Standing up in the Milky Way, this is Nerd Alert, the Weekly Volcano's recurring events calendar devoted to all things nerdy. I myself am a Star Wars fan, mathlete, and spelling bee champion of long standing, so trust me: I grok whereof I speak.

FRIDAY, MAR. 14

Theater geeks have plenty to keep them busy this weekend, as Neil's Simon's dramedy Chapter Two treads the boards at Tacoma Little Theatre, while The Man of La Mancha (a musical retelling of Don Quixote) tilts at windmills for Tacoma Musical Playhouse. I'm seeing both, between performances of 12 Angry Men at Lakewood Playhouse, so expect reviews soon. Meanwhile, a beautifully acted production of Cat on a Hot Tin Roof continues at Harlequin Productions. This is the time of year when local troupes announce their upcoming seasons, so I look forward to passing that on to you in an upcoming summary.

TUESDAY, MAR. 18

It's a fine day for Blu-ray and DVD shoppers, with American Hustle, Frozen and Saving Mr. Banks all hitting shelves the same day. Each is fantastic, but only one stars the lovely and talented Adele Dazeem. If you're a Terry Pratchett fan, his new Discworld novel Raising Steam is in stores, as is William Shakespeare's The Empire Striketh Back, a faux-Elizabethan sequel by Ian Doescher. You could also give Pierce Brown's debut adventure Red Rising a try. It's been marketed as a YA novel, but it's a straight-up SF novel for adults. I'm enjoying it and look forward to its inevitable sequels.

Now let's talk Cosmos. You did watch that first episode, right? I mean, I practically begged on my knees. I was able to procure a screener of the pilot, but I saw it too late to review it for Nerd Alert. (Instead, my glowing endorsement is posted on "Carv's Thinky Blog," www.ChristianCarvajal.com.) This week's episode, airing on Fox Sunday, March 16 at 9 p.m., is called "Some of the Things That Molecules Do." If you miss it, it airs the next night on Nat Geo and lots of other Fox-affiliated cable networks. Is it about chemistry? Yes. I imagine. I don't know. No one else does, either, because critics got the first hour only.

Incidentally, that colorful nebula in Cosmos's opening titles is a retouched view of the Helix Nebula (NGC 7293), a cloud of dusty gas lit by the ultraviolet emanations of a dying star 650 light-years from us. It's an awesome phenomenon, really - a star very much like our own sun has burned through its store of hydrogen, and now it's collapsing into a dense ball the size of the earth. How dense, you ask? (Pretend you asked.) Think tons per teaspoon. It'll burn through its helium soon, before moving on to heavier atoms such as carbon and nitrogen. Eventually it'll sputter into white dwarf status, then fade away entirely. An ignominious fate, don't you think? It'll happen to our own sun some five billion years from now. The brighter they burn, folks, the harder they fall. Sigh ...

Until next week, may the Force be with you, may the odds be ever in your favor, and may your Cosmic Calendar always be full.

SATURDAY, MARCH 8 2014 >>>

1. Do you like the idea of skiing more than the actual activity? Are you considering taking up an extreme sport, but need a hit of inspiration before acquiring the mandatory tattoos and safety equipment? Then consider watching BANFF Mountain Film Festival's Radical Reels Tour's that explore environmental, adventure or adventure-related themes, including BASE-jumping, snowboarding and mountain climbing at 7:30 p.m. in the Capitol Theater. Mountain do or mountain don't? You decide.

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I suppose we all knew it was inevitable, this return to the Frank Miller well. With a Sin City sequel on the way, it's about time we get a follow-up to the tastelessly pulpy spectacle of 300. What's most baffling about the whole thing, though, is who has been chosen to take over the helm in Zack Snyder's wake.

Noam Murro, director of 300: Rise of an Empire, was previously only known for one film: the faux Noah Baumbach dramedy, Smart People. Starring Dennis Quaid in the Jeff Daniels role of the antisocial intellectual, Smart People was a passable look at the bad side of elitism and the stifling blowhard culture of academia - all clear signs that its director would surely be destined to send a sword-and-sandals epic blazing to the silver screen, right?

