THURSDAY, AUG. 28 2014 >>>

1. If you're one of these mixed up people who enjoy summer, it stands to reason that you wouldn't want summer to end so soon. So, why not attend a totally rad party at The New Frontier Lounge that promises Eternal Summer. No word on whether refunds will be offered in the event that summer should end. In addition to the always welcome beats of Eliot Lipp, there will be cool synths brought by the lovely Lobsana and the incredibly new band Crater. If you can stand dancing in this dumb weather, that is encouraged, as is beach attire, beginning at 9 p.m.

2. The public is invited to celebrate the reinstallation of "Children's Bell" by Larry Anderson from 2-3 p.m., in the park at 3825 Ruston Way, in Tacoma. Anderson will be present at this event, along with Tacoma City Councilmember David Boe, representatives from Washington Partnerships for Action Voices for Empowerment (PAVE), and members of the Tacoma Arts Commission. The sculpture was commissioned as a gift to the citizens of Tacoma from PAVE and other private donors to celebrate the life, spirit and accomplishments of PAVE founder and director Marty Gentili (May 26, 1942-Feb. 28, 1993).

3. Will Eno, a playwright (and Pulitzer finalist) born in 1965, was cocky enough to write his own, 21st-century take on Our Town. The resulting script, Middletown, is less than four years old, so it truly is about the meaning of life in our time. Its ad copy emphasizes the arc of life from birth to death, and that's a fair summation of the play. An anti-Seinfeld, it's a show about everything. It's loaded with jokes, but none are delivered as jokes. We laugh a few seconds later, having solved a mental puzzle. Read Christian Carvajal's full review of Middletown in the Music & Culture section., then catch it at 8 p.m. at Harlequin Productions.

4. You should really stop reading this right now. Seriously. It isn't that Searching for Sugar Man's plot developments are gotcha!-like, but this documentary does boast some bowl-you-over reveals best experienced blind. Swedish filmmaker Malik Bendjelloul treks his camera to South Africa to investigate the legend of Rodriguez, a '70s-era singer-songwriter long rumored dead. Hidden behind long, flowing hair and dark glasses, he sang in folk music bars with his back turned to the audience. His first album got a rare four-star review from Billboard. Neither it nor the second one sold well, and the story seemed to end there. Bendjelloul traces him to South Africa where the singer's music became anthemic for the anti-apartheid Voëlvry movement of the Afrikaans counterculture, and the musician, with his hazy origins and questionable demise, became an icon. OK, that's enough. Grab your lawn chair, maybe a longhaired wig and dark sunglasses, and head to Olympia's Sylvester Park at 8 p.m. for an outdoor screening of Searching for Sugar Man.

5. Readers voted the Kareem Kandi Band Best Jazz Band in our 2014 Best of Tacoma issue. Catch this amazing jazz band for free at 8:30 p.m. in the Hotel Murano's lobby.

LINK: Thursday, Aug. 28 arts and entertainment events in the greater Tacoma and Olympia area

TUESDAY, AUG. 26 2014 >>>

1. From stories about sleeping on couches and siblings' deaths and to tales about being snubbed by producers who tend to forget they even exist and stars who'd do anything to avoid ceding the stage to a backup, The Standbys captures the unshakable grip live performing has on these Broadway understudies, as well as the personal and familial sacrifices that come along with their in-reserve roles. Catch the film at 2:15 and 7 p.m. at The Grand Cinema.

2. Contrary to popular perception, writing is actual work. No matter the frivolity of the piece, even if it be a mere 5 Things To Do Today blurb, you can rest assured true blood, sweat and tears were spilled during its composition. Perhaps not as much blood, sweat, etc., in this blurb, as say in a novel, or a poem, or an essay, or a radio jingle, but. ... This is not the point. The point is that now it's time for you to meet local author Lindsay Schopfer and get in on his Writing Workshop: Creating Original Worlds.at 5:30 p.m. in the Tumwater Timberland Library. He will guide you through creative world building methods, and shares a variety of techniques to make your worlds as original as possible. You can say he is the word on worlds. Or you can just write it.

