NEWS TEAM: WANKERS OF THE DAY >>>

Judge Michael A. Hecht

Black carbon

Ron Jeremy’s Twittering penis

NEWS TEAM: WANKERS OF THE DAY >>>

Scumbag suspect in last week's downtown Tacoma homicide

Winter is still here.

Tight purses

Banks who raised interest rates and fees after taking bailout money.

MATT DRISCOLL: HAD TOO MUCH TO THINK LAST NIGHT >>>

What the fuck is going on in the world?

With the rampant string of heinous crimes that have recently gone down in Tacoma and Pierce County, it’s enough to make you wonder. Kids being executed by their dad. Cabbies getting killed. 50-year-old women being gunned down.

This is the world we live in.

In this week’s issue of the Weekly Volcano I took a moment to wonder aloud whether the economic crisis is playing into the pain and despair we’re all feeling â€" and seeing on a nearly nightly basis on local news broadcasts.

And if it is, as a community, what can we do to help?

To read this week’s Volcano editorial, click here.

NEWS TEAM: GOOD MORNING SOUTH SOUND >>>

Lakewood ships off its scum to other cities.

Pirates are really not that much fun.

Vermont legalizes gay marriage.

As much as he loves maple syrup on everything former Republican House Speaker Newt Gingrich will probably now never step foot in Vermont again.

Why the Weekly Volcano male staff is shoved in the back of the office.

Japanese pop star dresses as pineapple, gets robbed and assaulted in Sweden.

Keep an eye on his knuckles: Hugh Jackman is heartbroken over X-Men Origins leak.

MATT DRISCOLL: A LOOK AT THE WEEK THAT WAS  >>>

In my youth â€" and I don’t mean years, I mean perspective on life â€" I lived for Saturdays, back in a time before cynicism wrecked me, and obligations and responsibilities anchored my soul. There was nothing better than Saturday. Total freedom. Good times.

Now, Saturday doesn’t mean as much. Sure, it’s better than, say, Wednesday â€" but it’s not like it was. Things have changed. Saturday means stupid errands, and vacuuming, and trips to the gawdforesaken Costco.

But enough about me slowly dying on the inside. That’s probably not fun for anyone. Here’s an abridged version of “Week in Review,” because, unfortunately, I’ve got to make this fast.

Got some stuff to do, you know...

Monday, March 23

Seriously, though. Who the fuck remembers Monday? I don’t. I couldn’t pick Monday out of a lineup of fuzzy days from my past if my grandma’s life depended on it â€" which is OK since the hag is dead.

I do remember getting official word Monday that Ken Grassi, of Grassi’s Flowers and Gifts, has taken the reigns as president of the Tacoma Downtown Merchants Group. Grassi replaces Patricia Lecy-Davis.

Three days later I managed to write about it. You can find that here.

Tuesday, March 24

I hear the situation is improving, but on Tuesday bad news broke out of Point Defiance Zoo and Aquarium, when it was revealed that Qannik â€" the beloved beluga whale â€" was sick and not eating. Apparently, zoo officials have been feeding Qannik by hand, and as Friday night his condition was improving. Here’s an update from the Trib. (Pay special attention to the snug ass picture by Cole Cosgrove. For those who don’t know, snug is the new tight, and Cole Cosgrove grills a mean burger.)

And here’s a video we hope will inspire Qannik to never get give up.

Wednesday, March 25

If you like a bizarre, trashy ass story, Wednesday offered a good one â€" and it came from Mexico via Vancouver, Wash.

It was news to me, but apparently a 33-year-old father and his 16-year-old son from Vancouver had been wanted for over a month for beating the shit out of a cross country skier with a wooden club â€" then stealing his wallet and his truck.

Well, on Wednesday father and son were arrested by U.S. Marshalls in Mexico â€" after their crime made America’s Most Wanted and an alert viewer recognized them. Police apparently already knew the dynamic duo was in Mexico from the boy’s MySpace page, but the exact location had been a mystery.

33 and 16. Babies havin’ babies, my friends. Babies havin’ babies. ...

And then beating the shit out of cross country skiers. What’s this world coming to?

With that, it’s time for a few messages from our sponsors.

Thursday, March 26

Powell’s massive and awesome bookstore in Portland was featured in the New York Times, and a new snug ass Weekly Volcano hit the street. What else do you need to know?

Also, on Thursday Google announced it will be laying off 200 more people. This week’s layoff announcement is brought to you by:

Friday, March 27

Sure, plenty of important things happened on Friday. I’m sure Obama did something of note, or some disgraced banker hung himself with his belt, or some announcement was made, or some minuscule glimmer of hope in this economic collapse emerged â€" or some combination of the above â€" but that’s for another time.

None of that really matter because right now I’m talkin’ about mutherfuckin’ Sonic. News broke on Friday that the much anticipated South Hill Puyallup Sonic location will open on April 27. For those playing at home, that’s a Monday. Voelpel’s saying the wait for a burger during the grand opening might take well over an hour, and the drive-thru line may stretch to Graham â€" and I tend to believe him. The man knows his shit when it comes to Sonic. He’s been following this hot story since the beginning. He’s like the Woodward and Bernstein of the South Hill Sonic.

Have a nice weekend.

MICHAEL SWAN: WANKERS OF THE DAY >>>

Facebook

McNeil Island prison security

Josef Fritzl

AIG … again

The idiotic blog post of Tucker Carlson

MICHAEL SWAN: TOTALLY SUCKS >>>

Chris Roxx of Tacoma Rock Gritty sent us snap shot of what at Supernova Hair and Tattoo last night. According to Roxx, a giant pole was thrown through their windows. Strangely, nothing was stolen and the register was covered in black soot. So X Files.

