Hi! Welcome to Petty Questions - a new advice column about trivial things. Let's get started.

QUESTION #1

Volcanoes are always trying to jack my swag. How can I protect my swag, without sacrificing that which makes me love volcanoes? 
-Bemused In Bellingham

BIB, you're playing me for a fool. If I wanted someone to sell me snake oil I'd go back in time with machines. Let's cut the carp fish.

There are no volcanoes trying to jack your swag. I say that with almost a lot of certainty.

It's completely physically unlikely, one. And two, even if there were any volcanoes actively trying to steal from you, why not put on an extra deadbolt and store your diamonds in a safety deposit box? They call it that because it's secure from everything.

You could've come up with that. You probably did already. Do I look like an idiot for answering your question now? Sure. Does making me look like an idiot make you look like a double idiot? I really hope so in all honesty, BIB, prankster.

Please take this seriously. I look so stupid now. If you're not going to be responsible and mature and nice, well then-go forget yourself. And I mean that.

QUESTION #2

My ignorance concerning popular culture is absurd, be it of music, movies, or even television. How might I acclimate myself to the world of pop culture and acquire the necessary trivia to impress my friends at parties?
-Still Watches Seinfeld

Here's all you need to know about stuff.

Television: "Seinfeld," good. "Monty Python," good. British TV in general, worse than you would think. "Curb Your Enthusiasm," good. British TV comedy writer Armando Iannucci, underrated in the US. "I'm Alan Partridge" starring Steve Coogan and produced by Armando Iannucci, take my word that it's completely worth it. "Two and a Half Men," cannot compare with anything written by Armando Iannucci (b. November 28, 1963).

Music: Rolling Stones, They Might Be Giants, LCD Soundsystem, Joy Division, New Order, ELO, The Kinks, Leonard Cohen, Lily Allen, The Magnetic Fields, The Wainwrights/McGarrigles, The National, Neil Young, Of Montreal, Randy Newman, Regina Spektor, Radiohead, Spoon, Steely Dan-awesome awesome awesome awesome awesome awesome awesome awesome awesome awesome awesome awesome awesome awesome awesome awesome awesome awesome awesome. But have you ever heard of The Beatles? They did a Led cover once.

(Did you know? Armando Iannucci is actually Scottish.)

Movies: Here's what it comes down to. Are you a Truffaut freak or a Brooks brother? Wes Andersonian or Michael Bay-esque? Because it's alright to like different kinds of movies. It's our tastes and personalities that make us unique.

(Who wrote the critically-acclaimed hit comedy about political (dys)functionaries, "In the Loop?" Armando Iannucci wrote and directed this movie.)

But how do you use all this data-infotainment? Watch:

You: Hi, lady. (wink)

Lady: Hello, cool guy.

You: Quick question. Do you happen to enjoy the finer things in life, including but not limited to deluxe love? (wink)

Lady: (wink)

This way you don't ever even need to bring up all the pop culture you don't understand. Before I forget, Twitter is pretty big because it does all sorts of convenient tasks I think.

Say though that you are forced at gunpoint to talk about all this popul. cult. That's how parties go every now and then. Well, do I have a suggestion for you!

Somebody somewhere wrote a book about how to talk about books you've never read, mostly in case you run into a party by accident. That somebody is Pierre Bayard and the book is "How to Talk About Books You Haven't Read" (Bloomsbury; $14.96 Amazon.com).

Personally, I'd suggest reading that book instead of reading this lousy column. Bayard is so smart they allowed him to write a book. I only have enough wits to write for the best alternative weekly in the whole South Sound, the number one competitor with The Stranger in lobbies all across this dirt-in-your-eyes, can-do, takin'-names, DIY town we call The Grits-Tacoma. My rag sheet is the Weekly Volcano, and it's enough for me. So play it safe, listen to a sophisticated Seattilite on this one. I'm sure his education will pay off more than my meager two cents.

If you'll excuse me, I have to go work with my hands, for pay.

(To be clear legally: Pierre Bayard is not from Seattle, or Washington. He is from France. Owen Bates was born in Seattle and likes to take day-trips there. He is afraid of touching things with his hands, even safe normal things.)

Coming up next week in Act II: roommates. You can't live with them, at least in certain cities. Well, that's pretty much the whole preview.

Please direct questions to: askpettyquestions@gmail.com.

NOW WITH MORE PUBERTY >>>

Straight off his total panning of Unstoppable, Volcano film critic Rev. Adam McKinney will be forced to sit through the latest Harry Potter movie this week - with his review of the film scheduled to print in Thursday's paper.

This Potter flick, of course, is Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. Not sure how good it will be - but judging from the trailer it seems Harry Potter gets an ever-so-slight touch of five o'clock shadow in this installment. Exciting.

While we're on the Potter tip, it's worth mentioning there will be a large Harry Potter release party Wednesday night at the Temple Theater in Tacoma.

THE KIDS (AND ADULTS) ARE EXCITED >>>

Yo Gabba Gabba Live! hits the Tacoma Dome today for two shows - one at 2 p.m. and one at 5 p.m. for the real party animals. All the regulars will be there, including THE REAL DJ Lance, not to mention the iconic Biz Markie.

Check out the Weekly Volcano's interview with show co-creator Scott Schultz here.

And view this video because it's awesome.

WHAT WE HAVE FOUND TODAY >>>

What was Shaggy's real name on "Scooby Doo?"

