WHAT WE HAVE FOUND TODAY >>>

Motorcycle Club Global Grinders: It's under investigation because its after-hour parties twice have ended in shooting deaths in the past eight months. (News Tribune)

The Pot Papers: The 11-member Medical Cannabis Task Force has been sniffing around the Tacoma marijuana dispensaries and will submit a report that tackles issues such as zoning, permitting and security to the city Planning Commission and the Public Safety Committee before landing before the City Council. (News Tribune)

Turn On The Money Machine: because the Legislature ran long, state lawmakers must raise cash for their campaigns quickly. (News Tribune)

Train To The Bank: State auditors have warned the City of Tacoma to stop throwing money at the "Train to the Mountain." (News Tribune)

Prostate Cancer: A new technique to combat early prostate cancer may have far fewer side-effects than standard treatments. (BBC)

Pilfered Paintings: Five famous art heists through history. (Time)

The Simpson's Couch Gag: The real story. (Cinema Blend)

Soundgarden's New Single: Download it for free. (Billboard)

Help Us John Connor: The new robot prison guards are here. (The Awl)

REAL STORIES FROM REAL BARTENDERS >>>

I've been a bartender for a long time. I have met countless freaks, jerks, pervs, sweethearts, rockstars and crazies. Even though it's a physically and mentally exhausting job, these are the colorful people that make it all worthwhile. Well, that and the tips.

I'd like to share with you some of my personal experiences behind the bar, along with the stories from some of my fellow bartenders. Each week - under the clever heading of "Behind Bars" - I will dig into my memory bank - and the incident log books that all bars keep - to bring you some of my favorite stories.

Names of bars, bartenders and patrons have been changed or withheld to protect the innocent.

And the not so innocent.

Cheers!

This week...

Caught in the Act, Part 3

"The Lamp Lifters"

For the past two weeks, I've told stories of drunk people getting "caught in the act" of some ridiculous thing or another. There was the man with TV dinners down his pants, there was the lamp thief we had to chase down the block, and this week brings us another lamp lifter, only this one had some serious attitude.

This gem was pulled fresh from the incident logbook. Apparently, after a confrontation between bartender and patron, where the bartender stopped an attempted lamp lifting, the drunk, wanna-be thief left this little love note:

C'mon people. I know we got some sexy lamps, but control yourselves!

Speaking of sexy, check back next week for part 4 of "Caught in the Act."

Until then, Cheers!

LINK: Caught in the Act, Part 1 

LINK: Caught in the Act, Part 2

LINK: Past Behind Bars columns

WHAT WE HAVE FOUND TODAY >>>

Arms Bazaar: Army bazooka, assault rifles, grenade launchers and other weapons you might find in Tacoma. (Daily Weekly)

Vanity Nightclub On South Tacoma Way: It's opened and shutdown many times. We guess it's back open because gunfire erupted outside it last night. (KOMO News)

Port Of Tacoma Commission: It has a new long-range strategic plan. (News Tribune)

Deplorable, Destabilizing And Dumbasses: The U.N. Security Council will meet Friday to discuss North Korea's botched missile launch. (CNN)

President Obama's Re-election: Running a positive campaign might be more difficult this time. (The New York Times)

Cultural Question: How did cats become bigger than Jesus? (Creative Loafing)

J.K. Rowling: She comes clean with the title and release date of her new book. (USA Today)

Francis Cobain: Twitter "should ban my mother." (USA Today)

Now We Know: Top 10 culturally significant banjo moments. (Pop Matters)

A Glutton's Delight: Burger King is testing the bacon sundae. (Time)

The Avengers: A bunch of behind-the-scenes footage. (Ain't It Cool News)

Tosh.o Dude: He's physically harassing unsuspecting women. (Jezebel)

Diet Coke: It has unveiled a new line of fashionable bottles, one of which draws inspiration from Madonna's infamous cone bra ensemble. (Billboard)

WHAT WE HAVE FOUND TODAY >>>

Washington State Legislature Wins In Double Overtime: The Legislature adjourned late last night after the Senate passed the budget measure on a 44-2 bipartisan vote and sent the bill to the governor for her signature. (News Tribune)

Stolen Tacoma City Hall Laptop Computers: The computers were taken from Tacoma City Council-member cubicles on the 12th floor of City Hall. (News Tribune)

It's Official: City of Biot, France, is Tacoma's new sister city. (Exit133)

