DINING NEWS, NIBBLES AND BITS >>>

Opening Today: A new wine bar called Pastiche will open today at 11 a.m. in the second half of the former Il Fiasco space (Beyond the Bridge Café occupies the left side). The owners bring 20 years of wine experience with them to the 2715 Sixth Ave. spot. Today's menu will be limited, but tapas for lunch and dinner will be served soon. Also a pianist playing contemporary music will be in the house today.

This Weekend: Primo Grill is serving pan seared duck scaloppini, braised beef short ribs, fresh halibut, grilled mahi mahi and McCrea winery Temranillo as specials this weekend. Just saying.

Taking Out The Turkey: Local chefs and artists offer tips on vegetarian and non-traditional Thanksgiving dishes.

Future Things Are Coming: Enjoy Thanksgiving dinner in a South Sound restaurant. We have suggestions here and here.

Food Matters: No one trusts men with food. It's science!

LINK: Wine tastings today

LINK: South Sound Restaurant Guide

Hi! Welcome to Petty Questions - a new advice column about trivial things. Let's get started.

QUESTION #1

Volcanoes are always trying to jack my swag. How can I protect my swag, without sacrificing that which makes me love volcanoes? 
-Bemused In Bellingham

BIB, you're playing me for a fool. If I wanted someone to sell me snake oil I'd go back in time with machines. Let's cut the carp fish.

There are no volcanoes trying to jack your swag. I say that with almost a lot of certainty.

It's completely physically unlikely, one. And two, even if there were any volcanoes actively trying to steal from you, why not put on an extra deadbolt and store your diamonds in a safety deposit box? They call it that because it's secure from everything.

You could've come up with that. You probably did already. Do I look like an idiot for answering your question now? Sure. Does making me look like an idiot make you look like a double idiot? I really hope so in all honesty, BIB, prankster.

Please take this seriously. I look so stupid now. If you're not going to be responsible and mature and nice, well then-go forget yourself. And I mean that.

QUESTION #2

My ignorance concerning popular culture is absurd, be it of music, movies, or even television. How might I acclimate myself to the world of pop culture and acquire the necessary trivia to impress my friends at parties?
-Still Watches Seinfeld

Here's all you need to know about stuff.

Television: "Seinfeld," good. "Monty Python," good. British TV in general, worse than you would think. "Curb Your Enthusiasm," good. British TV comedy writer Armando Iannucci, underrated in the US. "I'm Alan Partridge" starring Steve Coogan and produced by Armando Iannucci, take my word that it's completely worth it. "Two and a Half Men," cannot compare with anything written by Armando Iannucci (b. November 28, 1963).

Music: Rolling Stones, They Might Be Giants, LCD Soundsystem, Joy Division, New Order, ELO, The Kinks, Leonard Cohen, Lily Allen, The Magnetic Fields, The Wainwrights/McGarrigles, The National, Neil Young, Of Montreal, Randy Newman, Regina Spektor, Radiohead, Spoon, Steely Dan-awesome awesome awesome awesome awesome awesome awesome awesome awesome awesome awesome awesome awesome awesome awesome awesome awesome awesome awesome. But have you ever heard of The Beatles? They did a Led cover once.

(Did you know? Armando Iannucci is actually Scottish.)

Movies: Here's what it comes down to. Are you a Truffaut freak or a Brooks brother? Wes Andersonian or Michael Bay-esque? Because it's alright to like different kinds of movies. It's our tastes and personalities that make us unique.

(Who wrote the critically-acclaimed hit comedy about political (dys)functionaries, "In the Loop?" Armando Iannucci wrote and directed this movie.)

But how do you use all this data-infotainment? Watch:

You: Hi, lady. (wink)

Lady: Hello, cool guy.

You: Quick question. Do you happen to enjoy the finer things in life, including but not limited to deluxe love? (wink)

Lady: (wink)

This way you don't ever even need to bring up all the pop culture you don't understand. Before I forget, Twitter is pretty big because it does all sorts of convenient tasks I think.

Say though that you are forced at gunpoint to talk about all this popul. cult. That's how parties go every now and then. Well, do I have a suggestion for you!

