LIVE MUSIC TONIGHT IN THE SOUTH SOUND >>>

C.I. Shenanigan's Tacoma - Ruston Way. Collaborative Works Jazz Trio. 21+. 8 pm. NC.

Cork! A Wine Bar Tacoma - Sixth Avenue. Ricky Venture. 21+. 8 pm. NC.

Doyle's Public House Tacoma - Stadium District. Midnight Salvage Co. 21+. 9 pm. NC.

Emerald Queen Casino Tacoma -Eastside. Black Crowes. 8:30 p.m., $45-$95.

• Dude ... the Black Crowes are coming to the Emerald Queen Casino Saturday. I'm soooo going to let my hair down for that one. Wait! My hair is always down! I'm unemployed and rarely shower. I haven't cut my hair since Mellencamp dropped the "Cougar." Wait? What was I talking about? Oh, yeah! The Black Crowes! Dude, I'm sooo baked right now. Remember when frontman Chris Robinson was married to Kate Hudson? That was awesome for him. She was way hotter back then. He was too. Wait! What was I talking about? Oh yeah! The Black Crowes are coming to the Emerald Queen Casino. They haven't done anything relevant in years. Dude, I'm so baked right now. ... - Randy "Skeeter" McRandy, Black Crowes aficionado

Firwood Rock Lounge Tacoma - Downtown. Dimebag Darrell Memorial Event, with American Wrecking Co., Demented Souls, Psychonaut Deathtrip, Enemy Action, Demonic Whisper. 21+. 8 pm.

Hell's Kitchen Tacoma - Downtown. Rock Showcase, with Unhailoed, Mechanism, Arisen From Nothing, Syztem 7, Riot In Rhythm. 21+. 7 pm. $7.

Jazzbones Tacoma - Sixth Avenue. Doxology CD Release Party, with Roman Holiday. 21+. 8 pm. $10-$12.

• The Revolution is coming. No, I'm not talking about when anarchy takes control, the roads devolve into some sort of Mad Max scenario and R.R. Anderson finally gets the recognition he deserves; rather, I'm talking about Doxology's new record, The Revolution, which the band will officially celebrate the release of Saturday at Jazzbones. Always, ALWAYS a crowd pleaser, there's simply no reason Doxology's brand of ear-friendly, modern, new school pop rock shouldn't steal the show and carry the night. Put simply, Doxology, led by frontman Luke McPherson, is the kind of band the ultra-cool may not have the balls to endorse, but there's no doubt the band has mastered its craft and has all the tools necessary to sweat up the dance floor. Expect a lot of bodies, and a lot of new tunes from a band Tacoma has shown definite affection for in the past. - Matt Driscoll

Mandolin Cafe Tacoma - Central. Mad Silence. All Ages. 8:30 pm. NC.

The New Frontier Lounge Tacoma - Dome District. Countdown To Christmas Part 2, with Girl Trouble, The Dignitaries, The Riffbrokers. 21+. 9 pm.

• I've written about these guys before, but I'm gonna tell you again: The Riffbrokers make music that nourishes and soothes the soul. Sounding sort of like a Tom Petty meets R.E.M. meets Elvis Costello (meets the lazy music criticism of "blank meets blank," which I'm sure the Riffbrokers are tired of), they're the kind of band that sounds like they've been around forever. Their pop smarts are so keen and strong that those comparisons to veteran artists not only hold water, but function sincerely as compliments, and not as a sign that they are a lesser imitation of musical giants. The Riffbrokers are both radio-ready and uncompromising - traits that would have carried a lot more weight in the decades before the hook was eliminated from the airwaves. - Rev. Adam McKinney

Rhythm & Brews Tacoma - Downtown. Loose Gravel & The Quarry. 21+. 8 pm.

Swing Wine Bar & Cafe Olympia - Westside. Vince Brown, Greg Ruby. 21+. 8 pm. NC.

The Spar Tacoma - Old Town. Locust Street Taxi. 21+. 8 pm.

Tacoma Community College Auditorium Tacoma - Westside. A Big Band Christmas, with Mike Vax, Rich Wetzel & His Groovin' Higher Orchestra. All Ages. 7 pm. $10-$15.

The Old General Store Steakhouse and Saloon Roy. Junkyard Jane. 21+. 9 pm.

Uncle Sam's American Bar & Grill Spanaway. Last Internationals. 21+. 9 pm.

The Vault Nightclub Olympia - Downtown. Tablao Flamenco, with live music & dance instruction. 21+. 8 pm. $15.

LINK: More live music tonight in the South Sound

The answer is "nobody in the world," according to The Rolling Stones' "Yesterday's Papers," off of Between the Buttons. That is also the answer to "Who wants yesterday's girl?" Personally I think The Stones are great, both sonically and in terms of everything else. That song comes right before "Ruby Tuesday," so there you go.

