Weekly Volcano Blogs: Walkie Talkie Blog

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June 26, 2009 at 4:52am

Be the Bee

PAUL SCHRAG: BURT VISITS THE TASTE OF TACOMA >>>

Burt's-Bees Oh man. Burt’s Bees is coming to Tacoma, and it’s going to be all festival like. The Burt’s Bees Bee-Utify Your World Mobile Tour will be at Point Defiance Park today starting at 11 a.m. Apparently, Burt’s Bees is celebrating 25 years for The Greater Good as part of this year’s Bee-Ufity Your World Mobile Tour. The Greater Good is a grassroots, interactive experience that provides educational one-on-one activities and product experiences. Translation: they’re promoting hand creams and stuff.

No doubt after a veritable orgy of hand and foot massages, Burt’s Bees representatives will introduce a new marketing package that replaces the plural for bee â€" “bees” â€" with plain old “bee” â€"  like “I got attacked by 50 bee.” Marketing and promotional materials will cause slight confusion, but by the end of the day, most Taste of Tacoma goers will have accepted the meme, and will return home to annoy and confuse their families.

LINK: Taste of Tacoma 

Filed under: Health, Paul Schrag, Tacoma,

May 11, 2009 at 8:30am

Morning Spew

May 8, 2009 at 2:41pm

Unemployed in Tacoma

JOE MALIK: SEE WHAT HAPPENS >>>

Down-and-Out-art You have a choice. You can go back, or you can go forward. It’s an easy thing to do â€" returning to some semblance of the past in an attempt to find your future. If you’ve lost your job, looking for another one seems a natural choice. But it’s not your only choice. Every fall provides us with an opportunity to get back up, look around, shake it off and choose a direction. Most people try and return to the path they were on, even if the path they were on made them miserable â€" even if it leads inexorably to a dead end.

You don’t need a job. I know that sounds stupid. But it’s true. If all the money in the world disappeared in an instant, we’d be thrown, but all the things we buy and sell would still exist. We’d have to find a new way to move it around and decide who gets how much of what, but ultimately, little would change. Or maybe everything would change. If so, I imagine it would be for the better. Change, if we own it, is always for the better. It’s never evident while the change is occurring. Usually it’s scary as hell. But we’ve all been through more change, struggle, strife, pain and seemingly insurmountable trouble in our lives than we’ll ever give ourselves credit for. Seriously, think about it. How many times have things seemed so dark that you we’re certain you’d never see the dawn? How many times have you emerged out the other side? I don’t know about you, but every time I go through the gauntlet, I emerge stronger, smarter, and sometimes happier. Suffering doesn’t have to be part of the equation.

If you’re among the jobless, you have an unbelievable opportunity. You have a choice.
Whether they realize it or not, people who still have jobs are living in a corner. I didn’t realize it until I was cornered until summarily ejected from it. Like the economic system that drove my employment and my prosperity, I had ground to a halt. I was still moving, I was still working, and I was still producing. But I wasn’t evolving, and I wasn’t alive.

Not really. See, life is about challenge. Not suffering â€" not being overwhelmed by so many challenges that you never look up or have the time to enjoy your achievements. That’s another kind of death, and it doesn’t pay as well. But every failure, every fall, every breakdown, every seemingly monstrous thing that occurs in our lives makes room for something else. That is, if we have the presence of mind to choose what we do after the fall. It’s hard to maintain presence of mind when you’re wondering how to feed yourself. But it’s possible. Try it. Look for the opportunities. They’re there. I promise.

But first, you have to get out if your own way. You have to remember that you’re part of and supported by a community, by people who love you, by friends, family, neighbors. But more importantly, you are perfectly positioned in a plan that’s bigger than the job you lost. I know it doesn’t seem that way. But where you are, right now, is right where you need to be. Try believing that for a moment, and consider your options. They’re infinite. Start your own business. Slack off. Do something that makes you feel alive. Remember what it’s like to play. Do something extraordinary. More than anything, recognize how good it feels, and try and think if you’ve had a moment that equals it in all your years of drudgery.

You have a window of opportunity while you’re adrift. Find the current. Follow that instead of your fear. See what happens.

May 1, 2009 at 4:10pm

Unemployed in Tacoma

JOE MALIK: DON'T PANIC >>>

Down-and-Out-art Oh lord, it’s finally happened. We have a pandemic to panic about. The swine flu is in full effect, Tacoma. And everyone is freaking out. Especially people who don’t have health insurance or health care. When I heard about this pig thing, it sent me into a spiral of paranoia and grim contemplation. What happens if I get swine flu? Where do I go? What happens to the thousands of people who have no health insurance and no income to pay medical bills? Does AFLAC cover swine flu? What about Washington State Basic Health?

