrics balanced on tightly crafted song structures and grasping bass lines, Pirate Radio is an eclectic package that seems very worth opening. Olympia will get a chance tonight at Le Voyeur.

[Le Voyeur, with I Was Wizard and Shimmers, Friday, Jan. 30, 10 p.m., no cover, 404 Fourth Ave. E., Olympia, 360.943.5710]

Pirate Radio will also play Tacoma's New Frontier Lounge on Sunday, Feb. 1.

JOSE S. GUTIERREZ: LIVE FROM I-5: HIP-HOP IN THE 253 >>>

I had a chance to rummage through my tapes, vinyl and CDs for this week’s Most Valuables segment of The 25360. Two singles that surely sparked the minds of MCs and hip-hop heads overall were bangin’ through speakers in 1995 and 1996 respectively. When you are ready for a slap, look for Nine’s “Whutcha Want” and Smooth Da Hustlers “Broken English.” Each of these tracks embodies what an MC is! Nine attacks his track with an uncanny flow, a voice that is still unmatched (yet almost paralleled by Mr. Meth’s) and lyrics that invite listeners to join his catchy hook. This one is perfect for the speakers and summer jeeps. Smooth Da Hustler kills “Broken English” and this one is more for those who love lyrics and wordplay than beats, although the beat is a simply murderous piano riff. The voice, the lyricism and the timeliness of the track is unforgettable.

Check out my column this week on the Weekly Volcano Web site, which includes a little something on the Fresh Blends MC Battle Feb. 4 at Hell’s Kitchen in Tacoma.

LINK: South Sound live music and DJs tonight