Hi Owen, I've got a question. What is Sailor Jerry Spiced Rum ("The Original," specifically)? Have you ever had this? I just keep seeing ads for it everywhere all of a sudden.

---What Would Jerry Drink? Rum.

WWJDR, let me say first for full disclosure that Sailor Jerry Original Flavor Spiced Rum runs ads in the Weekly Volcano.

So, what is Jerry's Original Spiced Rum? Let me break it down and run it back for you:

Sailor Jerry is a man -- but he is no ordinary man. He is unlike any living man. Sailor Jerry is a dead man. In a former life he fought as one of the select Napoleon's Moors at Austerlitz. In a more recent past life he did tattoos in Hawaii.

You know The Stones' album "Tattoo You?" Sailor wrote that entire album on some tramp's back, years before Mick Jagger or Keiff Richards were born. Before gramophones were invented, before lyrics.

The Who song, "Tattoo?" Sailor inked it in a later-Victorian opium den, seized by a delirium fit from all the pills he took to keep a steady hand. Parkinson's threatened to devour Ol' Sailor Guy. He died quietly surrounded by family and friends at his quiet Hyannis Port compound.

Rumor has it he pulled the plug himself. Most rumors are not true---but some are. This one is not true. Dr. Fitzpatrick shut off life support at Sailor's request, which (all debates on medical ethics aside) is extremely illegal.

Fitzy is long gone by now, because according to American law he killed a man. Supposedly Argentina does not extradite. Supposedly bounty hunters have to play by the rules. If you were a bounty hunter who accepts US cash dollars, the Sailor Jerry estate would prefer that you play by the rules. But they will not complain. Here is what they can offer you as pay: solid cash bucks.

To answer your question a little more specifically, though, "The Original Sailor" Jerry Spiced Rum is kind of like Captain Morgan Spiced Rum except more alcoholic and different. Both are inspired by real sea people.

How do you fill a Zippo? I thought I was doing it right, but now my lighter smells like lighter fluid. I think it's leaking on me, and I worry about danger. What's the proper way to do it?

---Zippo Internal Problems Puh Oi!

Hey ZIPPO! Thanks for writing in about your Zippo, ZIPPO! You are a clever man (or lady, only Godcreator Gaia knows), and I applaud you.

Here's how to properly fill a Zippo, ZIPPO! First, click open that lid. Second, pull out the whole lighter apparatus thing out of the shell. Look at the bottom. You will find a cloth thing partially screwed into more cloth. Grab your lighter fluid (Ronsonol preferred). Slowly pry the spout open with a paper clip. Careful---it could blow at any minute. It's safe, for now. But you're not out of the woods yet, buddy. Don't worry, I'm here to guide you. In one hand, hold the lighter fluid; in the other, open the cloth flap. With the utmost precision, with as much care as you can muster, slowly raise your arm and---this is key---call Leavitt & Pierce, tobacconists, Harvard Square. They will you're your professionally fill your Zippo, for free! OK, hold on. This next part gets kind of tricky.

You've got an advice column. You seem like a ladies' man. What's the best way to woo a girl, would you say?

---Need Help With Girls

NHWG, I sympathize with your problem, I really do. Perhaps I even empathize or have the exact same problem. But this column isn't about me, it's about you.

But actually on the note of this column: I know this is pressing, and I'm flattered you thought of me. However, this column really is geared towards the more trivial, pet peeve-y, "petty" kind of "question," if you catch my drift. Dem's the rules.

I like you, though, so I'll answer your question. What's the best way to get that gal? Easy -- personality, humor, general handsomeness, easy-goingness, hard-to-getness, gifts. A wise man once said to simply be your self. Sometimes that works. Hope this helps!

In next week's issue: villainy in Montmartre! A chase along the Seine! You should really check us out, it'll be really cool.

Please direct questions to: askpettyquestions@gmail.com.

BANDITO BETTY LOU WHO LEAP OF THE DAY >>>

"Hey University of Washington Tacoma students! I'm the mutha elfing Foursquare Holiday Mayor of your Grand Staircase now!" screamed Bandito Betty Lou Who – our very happy friend who leaps for us on Spew. "You might want to double check Newton's law of universal gravitation on your final exam? My CHUCK TAYLORS just messed with your Universal Gravitational Constant!"

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SUNDAY, DEC. 5 >>>

1. They're still going strong, and still swarming The Swiss to do good, get loaded, raffle shit off, and enjoy the spirit of the season. The Friends of the Holidays benefit is tonight at The Swiss, and the T-Town institution shouldn't disappoint: Mercedes Nicole, the Malcolm Clark Band, Fingertips, the Randy Oxford Band and Junkyard Jane will all be doing their part for kids and families this year. Will you?