3. Rolling Stones tribute band Tumbling Dice perform at 6:30 p.m. in the Red Wind Casino.

4. Last year, The New Frontier Lounge adopted a game night for Tuesdays, called Settlers of Kaletron. MC'd by Kale Iverson, the night revolved around tables of drunk revelers playing rounds of The Settlers of Catan, while Kaletron played ukelele and improvised looped electronica. For the month of August, the event has been revived, with game nights every Tuesday at 9 p.m. This time around, though, attendants are being encouraged to bring along board games of all varieties.

5. Sons of Hippies are a dark psych/space rock band from Florida who believe the moon landings were staged and that free love doesn't necessarily mean they won't charge a fee. Singer/guitarist Katherine Kelly meanders on topics such as post-apocalyptic wastelands, desertion, true love, and untimely death amid a sonic web of noisy, glitch psychedelia. Catch the band at 9 p.m. in Le Voyeur.

LINK: Tuesday, Aug. 26 arts and entertainment events in the greater Tacoma and Olympia area

GRAB A POT OF COFFEE AND READ THE MORNING REPORT FOR 8.26.14 >>>

The White House is unveiling a slate of executive actions today designed to ease troops' transition from military to civilian life and boost veterans medical-care options in the wake of scandals at the Veterans Affairs Department.

The U.S. has begun surveillance flights over Syria after President Obama gave the OK, a move that could pave the way for airstrikes against Islamic State militant targets there.

Obama's Iraq-Syria Dilemma: No force now on the ground can beat ISIS.

Ukraine released a video of captured Russian soldiers, escalating a dispute over Moscow's alleged backing for separatist rebels in the east of the former Soviet republic. 

Israel bombed more of Gaza's tallest structures today, bringing down a 13-story apartment and office tower and destroying most of a 16-floor residential building.

According to Gaza's Health Ministry, more than a quarter of those killed in Gaza so far during the war have been children.

After 49 days of war, the armies of Israel and Hamas appear to have run out of new ideas - but not bombs. They are now slugging it out in a lopsided war of attrition.

Sgt. Christopher Waugh Mulalley's death in Afghanistan is under investigation.

A female solider died of a self-inflicted gunshot at the U.S. Army base at Fort Lee, Virginia.

Nearly two-thirds of the public say governments shouldn't pay ransoms to terrorists in exchange for hostages, according to a Reuters/Ipsos survey released today. 

It's time to sink the Littoral Combat Ship.

The Pentagon wants next-generation armored vehicles that are more mobile, maneuverable and survivable, but without more armor.

The U.S. Army's new Advanced Hypersonic Weapon failed during an early morning test Monday.

End Of An Era: There have been 20 rotations of more than 600 explosive ordnance disposal technicians who have left their mark in the history of Operation Enduring Freedom since the 2004 inception of the 466th EOD Operating Location Bravo Flight.

Enjoy this cool video of some Royal Danish Air Force's F-16s flying low level over Greenland.

Six months after the Olympics and Sochi looks like a ghost town.

Birds are awesome creatures, but seeing huge flocks of them - like these pelicans diving into a feeding frenzy - both amaze and scare the bejesus out of us.

Watch Billy Crystal's tribute to Robin Williams from last night's Emmys.

Can Game of Thrones be explained in a two-and-a-half-minute video?

Prince has two new albums on the way in September.

What are the greatest concert movies of all time?

One morning we would be preparing our usual gigantic breakfast assortment of tropical fruits, whole-grain toast points and pricey organic cereals, when a wee voice would issue from your little feathered head and you would finally say to us, "Race me!"

LINK: Original photo by Sgt. David Bolton

Reaching out and grabbing ya, this is Nerd Alert, the Weekly Volcano's recurring events calendar devoted to all things nerdy. I myself am a Star Wars fan, mathlete, and spelling bee champion of long standing, so trust me: I grok whereof I speak.

