BRING ON THE WEEKEND >>>

You may have noticed I've changed paths this week. I decided to feature a cat getting tanked instead of my usual shot of a dog getting hammered.

Here at The Prefunk, we're nothing if not equal opportunity.

If you're looking for those pictures of Greg Oden's junk, this is not where to find them.

However, if you're looking for something equally questionable, relating to things to do in the South Sound this weekend, you're in just the right place.

Here's a look at two events going down this weekend, and how to prepare yourself, and your liver:

Saturday

Red Cross Benefit at The New Frontier Lounge

The Volcano already told you all about this Saturday's Red Cross benefit at The New Frontier Loungewith The Color East, Bandolier, SuckerForLights and Norman Baker. It's on Saturday, there's a minimum donation of $5, all the proceeds go to the Red Cross and the people of Haiti, and if you need to know anything else just check out weeklyvolcano.com. All the pertinent info (that was available as of Wednesday afternoon) is available right there.

However, I just received word via the magic of the Internet, that the show on Saturday at The New Frontier will be Bandolier's "last show in Tacoma, maybe forever."

Sad news, for sure. I've got a call in to Lino Fernandez of Bandolier, and as soon as I know more - you will too.

That said, even without more info, this latest development makes attending Saturday's Red Cross benefit at The New Frontier all the more important.

PREFUNK: Here's what we know. Saturday's show will be Bandolier's "last show in Tacoma, maybe forever."

That's sad stuff, but it's still ambiguous. "Maybe" means there's hope.

In any case, here's what you do: Instead of pouring out a 40 for a dead hommie - in this case, the indie darlings Bandolier - pour out half a PBR tallboy. The band is sure to appreciate it more than some crummy Old English 800, and let's be honest - wasting a whole PBR would be blasphemy.

Plus, they said "maybe." ...

SUNDAY

Band Networking Party at Hell's Kitchen

Dudes in bands are good at a number of things: Identifying possible couches to sleep on, obtaining drugs, locating women with jobs that might be able to support them, etc.

And, when dudes in bands get together and combine their skills and talents, the results can be downright spectacular. For instance, imagine finding drugs, a groupie with a job, and a couch to sleep on all with one simple Facebook status update.

These things can happen - through the magic of band networking.

PREFUNK: On Sunday, Hell's Kitchen will host a "band networking party" with Seasons After, Divide the Day, Wide Eye Panic, Underride and Hide the Scarz.

Here's what you do to get ready:

Instead of smoking weed out of that old Mt. Dew can like a typical Sunday afternoon, hold off - marijuana rarely increases one's desire to "network."

Instead, drink seven Red Bulls then head out downtown to Hell's Kitchen for some dirty metal action - with heavy doses of "networking" thrown in for good measure. Maybe meet the dude that will eventually design your band's T-shirts, or, at the very least, meet the dude that will one day post bail for you after you do something embarrassing and illegal after too may Icehouses.

Then, once you get home - make seven shiny new dope pipes out of you seven empty cans of Red Bull.

It's sustainable. And it just makes sense.

See you next week. 

TELEPHONE ROOM HITS THE BOTTLE NEXT WEEK >>>

Last year at a South Sound club I witnessed a bizarre twosome that wasn't 86ed for throwing drinks on people; instead a higher-up sent them to the downstairs bar, where they presumably would make less trouble (or at least make trouble less noticeably). The twosome was an redhead, I'm talking Irish-setter redhead, who looked like someone's maiden aunt - and her heavy friend, who had the tiniest eyebrows ever to meet a pair of tweezers.

By 9:30 p.m., the maiden aunt was grinding on every man in the downstairs bar, trying to get someone to dance with her. The customers weren't receptive, and an exodus began. Then she started touching my face. Sensually. Like five times. I was scared!

For the next hour, I watched her drunk dial — loudly — close to 20 people as she wobbled at the end of the bar. She still hadn't been kicked to the curb, even though every bartender in the place had begged the manager to pack her off. Did someone have plans for later?

That story popped into my noggin' after I read the Telephone Room's description of their next show, Drunk Dialing. Seattle artist Kristen Ramirez created "an installation of inscribed liquor bottles, each retelling a sordid tale of alcohol-fueled communication. The tales on the bottles are gleaned from friends and strangers via an Internet open call for drunk dialing anecdotes," the press release states.