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FRIDAY, MARCH 7

As a child, I was raised on the delightfully slapdash cartoons of old, via VHS and LaserDisc. Stuff like Beany and Cecil, Popeye, Gumby, and Rocky & Bullwinkle were huge foundational entertainments for me. Sandwiched in the middle of my Rocky & Bullwinkle tapes were these odd little shorts about a genius dog and his boy Sherman. Peabody's Improbable History followed the titular dog and his companion as they traversed through time and space in the WABAC machine.

Now, sadly, we've come to the point where Hollywood shrugs and says, "I dunno, what if Mr. Peabody planks and plays Dance Dance Revolution? Is that anything?"

Mr. Peabody and Sherman is now a Dreamworks 3D animated film, coming 14 years after its flagship program, The Adventures of Rocky & Bullwinkle, came limping onto the big screen. Playing Mr. Peabody, without the nasally know-it-all bite of the original, is Ty Burrell of Modern Family. There is autotune, there is skateboarding, there are numerous fart jokes. This is all a way of saying that Mr. Peabody is the coolest dog this side of Poochie. Think he'll die on the way to his home planet?

Really, who is this for? Are there children who grew up on DVDs of Peabody's Improbably History? Are there any baby boomers with kids young enough to take to see this movie? I'd like to get in the WABAC machine and go back a few years to convince some producers to finally make the Beany and Cecil movie. The live-action story of a sock-puppet sea serpent and his child-in-peril best friend would be straight-up terrifying.

>>> The Visitor

ON DVD AND BLU-RAY

Speaking of psychedelic mind-fucks, this week sees the release of a long-lost bit of Italian batshit insanity called The Visitor. Released in 1979, the film now finds its re-release thanks to the geniuses at Drafthouse Films, those cinematic dumpster-divers. Starring an utterly bizarre assembly of celebrities such as filmmakers John Huston and Sam Peckinpah (!), Lance Henriksen, Shelly Winters, Glenn Ford and Libertarian talk show host Neal Boortz, The Visitor has been breathlessly described as "the Mount Everest of insane Italian '70s movies."

Briefly: an 8-year-old girl named Katy with telekinetic powers must carry on her magical genes by mating with her brother before a shadow agent can sleep with Katy's mother. Thankfully, a space Jesus known as Jerzy (John Huston) is there to intervene with the help of his child army.

Everyone on the same page? I know I sound like I had a psychotic episode while I was writing that, but that is legit what happens in The Visitor - that, and deliciously overblown visuals that are fraught with symbolic meaning. There's a reason why The Room is so much fun to watch, but stuff such as 3 Days to Kill is just unbearable. Blind, raging ambition is always fascinating, regardless of how successful it is.

The Visitor is like staring directly into the hot, glowing sun of ambition. A midnight screening is surely in order.

TUESDAY, MARCH 4 2014 >>>

1. The Harmon Tap Room hosts a Fat Tuesday party with the Southern Comfort Promo Girls, a best mask contest with $50 prize money (7 p.m.), an all-you-can-eat Southern style buffet ($15), commemorative 18-ounce chalice for $10, Jello shots, beads, prizes, swag and more from 6 p.m. to close.

2. The vibrantly filmed Sweet Dreams (the Rwandan landscape is breathtaking) is a powerful entry in the list of documentaries charting the country's rebirth, illustrating the unexpected ways the human spirit reinvents itself after enduring the unthinkable. Catch it at 1:45 and 6:40 p.m. at The Grand Cinema in Tacoma.

3. Portland, Ore. novelist Cari Luna will read from her debut novel, The Revolution of Every Day, which was named by the Oregonian as one of the Top 10 Northwest Books of 2013. D. Foy will give a sneak preview of his forthcoming debut novel, Made to Break, which recently made Flavorwire's list of 15 Most Anticipated Books of 2014. Both readings will happen at Orca Books in Olympia, which goes down at 7 p.m.

