STEPH DEROSA: SLOW BURN >>>

Chopsticks Noodle House
Spicy Thai Noodles
Price: $8.49
Burn Factor: Four out of four Molotov cocktails

Recent Trouble with DeRosa victim Daniel Furrer from Archibald Sisters in Olympia had given me a heads-up about the spiciness of Chopsticks Noodle House’s dishes. Thrilled, off I went.

There were three items on the menu with a picture of a cute little red chili next to the names. This was an indicator to me that the dishes were either going to burn my mouth or they were trying to subliminally convince me to dine at Chili’s Restaurants. Both were fine with me. I always did like the food at Chili’s anyway.

I ordered the Spicy Thai Noodles, which came out in a humungous bowl filled with steamy broth and laced with a red pepper lining that was visible even to Stevie Wonder. I stirred around the Thai-influenced concoction and spotted five shrimp, four pieces of calamari, fresh cabbage, thick slippery noodles, and a lime all floating within the HOTTEST FUCKING BROTH I’ve ever consumed in my entire life.

Somebody must’ve opened up a Costco-sized jar of cayenne, fed the entire thing to a test lab rat, mated the rat with a habanero pepper, taken their mutant pepper baby, lit it on fire, and THEN put it into my Spicy Thai Noodles. I’m just thankful I had plenty of Kleenex on hand for the mucus dripping out of my nose and the tears rolling out of my eyes. And for the free glass of ice water they provided me. I would’ve paid a ton of money for that water, that’s for sure.

[Chopsticks Noodle House, 119 Fifth Ave., S.W., Olympia, 360.596.9332]

JOE MALIK: BOOZE BLUES >>>

So somebody told me that I needed to follow up my rant about saving money with some actual suggestions of how to go about it. Those of you among the jobless, who are looking to keep what cash is available in your pocket, give up. Ain’t gonna happen. I’m not saying you should go shopping at the mall (for so many reasons), but be honest with yourself up front â€" you’re going to have to spend the money you have, especially if you have as little of it as I do. Start with that assumption.

Next, come up with a budget, and prioritize your expenses. Most people know what they spend most of their money on â€" rent (which shouldn’t be more than 30 percent of your monthly expenses if you can help it), food, medical, insurance, beer, weed. But it’s those untracked purchases like lattes and Little Debbie Wonder Choads that’ll get you in the end. Make a concerted effort to look at everything you spend your money on, down to small purchases. If there are categories of miscellaneous items that add up to more than $10 per month, add it to your budget, and limit yourself. Hell, stop eating Wonder Choads and save your self $50 a month.  

Now start deciding what you can or should give up. Use it as an excuse to give up an old habit â€" like eating Little Debbie snack cakes.

Next, onto the things you can’t give up, like beer and liquor.

First, buy cheap beer. Pabst Blue Ribbon and Olympia are the most affordable and palatable brews. Don’t leave comments about hating Olympia beer, ‘cause we can track where you live, and we’re militant about Oly brew. Suckas. If you’re really thirsty, and Old E 40 oz. is a cheap alternative to bottled water.

Next, buy in bulk. Going to the bar is expensive. For what you spend on a couple of martinis, you could have your own fifth of Monarch Vodka. It all depends on your purpose, I guess. If you can tear yourself from the standard slate of Tacoma drunks, why not just stay home and drink a lot more, straight from the bottle? Drinking alone is healthy. I don’t care what your shrink says. Especially if it means you don’t have to drive home.

If you absolutely must go out to drink, figure out where the specials are, hit happy hour, and stand right next to the bartender while he/she’s pouring, wink, and ask for just a little more. Sometimes it works. Also, steal other people’s drinks. It’s easier than you think. Hell, make a game of it, and just take sips from drinks that sit too long at the bar before being delivered. It’s easier than you think.

Next, if you need to, drink in your car before the game, especially if you’re planning on sitting through the whole thing, and like to drink heavily.

Also if you drink heavily, and uncontrollably, limit the amount of money you bring, and leave your credit cards at home. You can always steal drinks if you get really desperate.

Another great way to drink for free is to go to other people’s parties, and look for the tub full of Peebers. Take a few home if you need to. They won’t notice.

MICHAEL SWAN: PAPPI SWARNER’S JUKEBOX >>>

Every Friday around this time Weekly Volcano publisher Pappi Swarner locks his door and plays ‘70s pop tunes off YouTube. To each their own, except Pappi cranks his computer sending his sad existence throughout the office.

Today he’s reliving his high school years, a la Dazed and Confused, with Sammy Johns’ one-hit wonder, “Chevy Van.” As everyone in the office knows, Pappi drove a ’76 Chevy Van during high school. It had captain seats, shag carpet, a cooler, sink and a round table for quarters in the middle. He was a hit with many fathers.

Wait, I think I can make out the sound of quarters hitting his desk. So sad.

LAUREN NAPIER: BE ON THE LOOK OUT FOR UNICORNS TONIGHT >>>

The Den, located downtown in urbanXchange on Pacific Avenue in Tacoma, will be hosting the quaint sounds of Your Heart Breaks â€" guitarist and vocalist Clyde, beat maker and vocalist Karl Blau and key guru Steve Moore â€" tonight.