2. Swampy, electric and bluesy, with a bad-ass junkyard feel, Portland's Hillstomp has it. Tonight, Hillstomp will be at the Spar in Old Town Tacoma.

3. It's the season for shopping - but that doesn't have to be a bad thing. Today, check out JuNkTaStIc SuNdAy at Studio 6 Ballroom - an indoor market offering
"a little bit of this and that." It's sure to be awesome. If you happen to miss it this week, it'll be back on the 12^th and 19^th as well.

4. Did you miss Rich Wetzel's Big Band Christmas show yesterday at Tacoma Community College? Never fear. The crew-cut, trumpeting one is back at Stonegate tonight - a show not to miss.

5. Check out the open mic at Mandolin Café this afternoon with Denny Foreman and Friends.

MONDAY, DEC. 6, 2010 >>>

1. If you're one of the 5.3 percent of South Sounders who is of Scandinavian descent (OK, we made that up) - and if you're not, just pretend - get in touch with your roots and check out the Scandinavian Book Club that meets at 6:30 p.m. inside Garfield Books in Parkland.

2. You know what you want from your kids this Christmas. And it isn't constructed out of Popsicle sticks, or even necessarily edible. How does one ensure these things do not happen? Give the kids a nudge in the right direction with a fun project in Becka's Studio inside Children's Museum of Tacoma. From 2-3 p.m. children can create holiday art to take home. Parent, grandparent or adult may participate with registered student, so insert your own (truly funny, of course) spousal gift joke here. 

3. Summer's long days have come and gone. Darkness abounds. And just think of all the dirty things you can do in the dark - if only you could see. Stupid ineffective night vision. Stupid streetlights that let you be seen as much as they let you see. Wait, I can see the light. Yes.  Pretty, twinkling lights.  Thousands of them. Outside.  Zoolights, the holiday light display at Point Defiance Zoo & Aquarium runs from 5-9 p.m. Enjoy your stroll, and be thankful you're not in charge of this holiday light display.

4. Drink, write, edit, submit, read, drink, repeat. That's how Last Word Books' Drunken Poetry night goes down every Monday night from 7:30-9:30 p.m. The public may read three moderate length poems, plus submit a piece to be read by the Designated Drunk, who will be chosen at the end of each reading or shortly after and will be informed well before the next reading. Last Word Books encourages the buying of drinks for the Designated Drunk.

5. It's reggae night beginning at 9 p.m. inside the Gruv Lounge and Nightclub in Tacoma.

LINK: More arts and entertainment events in the South Sound

BANDITO BETTY LOU WHO LEAP OF THE DAY >>>

"Hey Pat Brown! You better call your friend Mr. Miogi because I'm the mutha elfing Foursquare Holiday Mayor of your Satellite Coffee now!" screamed Bandito Betty Lou Who – our very happy friend who leaps for us on Spew. "Check out my fresh Leapachino with no elfing whip!"

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DONATE TO A LOCAL CHARITY >>>

There's no better way to support your community than supporting your neighbors in need, especially during the holiday season. We'll feature local charities on Spew throughout this holiday season with links to donate your money, supplies and time.

Give the karmic wheel a spin for today's charity focus:

Project:U

United Way of Pierce County
1501 Pacific Ave., Suite 400, Tacoma
253.597.7494

Community spirit means everyone working together for the greater good, not just the social workers, not just the politicians, and not just the wealthy but everyday people, because when there are people suffering in our community, eventually that suffering will trickle its way down to everyone, even the young and the beautiful. The suffering of others reaches out to us through our windshields as we drive past poor people walking down the street. It reaches out to us when we see stories about homeless and criminals on the news. It reaches out to us when we hear about people who died because they couldn't afford the cure to the illnesses with which they'd suddenly been stricken. Without community spirit these events could go unchecked. But we are Americans, and our motto is United We Stand.

project-u.org/?page_id=2" target="_blank">Project:U, a volunteer organization consisting of people in their 20s and 30s who support and serve the Pierce County community through events that benefit its parent company - United Way, an organization that focuses on education, income and health promoting a good life, hosts a fundraiser Tuesday, Dec. 7 at Cork! A Wine Bar in Tacoma. CORK! will donate 20 percent of all sales proceeds from this evening to the United Way of Pierce County in the fight to improve the lives of all in Pierce County. If you think strengthening our community is important, and want to get together with others who feel the same, drop by Cork! for wine, food, and conversation.  In addition, CORK! will be a toy drive drop off spot for the United Way's Season of Caring. CORK! is accepting new gift items for Pierce County families