4. Hosted by Ralph Porter every Tuesday at 8:30 p.m., Ha Ha Tuesdays at Jazzbones offers a string of comedians and drink specials.

5. The 1230 Room probably has you at "$4 lemon drops," but you also may be interested in the downtown Olympia club's Tuesday deep, tech and progressive house night "Deep Tuesdays." It launches at 9 p.m. with drink specials, no cover and resident DJs Alex Bosi and Evan Mould.

LINK: Tuesday, March 4 arts and entertainment events in the greater Tacoma and Olympia area

GRAB A CUP AND READ THE MORNING REPORT FOR 3.4.14 >>>

Russia does not want to take over Ukraine's Crimea region, President Vladimir Putin said today, but he showed no signs of backing down on Russia's presence in the region despite Western pressure.    

South Korea said North Korea fired seven suspected artillery shells into the ocean today.

The Defense Department has "put on hold" military-to-military activities with Russia.

Study: Nearby blasts may cause lasting damage without symptoms.

The U.S. military has failed to upgrade the discharges of Vietnam veterans who developed post-traumatic stress disorder, resulting in stigma and loss of benefits, according to a federal lawsuit filed Monday.

When it comes to a new round of base closures in 2017, lawmakers are split between lukewarm support, vehement opposition and general uncertainty.

The U.S. Defense Department will likely continue asking Congress for war funding separate from the Pentagon's base budget accounts and not subject to federal spending caps even if all American troops leave Afghanistan by the end of the year.

As the defense community waits to see whether the U.S. Air Force's Combat Rescue Helicopter program will be funded in the FY 2015 budget, producer Sikorsky's price proposal is set to expire by the end of March.

The Japanese military plans to create a force of about 3,000 troops modeled after the U.S. Marine Corps and capable of rapidly launching amphibious missions.

Boeing Co. won the U.S. Defense Department's biggest contract last month, a $2 billion award for more P-8 Poseidon surveillance planes.

Fred Smith served two tours in Vietnam with the Marine Corps, earning the Silver Star, Bronze Star and two Purple Heart medals.

Seriously? The Air Force Academy is investigating 40 freshmen for allegedly cheating on a Chemistry 101 lab report assignment.

He shoots - he scores! Say that a few dozen times. That will give you a sense of how many points LeBron James scored in leading the Miami Heat past the Charlotte Bobcats on Monday night.

The Daily Show has named a new correspondent.

Preview the season finale of True Detective.

VH1 is launching a Rico Suave docu-series.

List: best Chinese takeout in America.

Use this widget to Travoltify your own name.

Finally: Star Trek Captain's Chair pet bed.

Miniature maestro

GRAB A CUP AND READ THE MORNING REPORT FOR 3.3.14 >>>

American military commanders have a sizable amount of firepower at their disposal in Europe as the crisis deepens over Russia's incursion into Ukraine - but Washington has no plans to use it.

When the Russian parliament authorized the deployment of military forces in Ukraine, sending black-clad gunmen into the former Soviet Republic, it might have been expected to touch off yet another battle between the White House and congressional Republicans. Instead, there has been a conspicuous absence of saber-rattling on both sides.

Some 13,729 Afghan troops killed, 16,511 wounded during war in Afghanistan - higher than previously reported.

The Pentagon will unveil its 2015 budget proposal this week, beginning a contentious fight with Capitol Hill over the military's spending priorities.

Hagel defended administration plans to downsize the military in its new budget proposal.

Chuck Hagel, with his first budget plan as U.S. defense secretary, has managed to do the unthinkable: He has united Republicans and Democrats on Capitol Hill.

Air Force secretary has placed a $41 billion bet that Congress will ease off on the mandatory spending cuts in the sequester process.

Booming sales of aircraft are squeezing suppliers, spurring brutal competition between Airbus and Boeing, which are demanding better deals from the companies that make billions of parts the factories need. 

Sweden - three years after selling its national submarine-maker Kockums to Germany's ThyssenKrupp - is now fighting to wrest control of its indigenous sub-building capability from the German giant.