On MySpace, Your Heart Breaks lists their influences as “queercore & hot makeout parties … the place where unicorn and Pegasus combine into one … dancing up front at all-ages shows.” You should take a lesson and include these happenings in your own life â€" either by attending the show or by embracing the differences and majesty that exist within life, even if they aren’t as concrete as that label-funded CD you bought at the record store the other day.

Read my full column on Your Heart Break on the Weekly Volcano Web site.

[The Den@urbanXchange, with Theo Zumm, Lapuda, Whales Wailing, Saturday, April 11, 6:30 p.m., 1934 Pacific Ave., Tacoma, 253.572.2280]

NEWS TEAM: GOOD MORNING SOUTH SOUND >>>

Meet Tacoma School District Deputy Superintendent Carla Santorno

McNeil Island faces potential closure.

"President Obama, why don't you just set us on fire?"

Rachel Maddow ruthlessly mocked the GOP's new found love for teabagging.

Bailing them out: U.S. government to make 17,000 plus fuel-efficient cars from American auto manufacturers.

Co-creator of Dungeons & Dragons, Dave Arneson has died.

MICHAEL SWAN: A LOOK AT THE WEEK THAT WASN'T >>>

Every Saturday morning Matt Driscoll grabs a cup of coffee, smokes a cigarette or two, then sits in his robe in front of the computer and offers an almost entirely flippant review of the week that was.

Driscoll's column is on hiatus today as he is on a discount tour through Forks that he won as a prize in a spooning contest last April. He’ll be back next Saturday, robe and all.

In the meantime, enjoy this trailer for Everyone Poops.

JESSICA COREY-BUTLER: THE VAGINA MONOLOGUES >>>

Begun more than 10 years ago (last year was the 10th Anniversary of V-Day) as a one-woman show, The Vagina Monologues were playwright/performer/activist Eve Ensler’s pet project to raise awareness of violence against women. The result of interviews with more than 200 women, the monologues dish up more than the standard gossipy girl chat; examples include “I Was Twelve, My Mother Slapped Me” (a chorus of first-period descriptions), “My Angry Vagina” (a rant about vaginal injustices such as tampons, douches, and OB/GYN tools), “The Little Coochie Snorcher That Could” (recalling sexual healing) and “Because He Liked to Look At It (or, how a guy named Bob helped bring a woman to warm fuzzy thoughts about her genitalia.)

Of course, not all the pieces are filled with levity, and each year brings a new “spotlight” subject or area of concern. This year’s performance will be no exception to that, with the spotlight being on injustices occurring in the Democratic Republic of Congo, where rape and torture are used as weapons of war. Awareness will be raised to that area through the use of a spotlight video, and then money will go toward raising funds to build shelters that will enable women to leave their bad situations for better ones; additionally, awareness will help bolster ongoing political work toward peace efforts and aid.

For more information on tonight's staging of The Vagina Monologues, check out the Weekly Volcano Web site.

[Pantages Theater, Saturday April 11, 7 p.m., $15-$45, 901 Broadway, Tacoma, 253.591.5894]

JENNIFER JOHNSON: TEN MILES OF BAD ROAD >>>

Last fall singer and guitar player Nathan Kirby told me of his new band, Ten Miles of Bad Road. Kirby hand-picked band members saying “We’d all known each other upward of eight years before we even tried doing this â€" putting together an old ’70s country band.” Bassist Alex Hosea and brother and drummer Justin Hosea joined, bringing a punk rock element with them, and producing a sound that falls somewhere between Social Distortion and Waylon Jennings. Think Supersuckers, though Kirby stresses “They’re a lot more kitschy than we are. We do a lot of covers, re-imagining old country songs and doing originals.” Skilled and versatile guitar player Jakob Jess ties the outlaw country band together.

Ten Miles of Bad Road doesn’t over think things; they deliver a good time.

[O’Malley’s, with the Fun Police, Saturday, April 11, 9 p.m., $5, 2403 Sixth Ave., Tacoma, 253.383.3144]

MATT DRISCOLL: FLOATER MIGHT AS WELL HAVE A DRAWER AT HELL'S KITCHEN >>>

Floater may live in Portland, but it seems like the second tier (in mass popularity, anyway) grunge band is making Hell's Kitchen one of their homes away from home. And it makes sense. Tacoma, as something of a lesser known stepchild itself, is the kind of town that can surely appreciate Floater's conceptual sonic sludge. At least it sure seems that way every time the band hits town, which is happening more and more frequently thanks to a string of successful shows at Hell's Kitchen.

Tonight, ironically competing with the national touring Nirvana tribute band at Jazzbones (urp. I just threw up in my mouth typing that), Floater is back in the City of Destiny, ready again to rock the dust off those content to let their musical tastes live in yesteryear, a time before emo and indie pretension. Gawd, what a glorious time it was.

Floater, even peddling new material, would be happy to take you back.

[Hell's Kitchen, with In Lunar Blue, Vista Switch, Saturday, April 11, 9 p.m., $10, 3829 Sixth Ave., Tacoma, 253.759.6003]