Indonesian Island Of Sumatra: It was hit by a magnitude-8.6 earthquake. (CNN)

Jerks: The Justice Department filed an antitrust lawsuit charging that Apple and others colluded to raise the price of e-books. (The New York Times)

When Unicorns Attack: The horror. (Huffington Post)

Color Analysis: 50 shades of grey. (The Hairpin)

Documentary: Kid's self-built cardboard arcade hits the big time. (Time)

Freaky: Elsa Schiaparelli's Skeleton Dress. (Who Killed Bambi)

True Geek: Battlestar Galactica wedding cake. (walyou)

Bob Ross Would Be Proud

WHAT WE HAVE FOUND TODAY >>>

Washington State Lawmakers: Gov. Chris Gregoire and top lawmakers do not have a deal to close a roughly half-billion-dollar shortfall for the two-year budget cycle ending June 2013. Senate Republicans will not take up the budget until lawmakers approve a series of policy changes in state government. (News Tribune)

Gig Harbor Principal vs. Pesky Car: Ted Strong pleads not guilty to DUI, stating his car was acting aggressively, which caused him to rear-end another car. (News Tribune)

Behind The Fred Meyer Door: A woman is suing Fred Meyer claiming she was the victim of a videotaped sexual assault, racial discrimination, and "extremely vulgar and sexual comments" while employed at a warehouse in Fife. (Daily Weekly)

Tulsa Shooting Suspects Are No Longer Suspects: They confessed. (CNN)

Buffet Rule: President Obama will push his proposal to ensure the wealthiest Americans pay at least 30 percent of their income in federal taxes. (The New York Times)

Fish From Hell: It's terrorizing Maryland. (Time)

IKEA To Build Entire Neighborhood: Wouldn't want to put that together. (Neatorama)

Hell Yes We Found This: Greatest breakup songs of the 1980s. (Nerve)

The Hipster Games: Hunger Games video spoof goes viral. (Yahoo)

Hot Dog Stuffed Pizza Crust: f you're anything like us, you're equal parts appalled and intrigued. (grist)

Beatniks!

ONLINE CHATTER >>>

Today's comment of the day comes from Zhsa who doesn't not beleive, not for one second, the sleepy young Lakewood man can't remember how a bullet got lodged in his arm.

Zhsa writes,

Maybe I've watched too much television, but I think he's a big, fat liar. He was involved with a crime where he cannot identify his assailants because perhaps he was either a) afraid of revenge or more likely, b) committed a gun crime himself. Nobody forgets a gunshot wound or at least some of the things leading up to it. Although, the original blog entry was unclear as to whether any of his belongings were stolen. If they were not, I suspect that the victim knows a lot more than he is saying.

WHAT WE HAVE FOUND TODAY >>>

Occupy Tacoma: Where are they now? (Weekly Volcano)

Jeff Kingsbury: The Capital Playhouse founder has stirred things up. (Weekly Volcano)

McCarver Elementary: Creative collaboration continues fight for equality. (Weekly Volcano)

ASB Ass: Bonney Lake football coach quits after being busted for stealing from the school. (News Tribune)

Today In Dumbass Drivers: Dude cuts off Washington State tropper trying to get to HOV with his inflatable doll. (News Tribune)

Veterans Against Lariam: Lakewood man not shocked that the anti-malarial drug Lariam could be linked to the recent afghan massacre. (Daily Weekly)

Syian Government: It says it's pulling some troops out response to former U.N. Secretary-General Kofi Annan's peace plan. (CNN)

Peabody Awards: Congrats to TED, American Experience, The Colbert Report, StoryCorps, Portlandia and others ... (Peabody)

Not Good: Kristen Wiig, Jason Sudeikis and Andy Samberg rumored to be leaving SNL. (My Daily News)

Why Can't This Happen To Us?: Man buys a Warhol for $5. (Spinner)

Just In Case The Force Is With You: Star Wars condoms. (Dvice)

Too Much Free Time: This family decorated 10,000 Easter eggs. (The Daily What)

Fashion: Your heartbeat changes it. (Animal New York)

Put A Little Skip In Your Step Today

REAL STORIES FROM REAL BARTENDERS >>>

I've been a bartender for a long time. I have met countless freaks, jerks, pervs, sweethearts, rockstars and crazies. Even though it's a physically and mentally exhausting job, these are the colorful people that make it all worthwhile. Well, that and the tips.