Project:U Fundraiser
Tuesday, Dec. 7, 4-7 p.m.
CORK! A Wine Bar
3012 Sixth Ave., Tacoma
253.212.1492

LINK: Donate to the United Way

LINK: Volunteer at United Way

Previous Mistledole charities

• Tacoma Community House
• Lindquist Dental Clinic for Children
• Olive Crest
• Emergency Food Network
• Catherine Place
• Mary Bridge Children's Foundation

NO REGRETS BUT ONE >>>

In interviews with professional critics, one question arises again and again: Is there a review you regret? Looking back, is there anything you wish you could change or take back? Well, I've been doing this for about a year now; and in all that time, over all those tens of thousands of words, after dozens of insensitive comments about the work of highly sensitive people, there's just one article I wish I could change-and it was one of my first.

It started innocently enough. A local burlesque troupe of fairly recent standing invited me to a performance, and I happily agreed to review it. I said so on Twitter and Facebook, and my editor, Matt Driscoll, tweeted it as well.

Unfortunately, as the performance date neared, I realized there were issues with our plan, the biggest of which was this particular show would only have two performances, one right after the other, on a single night. It'd close before the review could even run. As the primary job of a critic is that of consumer advocate, I saw little reason to weigh in on the show, positively or otherwise. Trouble is, this troupe was excited about getting reviewed. The dancers were proud of their show. My first mistake was neglecting to inform them of my reasonable change of plan. They were expecting a review. They got a bizarre puff piece, one that didn't go into specifics about how dazzlingly wonderful they were. My second mistake was relying on my memory when describing a previous event, which incited a factual error.

Was the show actually good? A few segments were; the rest, not so much. Even so, I wanted to feature the troupe, because I was happy it exists and I wanted to give it some press. The truth is I love burlesque. I've admired quite a lot of it, from the Velvet Hammer in L.A. to garage-level amateurs. But after what came next, my desire to do this troupe a favor was seen in public hindsight as anything but benevolent.

Tone is tough. With my limited alt-press experience, I thought it'd be clever to give the article a whimsical spin I'd seen in so much burlesque. I used fancy words like "ecdysiast." I attempted to sound vaguely Dickensian. Instead, I came off as what the British might refer to as a tosser. Meanwhile, Driscoll pulled an accompanying photo from the troupe's MySpace page, a photo which, it turned out, wasn't of a dancer in the troupe. Epic fail.

I went to bed the night before the article posted thinking I'd catch heat for a pan of a completely different show that opened that week. Instead, all tasseled hell broke loose. One dancer called me an "overeducated buffoon," a memorable phrase that landed so hard it damn near broke a rib. Another respondent went on at length about how I was, not just sexist, but reminiscent of a child molester. While none of these descriptions were true, they hurt like crazy for days-and not just me, but also my brilliant girlfriend, plus friends who had the audacity to defend me based on nothing more than knowing me better than my detractors. And the worst was my understanding that I had brought at least some of the abuse on myself.

I never meant any harm with the article, but criticism is always a dicey business. I've apologized for offenses I gave, however inadvertently or inescapably, and I guess that's really all I can do in any such circumstance. I am still remorseful.

I've attended burlesque several times over the last year; and while I enjoyed most of it, I never reviewed any of it, and I probably never will. It's still an emotional sore spot for me, try as I might to be Zen about what turned out to be, in the grand scheme of things, a mere hiccup in a teacup. Some members of the troupe offered olive branches, and I accepted them happily. Others haven't. That's their prerogative. But angry as I was about the pummeling I took, I'm over that now. I know most of what went wrong was my fault. Having said that, I also wish I'd never agreed to review local burlesque in the first place. I think it's probably impossible not to be sensitive when your chilly bits are exposed to the world; but even so, I should've known I was galloping merrily into a minefield.

HANGIN' WASHED UP >>>

In honor of the news that New Kids on the Block (AARP cards in hand) and the Backstreet Boys will play the Tacoma Dome on Friday, July 8 - with tickets going on sale through Ticketmaster this Saturday (Dec. 11) at 10 a.m. - we figured we might as well scavenge the Internet for some sort of ridiculous video. See below (paying special attention to how crazy bloated AJ McLean looks at about the 2:30 mark).

While it's easy for us to sit here and make fun of NKOTB and the Backstreet Boys (really, really, really easy), it should be noted that these two boy bands from an era gone by are still popular enough almost-certainly fill the Tacoma Dome.

The Goo Goo Dolls, on the other hand, are already at a point in their career where it's Emerald Queen Casino time.

Facts are facts.

So, would NKOTB/Backstreet Boys tix make the perfect stocking stuffer for that special someone in your life? If so, now you know what to do (starting with assessing the people in your life).

The official press release is below:

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