We aren't exactly bombarded with story suggestions for this column, more's the pity, so I'm happy to forward a heads-up from videographer Vince Ynzunza. Inspired, no doubt, by the Lovecraftian flavor of his own family name, Ynzunza is one of the driving forces behind Pacific NorthWEIRD, a YouTube show devoted to paranormally significant locations in Washington state. Its first episode covers the Mima Mounds Natural Area Preserve near Littlerock, which you or I might consider geologic aberrations, but which certain fanciful individuals regard as something ... more. What that something may be I couldn't tell you, as despite my journalistic integrity I was too skeptical to make it any farther than 10 minutes into the episode. I'm sorry, Vince; I'm allergic to woo woo. But if you, Gentle Reader, have a fondness for such uncanny topics as Squatchin' or the Black Houses of Olympia, then Vince Ynzunza would like to be your woo-woo, hoodoo man.

FRIDAY, AUG. 28

If you're lucky enough to visit Paris, the City of Light, be sure to spend an afternoon down in the dark. There's a network of catacombs underneath the city, in which the late 18th century saw the remnants of six million Parisians stacked into artful patterns of femurs and skulls. A sign over the ossuary's entrance warns, "Arrête! C'est ici l'empire de la mort!" ("Halt! Herein lies the empire of the dead!") About a quarter of a million visitors ignore that warning each year. My wife and I toured the site last fall, and I can honestly say it was one of the most memorable events of my life. I was so struck by it that I wrote my first horror story, Silver, about the burial of all those unnerving remains. (You can read it for free at CreativeColloquy.com.) Apparently the catacombs had a similar effect on brothers Drew and John Erick Dowdle, who set their movie As Above, So Below, opening Friday, within its subterranean depths. It stars Perdita Weeks as Scarlet, an archaeology student who believes the famous "philosopher's stone" of alchemist Nicolas Flamel, or at least a decent Tomb Raider knockoff, might be hiding in all those tunnels. The trailer suggests Scarlet and her friends find a passel of found footage horror tropes instead, so this is basically The Blair Witch Project's European Vacation.

OK, let's not get our hopes up for a classic horror movie; but the Dowdles did record much of As Above, So Below in the actual Catacombs of Paris, including tunnels that aren't generally open to the public. If you can handle its cinematic shocks, it may be a fun way to log some travel time in one of France's most unforgettable locations. Or you could just stay home and watch Andrew Zimmern slurp down snail caviar on Xfinity. Vive la France!

MONDAY, SEPT. 1

It may surprise you to learn that such professional illusionists as Penn and Teller regard Erik Weisz, better known to spellbound audiences around the early-20th-century world as Harry Houdini, as a barely mediocre magician. No, Houdini's true calling was as an escape artist, a skill he pursued with obsessive-compulsive rigor starting in 1899. Touring Eurasia and America as the "Handcuff King," a name you'd never admit to calling yourself on Facebook, Houdini escaped from riveted beer barrels, a water-filled milk can, the memorably-named "Chinese Water Torture Cell" - even once, on a Boston beach, from the belly of a beached whale. He starred in movies, learned to fly (and then crashed) his own biplane, and aided Scientific American by debunking clairvoyants and other Ynzunzan mystics.

Who better to play the stocky, round-faced, 5'6" Handcuff King than the chiseled, hawk-nosed, 6'1" Adrien Brody? That's a question the History Channel hopes you'll be too enthralled to ask Monday night, as it debuts its two-night bio-miniseries Houdini. And, considering it was written by author and screenwriter Nicholas Meyer (Star Treks II and VI, The Day After, Time After Time, The Seven-Per-Cent Solution), the History Channel may just get its wish. The show airs Sept. 1 and 2 at 8 p.m. As the Amazing Mumford would say, "A la peanut butter sandwiches!" (Yes, it was "a la," not "Allah." I looked it up. I'm a journalist!)

Until next week, may the Force be with you, may the odds be ever in your favor, and may you always find that lock pick you hid in your skivvies.

TUESDAY, AUG. 19 2014 >>>

1. Hear (and see) classically-trained violinists Greta, Willow and Solana. See (and hear) the dancing of Greta, Willow and Solana. See sisters Greta, Willow and Solana present a Celtic variety show at no cost to you. Catch The Gothard Sisters at noon at Puyallup's Pioneer Park.

