JOE MALIK: DON'T PANIC >>>

Oh lord, it’s finally happened. We have a pandemic to panic about. The swine flu is in full effect, Tacoma. And everyone is freaking out. Especially people who don’t have health insurance or health care. When I heard about this pig thing, it sent me into a spiral of paranoia and grim contemplation. What happens if I get swine flu? Where do I go? What happens to the thousands of people who have no health insurance and no income to pay medical bills? Does AFLAC cover swine flu? What about Washington State Basic Health?

The more I thought about this, the worse it got. So I decided to stop panicking. You shouldn’t panic either, according to Miranda Hitti at WebMD. So far, swine flu has only hit 141 people in the United States, and 331 people worldwide, according to the Center for Disease Control and the World Health Organization. Those numbers will obviously rise, but we’re not at a point where we should lose it over swine flu. A poll from the Harvard School of Public Health shows that 59 percent of people responding are washing their hands more often and using hand sanitizer to protect themselves. That doesn’t sound too crazy. But poll also shows that 17 percent of respondents are avoiding Mexican restaurants or grocery stores and 13 percent were pretty sure they could get swine flu from eating pork.

For the record, both of those notions are really dumb.

To put things in perspective, WebMD offers the following soothing facts.

First, most swine flu cases haven’t been all that severe. The worst cases have been in Mexico, and most people infected have recovered without having to go to the hospital. Most cases of swine flu have been pretty much like the regular old flu, sharing symptoms and severity. Honestly, you should probably be more concerned about the regular flu, which kills about 36,000 people per year, and hospitalizes close to 200,000 people per year.

Next, we’re not as defenseless as the evil media would have us believe.Wash your hands, don’t touch your eyes, nose or mouth, and stay away from sick people, and you’ll probably be O.K.

Also, we are about as prepared for a flu pandemic as we ever have been. The whole bird flu scare a while back sent government agencies, health care organizations and citizens into prep mode. That means "the world is better prepared for an influenza pandemic than at any time in history," according to a statement issued by World Health Organization Director-General Margaret Chan.

Also, pandemics aren't all deadly, apparently. The term pandemic is about how far and wide a virus spreads, and not how many people it kills. This isn’t the movies, and we’re probably not facing any kind of biological apocalypse. Sorry folks. Maybe a really good virus will come along soon so we can live out our favorite Hollywood apocalypse scenarios. Until then, take some simple steps to avoid exposure to this flu or any of the others floating around, and avoid buying into all the hype. It will help you avoid doing stupid things like buying an iPhone app to track swine flu cases.

Yeah, there really is an iPhone app out there. Any sort of mass panic tends to draw profiteers and scheisters like flies to a pig.

PREVIOUS UNEMPLOYED IN TACOMA COLUMNS ON SPEW

MICHAEL SWAN: SATURDAY, MAY 2, 2009 >>>

1. Point Defiance, who will have a new album out in June, will headline Hell's Kitchen's seven-year anniversary bash tonight at 9 p.m.

2. From Pulitzer Prize Winner August Wilson comes this 8 p.m. staged reading of Gem of the Ocean, the masterful first installment of the epic 10 play chronicles August Wilson's Cycle at the Washington State History Museum.

3. Tacoma Musical Playhouse stages The Producers tonight at 8 p.m.

4. Having just released a debut full-length, Petits Fours, Violet Clark and Frank Black, together Grand Duchy, will be (believe it or not) making a stop at Jazzbones in Tacoma tonight.

5. Portland's one-man, beat-based, performance-art inspired Boy Eats Drum Machine will inject the New Frontier Lounge in Tacoma tonight with enough electro charm to send most into a robot like, rhythmic convulsion.

LINK: Live music and DJs in the South Sound

MATT DRISCOLL: IT DOESN'T GET MUCH BETTER >>>

Can you fucking believe I interviewed Frank Black?

Yeah, me either.

Check it out here.

Frank Black and his wife Violet Clark will be in town tonight at Jazzbones with their new project Grandy Duchy. The Nightgowns will open. The show is almost certain to be amazing.

MATT DRISCOLL: 49 IN DOG YEARS >>>

Has it really been seven years? Time flies when you’re drunk. Since 2002 Hell’s Kitchen has been like a rock in Tacoma’s music scene â€" always there for us, through thick and thin, offering up chances to pound PBRs and headbang around that crazy ass pole â€" not to mention go blissfully deaf to our area’s best rock. Tonight the Kitchen will celebrate seven years of existence with a show sure to send scene stalwarts tripping down memory lane. Point Defiance â€" who will have a new album out in June â€" will headline â€" making it a lot more like 2002 inside the Kitchen on Saturday right there. Reminds me of the time I saw Point D frontman Lamar Stilwell at an IHOP, but that’s probably not important.

[Hell’s Kitchen, 7 Year Anniversary with Point Defiance, the Outfit, At:1, Before Crisis, 9 p.m., $7, 3829 Sixth Ave., Tacoma, 253.759.6003]

BOBBLE TIKI: SOUNDS BAD, BUT IT'S ACTUALLY NOT >>>

Boy Eats Drum Machine. Sounds like a nasty, if not danceable, accident, doesn’t it?