Somebody somewhere wrote a book about how to talk about books you've never read, mostly in case you run into a party by accident. That somebody is Pierre Bayard and the book is "How to Talk About Books You Haven't Read" (Bloomsbury; $14.96 Amazon.com).

Personally, I'd suggest reading that book instead of reading this lousy column. Bayard is so smart they allowed him to write a book. I only have enough wits to write for the best alternative weekly in the whole South Sound, the number one competitor with The Stranger in lobbies all across this dirt-in-your-eyes, can-do, takin'-names, DIY town we call The Grits-Tacoma. My rag sheet is the Weekly Volcano, and it's enough for me. So play it safe, listen to a sophisticated Seattilite on this one. I'm sure his education will pay off more than my meager two cents.

If you'll excuse me, I have to go work with my hands, for pay.

(To be clear legally: Pierre Bayard is not from Seattle, or Washington. He is from France. Owen Bates was born in Seattle and likes to take day-trips there. He is afraid of touching things with his hands, even safe normal things.)

Coming up next week in Act II: roommates. You can't live with them, at least in certain cities. Well, that's pretty much the whole preview.

Please direct questions to: askpettyquestions@gmail.com.

TONIGHT IN T-TOWN>>>

If you're not hip to the fact that the first ever 'Nesian Fest will go down tonight at Hell's Kitchen in Tacoma, you straight up haven't been paying attention. Organized by local hip-hoppers Island Trybe, the evening promises to be off the hook.

To get you primed, here's a video procurred via the magic of the Internet of Island Trybe featuring J-Sway gearing up for the Too Short and Devin the Dude show earlier this year.

SUNDAY, NOV. 21>>>

1. Violinist Janet Sung is a sight to see and behold. Her violin skills are something to celebrate - and you'll have a chance to do just that today when Sung joins the Tacoma Symphony Orchestra and conductor Harvey Felder for an afternoon full of Ravel, Mendelssohn and Beethoven at the Rialto Theater.

2. Every Tuesday and Sunday Longhorn Saloon hosts a beer pong tournament. Tonight's frat-like action starts at 9 p.m., and there's a $5 entry fee. If you're the kind of dude that's up for beer pong on a Tuesday night, chances are this one's perfect for you. Cash prizes will be up for grabs.

3. This afternoon is your last chance to catch South Puget Sound Community College and St Martin's joint production of Grease playing at the Kenneth J. Minnaert Center for the Performing Arts. But don't expect a carbon copy of beloved Travolta adaptation. Read our full review here.

4. Check a collection of some of the best aerosol artists in the area busting loose on the Broadway Graffiti Garages in downtown Tacoma. Happening every Sunday through the end of November, this collection of gathered graffiti talent is brought to you by Fab 5.

5. Built to Spill are kind of indie rock royalty. Making a name for themselves in the mid-to-late '90s, the band distinguished itself by performing high atop a rigid foundation of complex chord structures and no a small amount of jamming. Tonight, the classic Idaho band led by Doug Martsch will be at Olympia's Capitol Theater for a show benefitting Friends of Mia.

THE INTERN IS SCREWING AROUND ON THE INTERNET AGAIN >>>

I was thinking I should post this on President's Day, but it's just too f***ing awesome to wait until February. 

TOO SHORT FOR BROADWAY >>>

(As the curtain opens, an elderly man in Tacoma calls his son in New York):

FATHER: I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing.  Forty-five years of misery is enough.

SON: Pop, what are you talking about?!

FATHER: We can't stand the sight of each other any longer.  We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her. The elderly man slams the phone down.

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.

DAUGHTER: Like heck they're getting divorced.  I'll take care of this.

She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father.

DAUGHTER: You are NOT getting divorced.  Don't do a single thing until I get there.  I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?

The man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife.

FATHER: OK, they're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own fares. Now what do we tell them for Christmas?

MONDAY, NOV. 22, 2010 >>>

1. Roots reggae describes a style that began taking off on the world stage in the early '70s; by the time it hit the pop charts with Bob Marley, numerous Jamaican studios and producers were regularly adding to the genre's already enormous discography. The cornerstone of that legacy was Studio One, known as the Motown of Jamaica. Founded by Coxsone Dodd in the late '50s, Studio One gave birth to legends such as Marley and the Wailers, Lee Perry, Burning Spear and Dennis Brown. DJ Jason Diamond spins roots reggae every Monday at 9 p.m. inside O'Malley's Irish Pub. Check it out, mon.