The show opens Friday, Feb. 5 with an artist reception from 6-9 p.m. Telephone Room receptions are free and include refreshment. Good call.

Drunk Dialing will show through the end of February.

If Ramirez included a bottle from one of your sordid drinking experiences, what story would the bottle tell?

[Telephone Room Gallery, Drunk Dialing, Feb. 5-28, by appointment after the opening, 3710 N. 7th St, Tacoma, thetelephoneroom@gmail.com]

NO LONGER VIRGINS >>>

Yellow Cross is the band formerly known around Oly as the psychedelic sludge fiends, Black Virgin. Doing some research, the boys found another band named Black Virgin, purportedly from the early '80s, and thus decided a change was in order. Sitting with vocalist Carlton Bostock, guitarist Todd Bernd and bass player Sam Riksfjord, they explained the process of going through just about every name imaginable trying to find a replacement. Riksfjord, an avowed scholar of ancient Europe, explained that the yellow cross was the first official "mark of religious persecution."  It surfaced around the 12th century in France, in response to the Cathars, a dualistic religious order in direct defiance of Roman Catholic mandates and ceaselessly tormented by the Inquisitors - who made repentant Cathars bear the mark of the yellow cross. 

Regardless of the name change, Yellow Cross ascends unto Olympia and The Brotherhood this Sunday to persecute the eardrums of the heathen hordes - launching an intense Gnostic assault on your very ability to understand. 

[The Brotherhood Lounge, with November Witch, Red Trails, Sunday, Jan. 31, 9 p.m., $2, 119 Capitol Way N., downtown Olympia, 360.352.4153]

MUSICALLY SPEAKING >>>

Ah, Monday. So we meet again, my nemesis. Ripping me off the couch and out of my weekend "leisure attire," you rudely thrust me back out into the world, shouting things like, "Make something of your goddamn life!" and "Stop being so worthless!"

I hate you, Monday.

But you're unavoidable. So I carry on.

Musically speaking, here's a look at what the Weekly Volcano has on tap this week and where to find it.

APACHE CHIEF: They're young. They rock. And they'll be at this year's EMP Sound Off! competition in February. The Weekly Volcano met up with the band in a rain soaked alley in Tacoma for this week's cover story, discovering what it's like to be an upstart band in Tacoma's vibrant, young music scene. Then, we got some perspective from Makeup Monsters, a band familiar with the hype Apache Chief will garner from Sound Off! Should make for a fun read, and it'll hit streets on Thursday.

DREW GROW AND PASTORS' WIVES: Coming straight from Portland with plenty of T-town history, Drew Grow and Pastors' Wives will impregnate the Warehouse this weekend with Grow's poignantly hopeful songsmanship. You don't have to be a hipster to show up, but you'll be a lot hipper for the experience if you do. The Weekly Volcano chatted with Grow last week in preparation for his Warehouse performance on Saturday, and that interview will post in two parts here on Spew. The first interview segment will hit the web Wednesday, and a second installment will follow Friday. Look out for both.

FIRESIGN THEATRE: The Weekly Volcano's Rev. Adam McKinney jumped for joy upon learning the aging comedy troupe will be stopping in Tacoma this week for two shows on Sunday at the Theatre on the Square. He was so giddy, in fact, that we let him interview the Firesign jokesters for Thursday's paper. Remember to check it out later this week.

THE VARIETY HOUR: The band has a new CD, and they're talking to us. Get the lowdown on the band's CD release show Friday at The New Frontier Lounge in Thursday's edition of the Weekly Volcano.

LINK: Music tonight in the South Sound

BRING ON THE WEEKEND >>>

By my own admission, I'm not really one for currently popular television. Sure, I boob tube it upon occasion, but mainly I just watch ridiculous shit like Modern Marvels: Thumbs on the History Channel. Rarely do I have any idea what's going on in the mainstream world of American Idol, CSI-Wherever and late night talk.

Which, really, is why I have very little emotion over the current Conan vs. Leno debate. Sure, I think Leno is sad sack of absolutely everything that's wrong with our 2% milk, hand-sanitizer society - which is to say, he's not very funny. But I also don't watch much TV - so I don't really care. NBC could become all Leno all the time, and - really - my life would be exactly the same.

And sure, I think Conan is getting totally shafted. I've smoked enough late night weed to know he's far funnier than Leno, and it's a shame the way NBC is treating him - but still.