The more I thought about this, the worse it got. So I decided to stop panicking. You shouldn’t panic either, according to Miranda Hitti at WebMD. So far, swine flu has only hit 141 people in the United States, and 331 people worldwide, according to the Center for Disease Control and the World Health Organization. Those numbers will obviously rise, but we’re not at a point where we should lose it over swine flu. A poll from the Harvard School of Public Health shows that 59 percent of people responding are washing their hands more often and using hand sanitizer to protect themselves. That doesn’t sound too crazy. But poll also shows that 17 percent of respondents are avoiding Mexican restaurants or grocery stores and 13 percent were pretty sure they could get swine flu from eating pork.

For the record, both of those notions are really dumb.

To put things in perspective, WebMD offers the following soothing facts.

First, most swine flu cases haven’t been all that severe. The worst cases have been in Mexico, and most people infected have recovered without having to go to the hospital. Most cases of swine flu have been pretty much like the regular old flu, sharing symptoms and severity. Honestly, you should probably be more concerned about the regular flu, which kills about 36,000 people per year, and hospitalizes close to 200,000 people per year.

Next, we’re not as defenseless as the evil media would have us believe.Wash your hands, don’t touch your eyes, nose or mouth, and stay away from sick people, and you’ll probably be O.K.

Also, we are about as prepared for a flu pandemic as we ever have been. The whole bird flu scare a while back sent government agencies, health care organizations and citizens into prep mode. That means "the world is better prepared for an influenza pandemic than at any time in history," according to a statement issued by World Health Organization Director-General Margaret Chan.

Also, pandemics aren't all deadly, apparently. The term pandemic is about how far and wide a virus spreads, and not how many people it kills. This isn’t the movies, and we’re probably not facing any kind of biological apocalypse. Sorry folks. Maybe a really good virus will come along soon so we can live out our favorite Hollywood apocalypse scenarios. Until then, take some simple steps to avoid exposure to this flu or any of the others floating around, and avoid buying into all the hype. It will help you avoid doing stupid things like buying an iPhone app to track swine flu cases.

Yeah, there really is an iPhone app out there. Any sort of mass panic tends to draw profiteers and scheisters like flies to a pig.

PREVIOUS UNEMPLOYED IN TACOMA COLUMNS ON SPEW


April 30, 2009 at 3:26am

Weekly Volcano editorial

MATT DRISCOLL: HAD TOO MUCH TO THINK LAST NIGHT >>>

As you’ve probably heard â€" aside from a looming, Gov. Gregoire ordered special session â€" the Washington State 2009 Legislature has called it quits for the year. The 105 day gauntlet has come to an end.

The decisions have been made, and the axes have fallen. Now it’s time for the spin job to begin.

In this week’s editorial I took a look at â€" far and away â€" the ’09 legislature’s biggest mistake.

Cutting 40,000 people from Basic Health was as low as it gets. The make-believe savings of such a move is only matched by the shame democrats in control should feel when they look in the mirror.

To read this week’s Volcano editorial, click here.

April 6, 2009 at 9:52am

Dude, Where's My Healthcare?

MICHAEL SWAN: A NEW SPUD GOODMAN SHORT >>>

Tacoma Diaries has a new episode â€" Dude, Where's My Healthcare?  centering on the current issue in America. Check it here.

Filed under: Health, Screens, Tacoma,

February 26, 2009 at 1:00am

Belly of the beast

PAUL SCHRAG: A LOOK INSIDE THE NORTHWEST DETENTION CENTER >>>

Volcano-cover-article-2_26 Allisa and Caesar Keymolen are normal, happy, goofy kids until you ask them about what happened to their father.

They maintain composure when their grandmother Gena Mejia talks about Allisa and Caesar’s mother Liberty Bell, who died of a medication overdose several years ago. During a long recounting of how Mejia’s family was tormented by a racist neighbor, the kids keep their cool. Ceasar Jr., 8, is a handsome kid. He sports a short Mohawk and an Ecko Unlimited T-shirt. He squirms and makes a lot of faces. His sister, who is 10, is an unnaturally calm, beautiful girl. She fidgets with her hands, fights back giggles and eventually joins in the conversation, telling how their neighbor smeared feces on their house and called them racist names. These are some brave, resilient kids.

But when Mejia starts to talk about the day federal law enforcement agents came to take the children’s father to a private detention center for illegal immigrants on the Tacoma Tideflats, everything changes.

The Weekly Volcano takes a look inside the lives of people targeted by the United States government for deportation. It ain’t pretty, Tacoma. And it’s happening in your backyard.

Read my full story on the Weekly Volcano Web site.