American geologists have discovered untapped mineral deposits in Afghanistan that could be worth nearly one trillion dollars. Looks like the United states will be digging in for a while.

Beer commercial people  – and reporters – were abducted by Nahua Indians with machetes.

The KKK threatened to kill Ted Kennedy.

Human Genome Sciences say they have a medication for Hepatitis C but that the FDA likely won't approve it due to "risks."

A billionaire expert speaks out on killer UFOs.

Jimmy Dean died at 81.

WHAT WE HAVE FOUND TODAY >>>

After announcing his divorce CNN accidently publishes Al Gore's personal email address. Who would have thought the Clintons would be the ones to last?

President Obama has announced a criminal investigation into the oil spill to see whether BP committed any crimes. Totally not a PR move.

100 years after his death, Mark Twain's memoirs will soon be published.

How to live like a lunkhead Vulcan.

Ten inventors killed by their own inventions.

The best moments from Lady Gaga's Larry king Live appearance.

SATURDAY A.M.  >>>

As was noted in this week's Volcano, I'll be in The Middle of Fucking Nowhere for the next three days - better known as the Gorge in George - for the annual indie music extravaganza that is the Sasquatch! Music Festival.

There might be some Crooked Rain, and things could even start to feel Slanted and Enchanted. The weekend will no doubt be wrought with references to Gideon and Charlemagne, townies, tattoos and, of course, parties.

And that's just The Hold Steady and the reunited Pavement - the tip of the Sasquatch! iceberg. Over the next three days, Shabazz Palaces, Vampire Weekend, MGMT (and their disappointing second record), Quasi, Freelance Whales, The Long Winters, Public Enemy, comedians Patton Oswalt and Rory Scovel, Dr. Dog, Temper Trap, Jaguar Love - and about a zillion other equally exciting bands will be battling the elements and taking in the beauty of the Gorge with the rest of us in the sold out crowd - naturally delivering rock-festival-primed sets when they're not relaxing backstage or taking in the majesty that is thousand and thousands of bearded Pitchfork readers.

Later today, at around 5 p.m., legendary Seattle (Bellingham) popsters The Posies will take the stage; they're no strangers to big crowds and massive events. Over a career that started way back in 1987, Ken Stringfellow and Jon Auer have done just about everything there is to do in rock ‘n roll. The last time I saw them, Auer and Stringfellow were in Austin for SXSW, where they were a part of one of the most memorable shows of the festival - the legitimately-touching tribute to Big Star frontman Alex Chilton, who passed away the day SXSW opened. Auer and Stringfellow, as you probably know, had performed with Chilton off-and-on for years as part of a reunited Big Star, and the band was scheduled to play the SXSW on March 20. Instead, Auer, Stringfellow and anyone else who was anybody at SXSW (basically) crammed into a sweaty Austin club on an unusually cold Austin night, and paid tribute to a true pioneer.  By all accounts, it was truly moving.

Today, in mere hours, Stringfellow and Auer, as the Posies, will play to a much bigger crowd - as part of what's quickly becoming and equally important yearly event in the music world. Planning on drawing heavily from new material, from a record the Posies are currently working on, Stringfellow is looking forward to Sasquatch! 2010 - which somewhat amazingly, will  be his first experience with the festival.

"When I moved away to France, Sasquatch was still all String Cheese Incident," says Stringfellow, who is married to French band manager, Dominique Sassi.

"Sasquatch is part of a network, if you will, of regional hipster festivals like Coachella, Pitchfork, Bonnaroo, etc. that pretty much let Generation Now congregate and revel together in their collective coolness and exquisite taste," he continues. "It's much needed, for sure-these are the kind of things that happen every six blocks in Europe during summer, but I have to give Sasquatch credit for sniffing the wind early and really building up a great lineup and a massive festival in just a few scant years here amongst the gringos."

As for the band's set this afternoon...

"I believe we will be focusing on the next record, which we're working on right now, the songs really show how far we've come over the last years," says Stringfellow. "I think our current material is very much in step with what's going on at Sasquatch, and I would be aghast if all we had to present was a collection of hits from the 90s. Barf."

So, who are you excited to see at Sasquatch! 2010. If you're not going, who are you bummed to be missing?

Follow the Sasquatch 2010! action right here and via Twitter - @weeklyvolcano. I'll be posting tasty tidbits, pictures and recaps throughout the weekend - or as much as the press tent Internet in The Middle of Fucking Nowhere will allow.

And stay connected. Hit me up through Twitter at either @weeklyvolcano or @mattsdriscoll to let me know what I should be checking out.

WHAT WE HAVE FOUND TODAY >>>

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WHAT WE HAVE FOUND TODAY >>>

The first Earth Day was 40 years ago today.

The U.S. Treasury used its YouTubez to unveil a new $100 bill.

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WHAT WE HAVE FOUND TODAY >>>

Anger in downtown Olympia

Eff bullies

Apparently three percent of parents regret what they named their child, but can't do anything about it now. Our regards go out to the parents of Waka Flocka Flame.

Jimmy Fallon: Weekend Update charades

Sheriff in a Texas town tells residents to start packing heat.

It's Dennis Quaid's birthday!

WHAT WE HAVE FOUND TODAY >>>

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The Lakewood-centric blog The Suburban Times conducted a poll with curious results. "What's the saying? A few bad apples spoil the bunch."

U.S. and Russia sign a nuclear arms reduction treaty.

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