BOBBLE TIKI: BREAKFAST WITH BOBBLE TIKI >>>

In the aftermath of the 9/11 attacks, the Justice Department secretly gave the green light for the U.S. military to attack apartment buildings and office complexes inside the United States, deploy high-tech surveillance against U.S. citizens and potentially suspend First Amendment freedom-of-the-press rights in order to combat the terror threat, according to a memo released Monday.

Destruction in Tacoma!

Now Bobble Tiki can go to the movies ... by himself.

R.I.P. The Dow Jones Industrial Average. Here’s the latest.

This is good, right? Right?

“Scientists make HIV strain that can infect monkeys.” This will come back and bite us.

Viruses steal important information on Facebook, like 25 things the hackers didn’t know about you.

The Bachelor Jason Mesnick took a No. 2.

Check out photos of what you lose when you torment puppies.

Top Dorks

MATT DRISCOLL: BONG HITS, BUILDING HEIGHTS AND DEAD RACCOONS >>>

What you are reading is something new â€" something fresh, like Taco Time or Bobble Tiki’s moves on the dance floor.

By the name you probably surmised the gist. Every Saturday morning, from now until I lose my fingers in a horrible garbage disposal accident or get so beaten down by the blogosphere that I lose all self dignity and start cutting myself and listening to My Chemical Romance, I will take a moment to sit at the computer and offer a very Volcano look at the past week’s events.

Sounds fun, right? Well, so did Ranked Choice Voting in the beginning.

But either way, here we go…

Monday, Feb. 2

Like most decent people, I spent my time on Monday searching for pictures of Michael Phelps taking bong rips â€" or at the very least taking one bong rip. Who wouldn’t want to see visual evidence that one of the most celebrated athletes of all time has a place in his gold medal covered heart for a little weed? I know I did. What kind of bong was it? Was the weed homegrown or something cultivated with hydroponics? Maybe B.C. bud? These were all questions I wanted answered. Unfortunately, after Googling everything there was to Google, I didn’t learn much.

However, while my Michael Phelps search yielded little more than one, over hyped picture and a lot of apologizing from Phelps â€" it did lead me in the direction of some other celebrities smoking dope. The Weekly Volcano research department tells me that putting pictures of celebrities smoking weed on the blog will be good for business. Who am I to doubt the research department?

Tuesday, Feb. 3

While the Tacoma City Council had so little on its plate that â€" just possibly â€" Tuesday’s meeting was shortest in history, to the south, in Olympia, they were busy debating the building height limit situation on the isthmus now that Thurston County State Sen. Karen Fraser (D) introduced a bill that, if passed, would once again reduce the building height limit on the isthmus to 35 feet, and make the land a shoreline of statewide significance in the state's Shoreline Management Act â€" which, of course, would make development there a huge pain in the ass for anyone so inclined.

(If you need a refresher on the building height wars of Olympia, check out last week’s Volcano cover story here.)

The problem for the Olympia City Council is, Fraser bill, basically, disrespects the body’s au-thor-it-tie. Not long ago the council voted to allow building of 60 and 90 feet on the isthmus in a move designed to spur downtown growth and development. It was a decision and vote that came after months of bickering and back and forth, and many in Olympia hate the council for it. Fraser’s bill seems to represent that sentiment.

However, while the Olympia City Council may strongly favor increasing building height limits on the isthmus â€" for whatever reason â€" one thing that’s certain about politicians is they always hate to be disrespected. Whether Fraser’s bill gains traction or not â€" safe to assume the Oly City Council is none too happy with it.

Wednesday, Feb. 4

Hump day, bitches!

Thursday, Feb. 5

The big news was the announcement of the axing of the ninth-grade WASL â€" as Superintendent Randy Dorn did today. Apparently, and stop me if you’ve heard this one already, there’s just no money for the ninth-grade WASL. Doing away with the test will reportedly save nearly $500,000 for Dorn and his reading, writing and arithmetic warriors.

And, of course, the kids love the decision.

I caught up with a fictional ninthgrader somewhere in Tacoma who told me “Fuck the WASL. I don’t have time for that shiznit, anyway. I’m trying to figure out how not to get boners in Algebra class and thinking about unmentionable things I’d like to do with Hillary Duff.”

Well said.

More Thursday, Feb. 5

Nothing too horrible happened on Thursday, unless you’re a raccoon, that is.

The atrocities continued at Point Defiance.

On Monday, two raccoons were found shot with pellet guns at Point Defiance. The animals were so badly injured that they were later euthanized. By Thursday, the total of dead raccoons was up to six â€" with two of those deaths believed to have gone down between 1 and 2 p.m. on Thursday.

Now, I know what some of you are thinking. Economic times are tough. Raccoons look meaty. I’d eat a raccoon. I wonder if that’s what’s going on here?

Since dead raccoon carcasses are being discovered, it seems safe to assume the raccoons are not being hunted for food â€" unless, that is, the huntin’ and eatin’ is so good at Point Defiance that the less meaty raccoon carcasses are simply being left for scavengers.

These are strange times we live in.

Friday, Feb. 6

The biggest news of the day came from the other Washington, where it was announced late in the afternoon that the Senate had finally reached a deal on the hotly contested stimulus package.

Is this good news or bad? Depends on who you ask â€" and whether you’re in line to receive any of the newly printed cash, I suppose.

Here at the Weekly Volcano we’re hoping the stimulus will finally pay for that breast augmentation we’ve been hoping for. We dream of someday fondling our own rack.

But, more importantly, what’s your take on the new stimulus bill? Is it what America needs â€" or are Democrats simply embarking on a pointless spending spree with no hope of sparking the economy with money that the country doesn’t actually have?

And how has Obama handled all of this? Would you have liked to see more from the man promising Change and Hope, or did he do as well as could be expected?

With that, please enjoy a dog with a beer. See you next week.