Filed under: Health, News To Us, Tacoma,

February 10, 2009 at 3:43pm

25 pounds to freedom

CHUCK DULA: RACQUETBALL IS HARD WHEN YOU'RE FAT >>>

Chuck Dula Fat
Editor's note:
As you may recall, Weekly Volcano scribe Chuck Dula recently struck a deal with a bisexual female friend of his. If he can lose 25 pounds by May 1, then said friend - and another female to be determined later - will have a three-way with Mr. Dula. That's what I call inspiration. Chuck will be chronicling his weight loss efforts every Tuesday here on Spew. Below you'll find the latest installment in Chuck's quest to be less fat and have sex with two women at the same time. Enjoy.

Beginning Weight 190

This isn’t so bad. I joined a racquetball league. It turns out that if you spend countless hours playing Magic: The Gathering, Everquest or World of Warcraft all you need is some decent cardio and you can place unforgiving corner shots within the confines of a racquetball court.
Joe Sobek was credited with inventing Racquetball in 1950 when he added a stringed racquet to the game to increase velocity and control. Old Man Winters was credited with wiping all six of the racquetball court’s walls with my ass in about 3 minutes whilst having me run about 3 miles in little 10 foot circles. I am flabbergasted at this sport. It seems to be the only sport where amateurs get better with age like a fine red wine. If, of course, that fine red wine smelled like an outdoor Slayer concert. Also, I don't care who you are, you don't look good in racquetball goggles! Jessica Alba wearing nothing but Mickey Mouse undies and completely covered in whipped cream and diamonds would look completely unattractive wearing these ridiculous spectacles. However, she would look a lot less ridiculous if she had another female with her who was willing to have a threesome with me.



Ending Weight: 187

Filed under: Chuck Dula, Health, Sex, Sports ,

February 3, 2009 at 11:24am

25 pounds to freedom

CHUCK DULA: I'M GETTING LESS FAT >>>

Chuck Dula Fat Editor's note:
As you may recall, Weekly Volcano scribe Chuck Dula recently struck a deal with a bisexual female friend of his. If he can lose 25 pounds by May 1, then said friend - and another female to be determined later - will have a three-way with Mr. Dula. That's what I call inspiration. Chuck will be chronicling his weight loss efforts every Tuesday here on Spew. Below you'll find the latest installment in Chuck's quest to be less fat and have sex with two women at the same time. Enjoy.

Due to the timing of the proposal of this article I will be writing the first couple of installments in two week intervals until I catch up with the present. Also, the purpose of this 16-week long piece isn’t to inflate my ego, brag about my rippling abs, or talk about how pretentious I can be. Instead, it is a possible reference to anybody who likes to party, eat, and drink as much as me. With that, let’s begin.

Week 1 and 2 Beginning Weight: 195

I have asked around and it seems that if you perform 30 minutes of cardio, twice a day, you can keep your metabolism working at an incredible rate for the entire day. Great. Easy. No problem. So, for the first two weeks I did this two times because working out twice a day is ridiculous. However, I did some decent cardio when I did workout. Here is what I did ad I how I improved. It sucked.

8 minutes on Stairmaster beginning of week one
15 minutes on Stairmaster end of week two

15 minutes on bike beginning of week one
20 minutes on bike end of week two

2000 meters in 9 minutes on rowing machine beginning of week one
2000 meters in 8:45 end of week two

Apparently, it also helps if you don’t eat junk food or drink hard liquor but we will wait a bit to cut out those necessities. More to come. Ending Weight: 190

Filed under: Health, Sex,

January 29, 2009 at 3:56pm

25 pounds to freedom

CHUCK DULA: LOSING WEIGHT AND THREE-WAY SEX >>>

Chuck Dula Fat I am a bad person. I hardly ever do anything that a decent human being would consider an everyday happening of kindness. No. Fuck that. I do, however, make bets with bisexual women so that I can have a reason to better myself. My stomach smiles at me whenever I sit down. My legs rub against each other when I am at an outdoor festival. I have a sweet ass. All of these things make it important for me to shed some fat. I need to sweat out the butter that is contained in every Cinnabon that makes my life worth living. I need to lose 25 pounds.

While hanging out with my aforementioned bisexual lady friend the other night I presented her with the opportunity of a lifetime. If I could lose 25 pounds by the first of May â€" she could enjoy an evening of sexual awakening with myself and another female of her choosing. Amazingly, she agreed.

Maybe I am a decent human being? Maybe I am a repugnant dickless lizard?

I have four months to complete my task. I weigh an astonishing 195 pounds. It’s gross. I have gained 188 pounds since I was born! At this rate I will weigh 405 pounds by the time I am 57. This has to stop. Until I'm 25 pounds lighter I'll be recounting my horrible, foodless life here on the Spew. My futile existence will come to fruition on the month of my birth.

And I'll have memories of a hot, three-way with two chicks in addition to a smaller waistline to show for my troubles.

And I'll fucking love it.

Editor's note: Check the Spew every week for updates on Chuck Dula's quest to lose 25 pounds â€" and score that three-way.

Filed under: Health,

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