Here's a recap of the 2014 Academy Awards in 38 words: Beautiful people were beautifully dressed. Jennifer Lawrence fell - again. Ellen DeGeneres took a selfie that ricocheted around the Twitterverse. That crack-smoking mayor from Toronto even showed up. Also, some people in the entertainment industry won some awards.

Cool: Bill Murray's spontaneous Harold Ramis tribute.

Here's an interesting list that ranks all 85 best picture Oscar winners.

Apple has announced its new in-car iPhone integration system: CarPlay.

Apparently B-flat is the alligator equivalent of Barry White. Who knew?

"Gulliver is now officially paying for my vacation to Europe this summer. SUCK IT."

Prince is taking over The Arsenio Hall Show this week.

Patton Oswalt shows us "The Indie-izer."

What if John Lennon and the cast of Stand by Me were covered in tattoos?

Here's the Godzilla trailer, in case you haven't seen it already.

This is scary! This is awesome!

SUNDAY, MARCH 2 2014 >>>

1. The Academy Awards are tonight. There's plenty of speculation about who's likely to win, along with conversation about who's worthy of the awards. Team Walkie Talkie has our money on American Hustle or 12 Years A Slave. Speaking of the golden naked dudes, there are not one but two local venues at which you can put on your Oscar Sunday best and savor the festivities with hundreds of other cineastes. The Olympia Film Society rolls out the red carpet at 4 p.m. in front of the Capitol Theater. The Grand Cinema opens its Oscars party at 5 p.m. in Tacoma's Theatre on the Square. 

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GRAB A CUP AND READ THE MORNING REPORT FOR 1.1.14 >>>

Russian President Vladimir Putin asked parliament today for permission to use the country's military in Ukraine.

Al Qaeda's leader in Afghanistan is plotting a comeback once U.S. and NATO troops leave the country.

Rep. Adam Smith, D-Wash. of the U.S. House Armed Services Committee says sequestration isn't going anywhere anytime soon.

President Barack Obama's recent statement of willingness to let Afghanistan's next president sign a critical bilateral security agreement may give hope to Afghans who feared NATO-mission troops would withdraw from the nation by Dec. 31.

Barring a last-second roadblock from Congress, the six women already assigned to Coastal Riverine Squadron 2 will become the first official female riverines in March.

The U.S. Navy is preparing to house its first squadron of MQ-4C Triton drones in Guam by the end of 2017.

Senators slammed the National Security Agency after reports that its surveillance program capture images from users' webcams.

The Army wants you to build them a laser truck.

The Air Force announced adjustments to the promotion opportunity and selective continuation process for the lieutenant colonel Line of the Air Force and colonel, lieutenant colonel, and major Line of the Air Force-JAG Central Selection Boards convening in March.

Assuming it's not an elaborate hoax, would you eat a salami made from lab-grown meat grown from tissue from the likes of Jennifer Lawrence, Kanye West, James Franco and Ellen DeGeneres?

The author of "American Psycho" writing a Manson Murders TV series directed by Rob Zombie? You can't make this stuff up.

An insanely detailed infographic of every character in True Detective.

The perfect microwave listens to popcorn so it never burns.

Finally: Lightsaber barbecue tongs.

Rumor: New Matrix Trilogy potentially in the works.

Stupid, stupid kitty

"Yes, I went to the circus once, and my daddy promised to take me again some day, if I'm good." - Becky Thatcher, to Tom Sawyer

One hundred years ago, Becky had the circus. Today, we have the multiplex.  When step inside, we're in a single-building version of Las Vegas.  We have the colorful lights, the colorful posters, the colorful treats and a mob of happy people milling nowhere and everywhere. We have a ticket in hand to another galaxy ... wait.  That's the name of the theater, isn't it? Whatever. The point is, we have two hours and there is absolutely no way for a staff sergeant to motion us over to the popcorn versus the Junior Mints.

At the Gateway 8 in Federal Way, it's $2 per ticket - about what it cost Becky Thatcher's dad for the circus.  Here are three of the rings they offer this week under the Gateway 8 Big Top.

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