All right, can I just level with you for a minute? In this here column, I do a whole lot of shit-talking about movies I'll never see. It's kinda the whole point of this thing: I watch a trailer, I judge it as harshly as I can and then I stave off the ever-present fear of my own mortality for a few blissful, fleeting moments. That's the trade-off.

Usually, this is an easy enough task, with the sheer volume of dreck that comes down the pike in Hollywood. Riddick? Battle of the Year? Last Vegas? Fuck those movies. Straight-up fuck 'em.

Unfortunately, the only movie coming out this week (besides The Wolf of Wall Street, but that's a limited release and besides, it's Martin fucking Scorsese) is The Best Man Holiday. Besides pointing out the clumsiness of the title, there's not a whole lot else I can say about what appears to be a perfectly decent, well-meaning romantic comedy.

The sequel to the modestly charming 1999 comedy, The Best Man, this film looks about as innocuous as they come. Featuring a cast of very pretty, affable people, it presupposes a whatever-the-neutral-version-of-dystopian-is present in which everyone basically gets along and has really great smiles. The end.

Instead of wallowing in pleasantness, can we just talk about the newly released trailer for that awful-looking Robocop reboot? Good.

Robocop: The New Class doesn't open until February (prime movie-going season!), but I just need to talk about it with someone besides my therapist. Starring Joel Kinnaman (the only redeeming quality of AMC's The Killing) as the titular Robocop, this new version eschews the '80s ultraviolence of the original in favor of a PG-13 story about robots with feelings.

While the trailer would love to entice you with people like Samuel L. Jackson and Michael Keaton - do not give in to temptation. 1987's Robocop will always and forever be the one true Robocop, no matter how much the shadowy overlords of Hollywood would like to convince you otherwise. Rise up, readers! Rise, and refuse to worship false Robocop! Sic semper tyrannis!

But The Best Man Holiday looks OK.

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A Nerd Alert! has been issued for this week