2. Catch the Fun Addicts at Skansie Brothers Park tonight at 6:30 p.m., part of the Gig Harbor Summer Sounds at Skansie Park series.

3. Yes, 5 Things To Do Today is pounding home the 25 New Faces of Independent Film at The Grand Cinema. The best rising talent in the film industry - actors, writers, directors and animators - can be seen in Tacoma's art house. Among the magic today is a 7 p.m. screening of the Spike Lee-produced Manos Sucias, the story of young, black Colombian men and their attempt to break free from the downtrodden and war-torn country and find peace in another place featuring young talented actors.

4. Art Spiegelman has almost single-handedly brought comic books out of the toy closet and onto literature shelves winning the Pulitzer Prize in 1992 for his masterful graphic novel, Maus I: A Survivor's Tale: My Father Bleeds History - one of the hardest hitting graphic novels ever written. Spiegelman wrote Maus as a biography of his father, Vladek Spiegelman, and his Holocaustexperiences through very straightforward but well drawn and written metaphor. The Banned Book Club will discuss the graphic novel at 7 p.m. inside Doyle's Public House.

5. You are getting sleepy, v-e-r-y sleepy. Now, go see the hypnotist show at 8 p.m. inside the Red Wind Casino. Whether a skeptic or believer, the show will be sure to entertain with its comedy, rock and roll and outrageous hypnosis, like people sneezing and having orgasms(!) when Ron Stubbs, the man behind the magic, utters the word "pepper."

LINK: Tuesday, Aug. 19 arts and entertainment events in the greater Tacoma and Olympia area

MONDAY, AUG. 18 2014 >>>

1. Golf is an infuriating sport, that's why we have switched to FootGolf - a golf-style game that's not a sequel to the derp-filled fest that was the movie BASEketball. In the vein of disc golf, it replaces the tiny white ball and bag of expensive clubs with a soccer ball and our good kicking leg. Meadow Park Golf Course on the edge of Lakewood has an 18-hole FootGolf course with tee boxes, green bunkers, hazards and 21-inch diameter cups. The game scores just like a regular round of golf on stroke play and each full kick counts as one swing. Putting works the same way except our leg has to make a full motion no matter how close it is to the hole. Basically, if you can kick a golf ball in a fit of spittle-filled rage, you can easily pick up FootGolf.

2. Today is the last day the Olympic Flight Museum hosts the B-25 "Maid In The Shade" airplane. The B-25 Mitchell was made famous by the Doolittle Raiders, when 16 of these medium bombers took off the deck of the USS Hornet and bombed Tokyo just four months after Pearl Harbor. The B-25 served in both theaters of war in many roles from bomber to transport. After the war, it continued service best known for its role as a fire bomber.  The aircraft will be on display for the public, offering cockpit tours and ride, from 11 a.m. to 5 p.m.

3. The Grand Cinema has been taking advantage of the simultaneously obvious and genius concept of taking Filmmaker Magazine's yearly list and turning it into a film festival celebrating rising talent. Actors, writers, directors, animators and other facets of filmmaking are honored by the magazine, and then in turn are celebrated during the five-day festival at The Grand Cinema. Read Rev. Adam McKinney's full feature on the 25 New Faces in Independent Film in the music and Culture section, then catch today's films, including a 6 p.m. roundtable indie film discussion with several filmmakers.

4. Saxophonist Cliff Colon, keyboardist Peter Adams, bassist Rob Hutchinson and drummer Brian Smith are known as Velocity, a jazz fusion and Latin funk band that will bring it at 8 p.m. in The Swiss.

5. Saxophonist John Croarkin's group, Scattered Light, returns the Rhythm and Rye club with more refracted sounds and musical sun salutations at 8 p.m. The quintet, plus vocalist LaVon Hardison and Olympia's tenor saxophonist Chuck Stentz , will be exploring a wide range of contemporary Brazilian grooves from composers such as Joyce Moreno, Dori Caymmi, Hermeto Pascoal, A.C. Jobim, Clare Fischer, Roland Kirk, Pixinguinha and Egberto Gismonti.