I'd like to share with you some of my personal experiences behind the bar, along with the stories from some of my fellow bartenders. Each week - under the clever heading of "Behind Bars" - I will dig into my memory bank - and the incident log books that all bars keep - to bring you some of my favorite stories.

Names of bars, bartenders and patrons have been changed or withheld to protect the innocent.

And the not so innocent.

Cheers!

This week...

It was time to dry out for a while, so Behind Bars took an extra long smoke break. But, just like the reliable drunk that you always run into, slurring and staggering, Behind Bars is back with some more rounds of excitement.

Over the next few weeks I will blog favorite "caught in the act" stories from the never-ending list of shameless and entertaining shenanigans that drunken people find themselves in, and the sometimes hilarious, sometimes fucked up outcomesthat ensue.

Caught in the Act Part 1

"Hungry Man"

Once upon a time, bars had to pretend they were restaurants by offering patrons something from the kitchen. Often, that kitchen was a microwave, and TV dinners were on the menu. At the bar I was working at the time, Hungry Man Salisbury Steak was the specialty and priced at $14.95. Needless to say, no one ever bought them. So, way in the back of the bar, to appease the law, we had a freezer stuffed with Hungry Mans.

One night, we caught a rather large, drunk man trying to escape the bar with his sweatpants full of hungry man frozen dinners! He tried to swagger out the front, sweatpants resembling a Hefty garbage bag, the corners of many freezer burned meat packages poking through the fabric. (Insert blue balls joke here.) We were shocked and amused, as we demanded he hand over the goods. He awkwardly, and rather sadly, returned the stolen items. We thought about throwing them away, but returned the meals to their rightful place in the freezer in the back of the bar, thinking we'd better have them on hand, just in case someone got hungry. We are law-abiding bartenders, after all.

And what became of the swaggering sweatpants bandit? He was promptly 86'd and filed in the logbook under "Dumb Asses."

Check back next week for who gets caught, doing god knows what.

Cheers!

LINK: Past Behind Bars columns

WHAT WE HAVE FOUND TODAY >>>

Battle Over Tacoma Cop's Pension: Victim's family wants Gov. Gregoire's help. (News Tribune)

Tacoma Public Schools Deputy Superintendent: Joshua Garcia receives the nod. (News Tribune)

Syria: It accepts a plan to end violence. (CNN)

When Fake Billionaires Visit Dollar Stores: Paul Allen's ID got hijacked. (Seattle Weekly)

Obamacare Vs. Supreme Court: May Congress decide to regulate how people pay for the health care they will almost inevitably need? (The New York Times)

Soundgarden: It's first new song in 15 years will be for The Avengers. (USA Today)

The Borgias: Here comes the season premiere. (TV Guide)

The Perfect Gift For That Recently Deceased Loved One: Own Beetlejuice's The Handbook for the Recently Deceased. (The Atlantic Wire)

The Well Is Dry: The cast of Glee visits Inside The Actors Studio. (Zap 2 It)

DJ Drawing Machine: Wave your Sharpie in the air like you just don't care! (CNET)

Kill Us Now

WHAT WE HAVE FOUND TODAY >>>

Snow: Oh, sure. (News Tribune)

The World Is Going Bonkers, Part 54: SWAT in Lacey. (News Tribune)

Puyallup City Council: It has entered the red-light camera think tank. (News Tribune)

When Terrorist Die: Police burst into the apartment of a suspected militant accused of killing 7 people, prompting a shootout that ended with Mohammed Merah, gun in hand, jumping out a window to his death. (CNN)

Checking In with The Supreme Court: Because about 95 percent of criminal convictions arise from guilty pleas, two Supreme Court decisions represent a vast expansion of judicial supervision of the criminal justice system. (The New York Times)

Male Baldness: It's all about key protein called prostaglandin D synthase, which are elevated in the cells of hair follicles located in bald patches on the scalp, but not in hairy areas. (CNN)

Oh, Goodie: Are you excited about the remastered Smiths albums? (Paste Magazine)

This Cinco De Mayo: Drink with George Clooney. (New York Daily News)

Cyndi Lauper: She has a new reality show. (Vulture)

How Do You Know It's Spring?: These 18 photos will tell you. (Pleated Jeans)

AquaDom: The Radisson Blue Hotel in Berlin-Mitte, German is home to one of the most spectacular pieces of architecture. (Inthralld)

This Hurts Our Brain