MICHAEL SWAN: PRINT THEN CUT OUT >>>

MICHAEL SWAN: WHAT WILL SHE SAY ABOUT TACOMA? >>>

The Queen of Mean is coming to Tacoma’s Temple Theatre for a stand up show Friday, April 3. The 47-year-old Lampanelli is by all accounts one of the funniest, dirtiest and most irreverent comedians working today.

Tickets are $37.75 at Ticketmaster outlets. They go on sale Friday, Feb. 6 at 10 a.m.

LINK: Concert alert

STEPH DEROSA: I SMELL LIKE FISH >>>

Gal Pals Stinky Pinky, Bandito Betty, and myself (no nickname for me, how boring) took a tiny road trip up to Pike Place Market up in Seattle last week.  While we were there I fixed a frisky interview with two fishmongers for this week’s Trouble with DeRosa.  You can find the full interview in this Thursday’s print version of the Weekly Volcano.  Of course I couldn’t pass up the opportunity to catch a fish amongst the some of the hottest men in Seattle:

We also thought it was time for another installment in our Tappa Tappa* video collection.  Actually, our friend Willson who said, “You guys should do a Tappa Tappa Pike Place Market,” suggested we do it.  So we did.

Just in case you never saw the original Tappa Tappa* video Bandito and I made, here it is:

*Tappa Tappa is a Steph DeRosa and Bandito Betty trademark.  Bandito Betty created this dance and Steph produced the videos.  Bandito’s influences include past drunken dancers she has witnessed in her career as a Tacoma bartender.

STEVE DUNKELBERGER: HARLEQUIN LOVES SOCKS >>>

Harlequin Productions has sort of created a name for itself as a thinking-person's theater. Its shows are often deep in cultural references and plays on words.

Its latest offering fits right into that reputation. The show Psychopathia Sexualis is a comedy that is not only accessible because of its surface-level dialogue and storyline, but it also has clever cultural puns and darn I say high-brow humor that would fit right into the repertoire of the talks by listeners of National Public Radio or Public Broadcasting Service.

It is a good show to see if you want to test your own intelligence and cultural literacy. You pass if you find yourself laughing or at least smirking when others in the audience remain silent.

The play involves the struggles of a particularly distraught artist as he nears his wedding day. Arthur (played by Ricky Coates) is set to marry a Texas cowgirl from a rich oil family but must solve a problem he has been struggling with for a few years. He can't seem get himself "aroused" without having his father's argyle socks within reach. His therapist (Russ Holm) brands him a fetishist and vows to cure him at all costs.

As the calendar clocks away the days, Arthur begins to panic as six years of therapy hasn't seemed to done their job. So his therapist steals the socks to force him to go cold turkey without them. That makes him come unglued, so he recruits his friend, a former financial advisor turned psychology buff to seek the services of the therapist as a way to get the socks back.

[Harlequin's Psychopathia Sexualis runs at 8 p.m. Thursdays through Saturdays and at 2 p.m. on Sundays through Sept. 13. Tickets are $12 to $33. Harlequin stages its shows at its home stage, the State Theater at 202 E 4th Ave, Olympia. For more information, call (360) 786-0151 or visit www.harlequinproductions.org.]

STEVE DUNKELBERGER: THEATER ON THE ROCK>>>

I saw this notice for a theater instructor and found it a bit creepy. So I'll pass it along.

The Pierce College education program at the Special Commitment Center â€" the place on McNeil Island where civilly committed sex offenders are held for an undetermined amount of time until they are deemed no longer threats to society â€" is looking for a theater instructor. The instructor would  teach basic theater classes about acting for stage and film. The kicker to the gig is that the instructor must also stage at least two major theater productions a year.

One could only imagine that shows like Oliver and Annie are likely out of consideration, but One Flew over the Cockoo's Nest and Les Miserables would be fairly popular.

[If you at all think this is a joke, or you want to apply, visit here.]

DANIEL BLUE: MEET WILLIAM DAVOC >>>

William Davoc was taken from a family of blue herons in Mississippi at the age of 13. He could speak only in garbled honking-croak language and knew nothing of the Internet or any of the major discoveries of the Western World that Al Gore invented. He learned quickly that in order to be included in our American dream he must adapt the behaviors of less avian life forms, and he set himself to the task of normalcy with fervor and resolve. 

Now William works at the Museum of Glass, where he should be kept on display for his beauty and fragility. He very nicely asks people in his timid and awkwardly birdlike posture, "Please don't touch the art, no pictures please."

His dream is to become a standup comedian. I have seen him perform at Jazzbones, and he is very very funny. My favorite joke was, "Do you want to know what separates the men from the boys? (dramatic pause) I do."

Yes William, you are forever pubescent and estranged, but for the love of all that is heroic and demure, you're place in our hearts is deftly secure.

MATT DRISCOLL: IT'S A LONG FALL >>>

Think Cindy Brady will forever be a cute little kid? Well, think again. Check this out.

Times change.

STEPH DEROSA: BETTER LATE THAN NEVER >>>

Somebody here at the Weekly Volcano had to do it, and it will be my honor...

George Carlin, one of the most popular comedians in American history, died yesterday afternoon in Santa Monica at the young age of 71 due to heart failure.  I personally agree with most of his religious views, comedic views, and political views -  he will be missed greatly by many.  A legend has passed, and by posting a link to this video of the comedian at the top of his game I hope to pay homage.

(Thank you to my good friend Jeff for reminding me of this one.)