Well, Bobble Tiki is here to tell you it’s not. Portland’s one-man, beat-based, performance-art inspired Boy Eats Drum Machine â€" also known as Jon Ragel â€" will inject the New Frontier Lounge in Tacoma tonight with enough electro charm to send most into a robot like, rhythmic convulsion.

And that’s a good thing, by the way â€" even if it sounds bad â€" much like Boy Eats Drum Machine’s moniker.

Earlier in the day, around noon, Boy Eats Drum Machine will appear on 90.1 KUPS FM.

“I never know what to expect. It seems like every show is different. It just really depends on the night,” says Ragel. “I make sure and play the music, first and foremost, but I also like interacting with the audience. I like to incite dancing, if they want, but sometimes when people are seeing me for the first time I understand they just want to sit back and watch. That’s ok too.”

To read the full article, click here.

MARK THOMAS DEMING: THE FUCKING EAGLES WILL  MESS YOU UP >>>

Warning: The Fucking Eagles are known by the state of California to cause drunken stupidity in listeners. Warning: Do not listen to the Fucking Eagles while operating a motor vehicle. Your neck will involuntarily do that weird goose thing and you’ll forget you’re driving a Corolla â€" not that Nova you had in high school. You’ll try to lay a patch at a stop sign, lurching away with a futile squeak to the total embarrassment of your girl. If you’re pregnant or nursing, ask your doctor before listening to the Fucking Eagles. If new hair growth appears, discontinue use immediately. If you experience an erection lasting more than four hours, induce vomiting. (Eight or so beers ought to do it.)

Tonight, the Fucking Eagles will destroy Doyle's.

[Doyle’s Public House, with Blanco Bronco, 9:30 p.m., no cover, 208 St. Helens Ave., Tacoma, 253.272.7468]

MATT DRISCOLL: PONTIAC, LEMAY, UWT, OBAMA, SWINE FLU, JESUS >>>

Saturday morning has arrived, which means it’s once again time for the Volcano’s Week in Review â€" an almost entirely flippant look at the week that was.

Sitting in my robe, enjoying the morning and smoking cigarettes through my swine flu mask, I’m ready to roll.

So let’s get this thing started.

Monday, April 27

A little bit like that goldfish you won from the Puyallup Fair back when you were a kid â€" you know, the one that lived in that sorry little plastic bowl and swam around in its own shit for far too long until it inevitably died and got flushed down the toilet by your mom â€" Pontiac seems to have breathed its last breath.

It was announced on Monday that GM will cut 21,000 jobs by next year, close 13 plants and slice its network of dealers in half â€" all in an effort to stay viable. It will also cease production of the Pontiac brand â€" which some news outlets have gone as far as to call “storied.”

Here’s a little taste of that story.

Tuesday, April 28

Surprising almost no one, the Tacoma City Council on Tuesday gave the go-ahead to shovel federal money, in the form of a loan, toward the construction of the LeMay Museum â€" which (according to longstanding plans) will someday sit next to the T-Dome.

Council members were fast to emphasize â€" in the face of opposition from constituents â€" that the money (that might be) given to LeMay will not actually be Tacoma’s. The council simply gave the OK for LeMay to apply for a loan through the federal government’s Department of Housing and Urban Development’s Section 108 program. Apparently, the LeMay folks are looking for $3.5 million.

While the council only gave the go-ahead for LeMay to apply for the federal assistance, judging by LeMay’s reaction â€" and the pomp and circumstance of it all â€" all parties involved are playing the situation like it’s a done deal. And I’m sure it is. You’ve got to love power and bureaucracy. You’ve got to love Tacoma’s scrawny council having the power to give away $3.5 million in federal funds. Or give the go-ahead, um, er, to apply for. Or whatever. ...

Commercial Break

Wednesday, April 28

So, my wife is a master’s student at UWT. The other day she was trying to call the financial aid office, but her efforts were thwarted. Budget cuts. Seems the financial office doesn’t open until noon now on some days.

Get used to it.

On Wednesday, UTW officials announced a $3.85 million reduction in the school’s operating budget, meaning layoffs, hour reductions, position freezes and higher tuition for students.

It was not a good day to be a student at the school, and it was an even worse day to be a UWT employee, I’m sure.

Here’s the official press release:

State budget reductions force layoffs

Later that day, I got a call from Captain Obvious, who had this to say about the situation:

“Seems kinda questionable and bass-akwards to be handing out $34 million in funding for the Joy Building, but then cutting teachers and screwing students at the same time. Wouldn’t you think preserving the quality of the education and experience would be more important? But what do I know? I’m only Captain Obvious.”

Thursday, April 30

100 Days of Obama.

Fox style

Friday, May 1

We all died of swine flu. Each and every one of us. It was a viral apocalypse. It started at Lakes High School, but by late Friday night even the chicks in skimpy clothes shaking their asses at Masa were dead. It was chaos. Hell. Pandemonium. Babies ate babies.

In other news, this guy was at the T-Dome talking about racing BMX with Jesus.

Have a wonderful weekend!