LINK: Monday, Aug. 18 arts and entertainment events in the greater Tacoma and Olympia area

SUNDAY, AUG. 17 2014 >>>

1. Head to downtown Sumner for its 15th annual Classy Chassis car, rod and truck show from 10 a.m. to 3:30 p.m. It's the best place to scope out new and old muscle cars, or show off your own. Expect a "used car lot" this year as well as a "junk yard" sale location where you can find car parts for your classic cars. Wally and the Beaves will rock the block.

2. Since 2010, The Grand Cinema has been taking advantage of the simultaneously obvious and genius concept of taking Filmmaker Magazine's yearly list and turning it into a film festival celebrating rising talent. Actors, writers, directors, animators and other facets of filmmaking are honored by the magazine, and then in turn are celebrated during the five-day festival at The Grand Cinema. Read Rev. Adam McKinney's full feature on the 25 New Faces in Independent Film in the music and Culture section, then catch Manos Sucias, a collection of shorts, Afronauts and Pauline Alone beginning at 2 p.m. 

3. The Social Bar and Grill's patio is a lovely spot to while away a weekend afternoon, sipping cocktails and old world red wine and watching condo residents walk their dogs. Come Sunday afternoon, resident DJ Mr. Melanin and guest DJs B-Boy Peanut, Blueyedsoul and PhoSho spin an eclectic and extremely tasteful selection of lounge, bossa nova and electro soul music 2-6 p.m. This triple threat of delicious happy hour specials, sun and hip tunes is known as Tacoma's only daytime summer party, "Dayclub."

4. Gabe Dixon has recently been diagnosed with a cancer. His sister is throwing a rockin' benefit show featuring Mr. Von, Speakerbox, Vividal and Ayron Jones and The Way from 3-7 p.m. at Jazzbones. There will be raffles and a silent auction for Seahawks tickets, custom built guitar and more. The all-ages show has a suggested $10 cover.  

5. St. Patrick's Day celebrations aren't easy. You must practice to prepare yourself for the zaniness that goes down every March 17. Doyle's Public House knows this. That's why they host monthly St. Practice Day parties, of which happens again Sunday. The party begins with Doyle's Guinness Club toast at 5:17 p.m. All the members gather before Grand Poobah Russ Heaton, who recognizes members who have hit milestones, such as 500 pints of Guinness, while the other members tear up. After the announcement, Heaton raises a glass of the Irish Mother's Milk and toasts the members. At 7 p.m., musical genius Ethan Tucker gives everyone another reason to raise a glass.

LINK: Sunday, Aug. 17 arts and entertainment events in the greater Tacoma and Olympia area

FRIDAY, AUG. 15 2014 >>>

1. Pierce County Prosecutor Mark Lindquist's fifth annual Signed Book and Wine Auction will be held at 5 p.m. inside King's Books. New York Times bestselling author Garth Stein will attend. His new novel, A Sudden Light, will be available for auction six weeks before it appears in bookstores. Other signed books on the auction list include bestsellers by Ann Rule, Maria Semple, and Bret Easton Ellis. For music fans, Peter Buck of R.E.M. and actress/singer Molly Ringwald have donated signed CDs. Lindquist, after being elected by a landslide in 2010, is up for election again this year, although he lacks an opponent. Thankfully, this tall, handsome novelist/prosecutor with cool friends is throwing a party anyway. It's our one chance a year to feel like an A-lister.

2. Since 2010, The Grand Cinema has been taking advantage of the simultaneously obvious and genius concept of taking Filmmaker Magazine's yearly list and turning it into a film festival celebrating rising talent. Actors, writers, directors, animators and other facets of filmmaking are honored by the magazine, and then in turn are celebrated during the five-day festival at The Grand Cinema. Frequently, the honorees in question show up to introduce their films and participate in Q & A's. Read Rev. Adam McKinney's full feature on the 25 New Faces in Independent Film in the music and Culture section, then attend the opening films today at The Grand Cinema, including a mixer with DJs at 9:30 p.m.