STEPH DEROSA: 97.7 THE EAGLE STURGIS GIRL MODEL SEARCH >>>

Excuse me while I get my Thesaurus ready.  I’m going to need all the different adjectives I can find to describe how much fun last night was.  And by “fun” I don’t mean “Steph gets drunk and shows her boobs” kind of fun.  What I mean is, “Steph sits back and watches all the various types of craziness go down.”  I spoke maybe a total of 20 words the entire night.  I simply sat back and soaked it all in.

I was graciously asked by the powers above (read: no one else wanted to do it) to represent the Weekly Volcano at the judge’s table for the 97.7 The Eagle Sturgis Girl Model Search.  The contest was held at Lady Luck’s Cowgirl Up, which is the Parkland equivalent to an internationally renowned bar known as Coyote Ugly.  I’m not gonna lie, these girls were smokin’ hot.  Not only the models were hot, but also the servers who brought us beer and danced on the catwalk.  It was a major blow to my self esteem and body image, but it was all good times nonetheless.

Ron Harris from 97.7 The Eagle’s Ron Harris Show was the emcee for the evening and he did a mighty fine job.  The minute he saw the contestants roll in, his hands started shaking and sweat poured from his glands.  I’m sure he had a raging boner for the rest of the night.

There were seven contestants total, and from what Ron and his friend Jimmy were telling me, it was going to be a tough round to judge. Apparently the previous contest was a blow out in the fact that there was only one girl who was hot enough to claim the title.  This time all girls entered could hold their own.  Or at least if Ron and Jimmy had it their way, these girls would be holding them.   I watched the eye contact between Ron up on the stage and Jimmy sitting next to me.  One would look at the other and raise an eyebrow as if to say, “I would so wreck this girl in bed.”

The stench of testosterone wafted past me throughout the night as I judged all three sections of this model search contest: Biker Gear, Lingerie, and Swimwear.  I immediately took a liking to two of the girls: Tony (number 6) and Ruby (number 7).  Tony was awesome because this hot chick had balls.  During the “biker gear” portion she stripped off her leather coat to reveal nothing but pasties on perfectly mounted breasts.  I saw Ron Harris begin to hyperventilate, but thanks to his professionalism he kept his composure and resumed the interview.

Yes, that’s right, they were interviewed.  Challenging and thought provoking questions were examined such as, “Have you ever ridden a motorcycle?” Or, “What state is Sturgis in?”  The best answers came from the question, “Why should you get picked to be a Sturgis Model?” I chose the winning answer to be, “Because I like to get drunk and show my tits.”  Ding! Ding! Ding!  We have a winner!

I think one entry was so drunk she could hardly talk or keep herself on stage.  I gave her low scores.  You gotta be able to rock the underwear AND walk in those five-inch platform heels if ya wanna be a winner, babe.

As with any alcohol-induced model contest, I witnessed a fight amongst two boys almost break out.  The troublemaker was thrown from the premises, and the victim remained inside to continue his party.  He also continued to tell the story to anyone that would listen. Remember, he was the victim.  I’m sure he did nothing to instigate the battle.

The Ghetto Beat Backward Hat Squad was out in full force last night.

Dudes with their camera phones were on guard throughout the evening, which raises a question: Why are these guys taking pictures?  Are they going to have a special photo album to show all their friends when they come over to play Grand Theft Auto on their Xbox? “Dude!  Check out my new “Hot girls I’ll never sleep with but I stalk anyway by taking pictures of them’ album!”  Sheesh.

This guy is saying, “Yo man, I would totally take one of these girls home tonight, but I think I may go home with a case of whiskey dick instead.”

Well, my girl Ruby won the grand title as the 97.7 The Eagle’s Sturgis Girl, but they are sending Ruby, Tony, and some other forgettable contestant with red hair to the finals as well.

As I attempted to squeeze my way out of a bar filled with sweaty nut sack-stench, I was able to once again demonstrate my quick camera draw technique and catch some shots of Cowgirl Up body shots.  I wonder how much he had to pay for that performance?  And why are there a high number of the female patrons witnessing this?  Where are his buddies? But most importantly I’d like to ask: How quickly did he run to the bathroom afterward to rub one out? 

Thank you Lady Luck Cowgirl Up and 97.7 The Eagle.  It was a blast, and I hope to see you all again soon!

STEVE DUNKELBERGER: NPA SETS SAIL >>>

While the Northwest Playwrights Alliance is holding a sold out workshop with Steven Dietz this weekend and its stage readings on Monday and then its Double Shot Festival next weekend, something must be in the works. The group is preparing to move its readings from Tacoma to Seattle in the fall.

NPA will be offer its free monthly reading at 7 p.m. Monday at the Broadway Center, 915 Broadway in Tacoma. The reading will be A Play that Begins and Ends with a Dream by Nate Harpel and directed  by Eva Suter.

Buried in the notice for the meeting was this little note "NPA update:  We're moving our monthly reading series to Seattle Rep beginning Sept. 8." That will be a long drive for the brains behind the operation, Bryan Willis, who lives down in Mcleary, but I guess he has to go where the support is.

NPA and University of Puget Sound are staging their second Annual Double Shot festival May 23 and 24 at Rausch Auditorium in McIntyre Hall on the UPS campus. Tickets are $8 to $10 at the door or by calling 253.879.3419. All proceeds benefit the Northwest Playwrights Alliance's Festival of New Works and reading series. This year's festival will feature 16 playwrights and directors and more than 60 actors theaters and schools in the South Sound, as well as some of the best talent from Bellingham to Centralia.