2. Shopping-mall North Poles have long been accused of harboring bad Christmas tidings: pinched hindquarters, peppermint-schnapps breath, bribery to skip the line and go straight to the lap. And that's just the elves. Certainly, the North Pole inside The Commons in Federal Way isn't like that. Bring the little ones to see Santa from 10 a.m. to 8 p.m.

3. Mandolin Cafe hosts an Open Mic at 6 p.m. with Denny Foreman and friends.

4. The theme for the Tacoma Cult Movie Club screenings tonight is "Talking Turkey." We have no idea what that means, but EXCITING! As always, besides the main theme flicks, TCMC screens trailers and shorts serials, as well as holds a raffle. It all goes down at 7 p.m. inside the Acme Grub Cage.

5. Imperial Dragon Tacoma - Sixth Avenue. The 16-piece S.R.O. swing bandwill play jazz from '30s and '40s from 7-9 p.m. inside the Imperial Dragon restaurant on Sixth Avenue.

LINK: It's Art at Work month!

LINK: More art and entertainment events in the South Sound

CITIZENS OF TACOMA: THE WHITE STUFF FALLING FROM THE SKY IS CALLED "SNOW" - HERE ARE SOME THINGS YOU CAN DO WHILE IT'S HERE...>>>

1. Snowball fight in Wright Park.

2. Make delicious things out of snow. Click here for a snow ice cream recipe.

3. Sit inside and stare with melancholy out the window.

4. Dress up as a poor English boy and stare with melancholy into someone else's window.

5. Spiced cider with rum.

6. Look into a mirror and repeat the mantra, "I am a snowflake. I am beautiful and unique. ..."

7. Go cardboard sledding at Pt. Defiance.

8. Try public transportation. Trust me, it's never boring.

9. Protest the snow outside of City Hall. Sign ideas: "Get this snow out of Washington!"; "Stop controlling the weather!"; "NO more ice on my snow balls!"  

10. Dilute food coloring and make snow art.

11. Snowshoe to pub uphill from your house. Drink heavily. Slide back home.

12. While at pub, it's the perfect day to try out this pick-up line: "Baby, you a snow flake, ‘cause you lovely and rare, and when I hold you in my hands.. you melt."

Feel free to add to our list below ...

YO PEPPERMINT-SCHNAPPS BREATH! >>>

Bobble Tiki speared Christmas shopping.  Not "eased it"; not "did it early."  Speared it.  In one all-night, online hurricane of holiday goodwill.  A monster bag of Tim's chips and a two-liter bottle of Dew (a salute to the creators of the Net), Bobble Tiki demolished his nagging list and reclaimed the month of December for actual living! The first stop? Doyle's Ugly Holiday Sweater Party. Wednesday, the Stadium District pub champions the most repulsive seasonal knits.

Despite its frat-party subtext, there are three things Bobble Tiki really loves about Doyle's annual party: 1) The ugliest sweaters worn by a female, male, couple and group will be rewarded; 2) It's an excuse to cruise vintage and thrift shops; 3) They make for great Weekly Volcano community photos.

Oh, wait, here's another thing Bobble Tiki will love: Doyle's will be serving discounted White Russians and Smith & Kerns throughout the night. Bloated Tiki!

Ugly Holiday Sweater Party

Wednesday, Nov. 24, 7 p.m. to midnight
Doyle's Public House,
208 Saint Helens Ave., Tacoma
253.272.7468
website

MARIO LOPEZ IS COMING >>>

With no discernable positive qualities other than dimples and rock-hard abs, Mario Lopez, who still manages to live a life of D-List celebrity, will  appear Saturday at the South Hill Mall in Puyallup for a meet and greet with fans from 1 - 3 p.m. Lopez will be joined by his wife, Courtney Mazza, which makes a lot of sense since she's the by-default co-star of Mario's new VH1 reality series "Saved by the Baby."

Get it? Because he used to be A.C. Slater? Get it?

Anyway, here's a YouTube clip from Lopez in his prime. We'll be doing this all week, if for no other reason than we think it's funny and it gives us a good excuse to search for "Saved by the Bell" clips on the clock.

Enjoy ...