3. "Awesome coffee on a farm in the middle of pretty much nowhere, group photo on the haystacks every year ... swimming in the river, eating food that was grown on the land, standing in the back field late at night, watching the bands play (really loud), or watching from the hay bales under the stars." These are musings from Mariella Luz, K Records general manager, as she reflects on some of her favorite things about Helsing Junction Sleepover. In its 10th year, the Helsing Junction Sleepover is bigger than ever, with plenty of room to grow. The three-day party takes place on a 30-acre-farm. Tonight kicks off with eight performances, including Spider and the Webs, Arrington De Dionysio and Tender Forever. For more info and a complete list of bands, visit www.krecs.com/helsingjunction.

4. If the music of Voxxy Vallejo were the soundtrack for your life, you'd be guaranteed a good time and a crazy ride. Heavy blues laced southern rock and roll that is perfect for sweaty summer nights and back yard barbecues. Hot and sticky ... Voxxy's vocals entice and forbid while Gene's guitar licks interplay with her voice, both teasing and encouraging the song right out of her. It's Gene's Vellejo's birthday so the back will tear it up at 7:30 p.m. in Jazzbones.

5. As you know the CannaCon cannabis convention is going down at the Tacoma Dome. Those with CannaCon credentials or tickets can get into see local, original bands Mighty High and Ethan Tucker at 9 p.m. in The Swiss Restaurant and Pub at a discount, which of course is probably the entire city.

LINK: Friday, Aug. 15 arts and entertainment events in the greater Tacoma and Olympia area

TUESDAY, AUG. 12 2014 >>>

1. The Gregarious Oranges may have a name that calls to mind the psychedelia of the late '60s, but their sound recalls a period in music that came almost a decade earlier. Drawing from the Merseybeat sound of the early '60s - which included early Beatles, Gerry & the Pacemakers and Herman's Hermits in their ranks - the Gregarious Oranges sound like they came beamed in from an era that predated not only the psychotropic revolution, but the general inclusion of R&B that eventually made rock and roll what we know it today. Read Rev. Adam McKinney's full feature on Gregarious Oranges in the music and Culture section, then catch the band with Lazer Fox, Where My Bones Rest Easy, Mi Amore Cadenza, Crisis Arm and Airs at 10 p.m. in Le Voyeur.

2. Joanna Hogg's Archipelago is a dispiriting drama about a well-educated but inarticulate upper middle class English family that threatens to come apart at the seams while on holiday. Filmed in permanent twilight with a static camera and no music, it is gloomy and unrewarding with an oblique and uninformative script. Playing emotionally constipated characters, the actors improvise much of the dialogue. Catch the film at 3:30 and 6:10 p.m. in The Grand Cinema.

3. Maybe the character of the film Archipelago should explore the power of self-talk and the effect it has in every area of their lives, with Valerie Sumter, professionally trained and certified life coach. She knows how to replace negative self-talk with positive self-talk to help one achieve his or her best. Hear what she has to say at 6:30 p.m. in the Summit Pierce County Library.

4. One of the most beautiful things about studying history is finding new discoveries along familiar and well-traveled paths. It is that discovery process that makes history so rich and vibrant. Even better: having these terrific discoveries right in one's own backyard. This is especially true for Lakewood authors Steve Dunkelberger and Walter Neary. In 2005, the duo co-authored the definitive and local bestselling book, Images of America: Lakewood, which highlights the poignant and fascinating history of the city. The authors are back with their follow-up book about the people who influenced and shaped the city of Lakewood and region into what it is today. Their Legendary Locals of Lakewood not only offers the reader a fascinating glimpse into the characters of the past, but also uncovers some surprises and hidden gems along the way. Dunkelberger and Neary will discuss and sign their new book at, appropriately, the Lakewood Pierce County Library at 7 p.m.

5. This might be hard to believe, but you can't go see The Beatles live anymore, unless you have some sort of resurrection or time traveling technology. If you do have said technology and are using to see The Beatles, you've got some problems, so let Red Wind Casino help you out. It hosts Beatles tribute band British Export at 8 p.m. Go scream your head off.