If all of the people with tears in their eyes for Conan right now would have actually been watching his Tonight Show in the first place, this probably wouldn't be happening.

Anyway, I hear Conan is selling the Tonight Show on craigslist now, which - undoubtedly - is the funniest and most entertaining aspect of this whole spectacle. Perhaps Conan's last stand will be his most entertaining.

Oh, and I hear Jimmy Kimmel is now a lot of Pro-Conan people's hero.  Because of this video ...

Kimmel's a douche, but that was pretty funny.

Anyway, here's what you can look forward to this weekend:

SATURDAY

Champagne Sunday at Doyle's

No, not that kind of champagne. Ask for the bubbly at Tacoma's favorite public house and you're likely to get flicked in the sack - if you have one.

On Saturday, Champagne Sunday the band - described as "Pearl Jam meets Bette Midler" (bare with me here ...) - will play for free at Doyle's, amid the soccer jerseys and pints of Guinness.

PREFUNK: Look, I have no fucking clue what Champagne Sunday actually sounds like. I was just intrigued by the description, "Pearl Jam meets Bette Midler." I wonder what that get-together would be like? Would Vedder mumble something complimentary, or would Stoney and Co. simply join Midler for a soaring rendition of "Wind Beneath My Wings"?

Or, would the just eat their pho in silence. Tough to say. ...

Either way, I'd mix two parts Michelob Ultra with one part Pepto Bismol in the parking lot before heading inside. You'll probably need a settled stomach, and a serious buzz, to appreciate Champagne Sunday.

SUNDAY

I'm torn. As a card-carrying member of the Washington State Stoners Alliance I feel a responsibility to promote my brothers - but, on the other hand, reggae really fucking bugs me and I think white guys with dreadlocks are hurting the cause. What's one to do?

This week, I'm deciding to ignore the typical disgust I hold for the overuse of the phrase "One Love" and Teva sandals, and - instead - I'm going to support the movement.

On Sunday, Mystic Roots, the Northwest Sons and The Puget Sound System will bring the smell of the tropics to the brand new Hell's Kitchen.

(Here's a hint: The tropics smell a lot like ganja.)

PREFUNK: Here's an idea. Don't smoke-out beforehand. I know it goes against everything you know, and everything you stand for - but why not feel what it's like to be the only dude not stoned at a reggae show?

I bet it's trippy as fuck, bro.

See you next week. 

SUZY STUMP: TOO MUCH MONKEY BUSINESS >>>

Hmm, what to do Christmas Day? Whether or not you celebrate Christmas, stress is always in season, and I dare ya to say you couldn’t use a healthy dose of silliness ’bout now.

Run over to Stadium Video next to Stadium High School in Tacoma’s Stadium District and load up on The Marx Brothers, Abbott & Costello, and the Three Stooges. Grab a helping of Duck Soup (1933), and see Groucho and the gang ham it up in what the AFI calls the funniest film “made before 1959.”

Stadium Video opens its doors every single day of the year â€" yes Christmas, too â€" from 11 a.m. to 11:03 p.m.

[Stadium Video, 29 N. Tacoma Ave., Tacoma, 253.572.1190]

JAKE DE PAUL: IT'S COOL >>>

If you appreciate everything you've got, doesn't it stand to reason that with a couple choice enhancements (e.g., breast implants, or breast implants), you'll love it even more? Of course you will - case in point, Hell's Kitchen.

We wandered inside this morning for a FEEL of its new downtown Tacoma digs (928 Pacific Ave.), set to open New Year's Eve with a free show. Weekly Volcano editor Matt Driscoll will elaborate on its improved music stage and bar setup on this blog soon. The club's enhancements rock.

Food-wise, Hell's Kitchen will go big and open it up - a much larger kitchen will be exposed to diners who may sit at a counter and watch the action along the cook's line - a la 13 Coins (I'm hoping for captain's chairs). Out of the box, the menu will be similar to the one offered on Sixth Avenue. The club plans to expand the menu down the road. Hell's Kitchen will also offer an inexpensive lunch option for the downtown workforce in the future. No timetable has been set. Its popular Tightwad Tuesday - $2 beer, $2 tacos, $2 wells - will continue.

Last, it will enhance its happy hour, making it a perfect spot to show off your luscious rack after work.