LINK: Tuesday, Aug. 12 arts and entertainment events in the greater Tacoma and Olympia area

Getting your ass to Mars, this is Nerd Alert, the Weekly Volcano's recurring events calendar devoted to all things nerdy. I myself am a Star Wars fan, mathlete, and spelling bee champion of long standing, so trust me: I grok whereof I speak.

THURSDAY, AUG. 14

I hope you've been watching The Sixties on CNN. This briskly-edited, emotional-wallop-packing series recalls how the Baby Boomers came of age in the '60s, then gradually, inevitably gave up on their dreams and softened their acid-fueled idealism. Now, as the Boomers age through their own 60s, it appears they have nothing better to do than reminisce about LBJ, Apollo 11 and Royal Crown Cola. (Yes, I know they still make RC Cola, but when was the last time you drank it?) I have little room to judge, as my idea of an epic Saturday is to curl up with four hours of I Love the '80s and a nap. Anyway, The Sixties' finale airs at 9 o'clock Thursday. It's called "Sex, Drugs, and Rock 'n' Roll," aka "How I Met Your Grandmother."

FRIDAY, AUG. 15

Harrison Ford!  Mel Gibson! Arnold Schwarzenegger! Wesley Snipes! Sly Stallone! I bedazzle these names with exclamation points because there was once a time, and I'm of an age from which it seems only yesterday, when their appearance on a marquee promised the best - or at least the most handsomely produced - of summer blockbusters. Ooh, what would it be this time? Would Harrison Ford point his Finger of Doom at a power-mad Nazi? Would the Austrian Oak gasp for life-sustaining oxygen as his eyeballs hyperextended and the Martian atmosphere terraformed? Would it always be safe to bet on black, or would Wesley Snipes end up dodging the IRS? I'm afraid, my young readers, it was all of the above. Our mighty heroes of old, and boy, do I mean old, have been replaced by the frat boys of Zeta Alpha Apatow, feather-haired gym rats cosplaying as superheroes, and terabyte upon terabyte of CG sharknadoes. The world has moved on.

But as a bald, burly supervillain of that bygone era once proclaimed, "I have something to say: it's better to burn out than to fade away!" And that, along with hundreds of checks that cleared, is why the abovementioned stars (currently entering their nova stage, having long ago converted all the hydrogen in their cores into helium) have joined forces to bring you The Expendables, Acte Trois. As we all remember so clearly, the first one's plot was ummm, a lot of shooting happened? Bullets? That already-compelling storyline was enhanced in Episode Two, in which I think some propane exploded? Maybe an airplane with knives on it? Somebody rassled a bear?

Movies like The Expendables 3 are why Netflix (or, as I like to call it, the fireman's pole into a shame spiral) was invented. It's the kind of movie you watch when, a.) you're a man over 40, and b.) your night's entertainment will also include a $5 pizza buffet, furtive exploration of Olympia's new strip bar Desire, and a case of Milwaukee's Best. It'll make you feel like more of a man and less of a person. And before you ask, yes, Kelsey Grammer does play a dude named "Bonaparte." Sly Stallone and your adolescence wouldn't have it any other way.

SATURDAY, AUG. 16

If you're wondering where the promised last episode of The Real History of Science Fiction went a few months ago, it's airing Saturday at 9 on BBC America. It's about time travel, which maybe explains how this happened. Don't forget to set your DVR and/or flux capacitor.

Disney CEO Robert Iger recently announced that his company would start work next year on a "significant" new theme-park project devoted to all things Star Wars. He then intoned, "Many Bothans died to bring us this information." Or maybe that was someone else-I've napped since then. 

Personally, I'm a huge fan of the upgraded Star Tours attraction that re-launched in 2011. I'd love to see something along the lines of a speeder bike steeplechase, TIE fighter shoot-out, or animatronic aliens in a Mos Eisley cantina. The latter could feature frosty blue milkshakes. In your face, butterbeer!

Until next week, may the Force be with you, may the odds be ever in your favor, and may you never reveal you went all the way with LBJ.