MICHAEL SWAN: HELL’S KITCHEN TO REOPEN NEW YEAR’S EVE >>>

You've been waiting for your posse to come up with a plan for New Year's Eve. Meanwhile, they have been waiting for your brilliant plan. Before you end up watching your mate fall asleep in front of The Three Stooges marathon, ponder heading to the new Hell’s Kitchen, which opens Thursday, Dec. 31. Yup, it's on!

Tacoma Rock City blog reminds us that Hell’s Kitchen will, in fact reopen in its new downtown Tacoma location on New Year’s Eve, just as booking agent Flash predicted in the Weekly Volcano back in November.

Thus, we come to that point at which we decide exactly what New Year's Eve is all about. Is it for drinking and celebrating and having a great time that you'll barely remember the next day? Or is it about building up ridiculous expectations in pursuit of a memorable evening that pins unnecessary significance upon the changing of the calendar?

If the former description comes closer to your philosophy of auld lang syne, then be sure to drop by Hell’s Kitchen on New Year’s Eve. For a reasonable price â€" FREE! â€" you can see the new and improved Hell’s Kitchen AND have The Jet City Fix, Atomic Outlaws and Wide Eye Panic rock you into the New Year beginning at 8 p.m. Hell yeah! Even if your hipper-than-thou ass has to pretend like you're going to be all ironic and shit, you know that this is the kind of party you want to use to forget about 2009.

For more details, keep an eye on Hell’s Kitchen’s Web site.

And be sure to pick up the Weekly Volcano tomorrow for our New Year's Eve guide.

REV. ADAM MCKINNEY: TRAVIS ROBERTS - 23 YEARS LATER - RETURNS TO THE STAGE >>>

Human Skab's strange journey started in Olympia in the mid-'80s. A 10-year-old boy at the time, he gained notoriety through cassette tapes of psychotic-sounding experimental punk that he recorded in his garage. Beating on buckets with spoons; violently strumming the guitar he didn't know how to play; and screaming oddly poetic narratives about nuclear holocaust, throwing rocks at windows, and drinking beers with friends. After the release of two cassette albums, he was written about in Spin magazine. But just as quickly as he arrived, Travis Roberts, AKA Human Skab, quit the music business. Now, 23 years later - a 33-year-old man - after a long service in the military and the forming of a family, Human Skab is returning to the stage.

But where did all of this come from?

"I spend a lot of time thinking about that," explains Roberts. "[My wife] suggests that I try looking at my life in a non-linear progression. I've tried to do that, and the only thing I can think of is that somehow I came into this world with some kind of knowledge about warfare and death already in my head before I even saw combat."

Fate seems to have played a large role in Roberts' life.

"A lot of the stuff that I was talking about, then, turned out, now, to be true," says Roberts.

Specifically, he talks about a song he wrote ("Dead Baby Blues") about walking through a graveyard and seeing a tombstone for a baby. Years later, his future wife would stumble across his MySpace page and hear that song, realize the tombstone Roberts saw belonged to her sister, and eventually contact him. They fell in love, and now have three children of their own.

"Somewhere, somebody wrote about the young Skab [and said that] as an adult you listen to it and find yourself looking for meaning and finding it everywhere," says Roberts.

"And now, as an adult, that's what I do."

[Northern, Human Skab with Mary Win, Thursday, Dec. 17, 9 p.m., all ages, $5, 321 Fourth Ave., Olympia, myspace.com/humanskab]

SUZY STUMP: TOM SAWYER THE MUSICAL >>>

You read The Adventures of Tom Sawyer as a kid. You figured out how you would explore the abandoned mine, and what adventures you would have on the Mississippi. Alas, it was not to be. If only your mother had given you an old straw hat instead of sunscreen. If only the fences had been wooden instead of chain-link. And so the suburban lifestyle once again thwarts your dearest dreams.

But. Why fret over never actually doing something when you can dream to have actually done it? And while you figure that one out, reserve your seat for Lakewood Playhouse’s presentation of Tom Sawyer the Musical, which opens Friday, Dec. 11. Comedic writer Ken Ludwig penned it.

Watch what it might be like to live and dance and sing just like Tom Sawyer did in the 19th-century South, and then head back home for your never-ending production of You, The Miserable.

[Lakewood Playhouse, Dec. 11-Jan. 17, 8 p.m. Friday-Saturday, 2 p.m. Sunday, with holiday breaks, $16-$24, 5729 Lakewood Towne Center, Lakewood, 253.588.0042]

LINK: Lakewood Playhouse Web site