REAL STORIES FROM REAL BARTENDERS >>>

I've been a bartender for a long time. I have met countless freaks, jerks, pervs, sweethearts, rockstars and crazies. Even though it's a physically and mentally exhausting job, these are the colorful people that make it all worthwhile. Well, that and the tips.

I'd like to share with you some of my personal experiences behind the bar, along with the stories from some of my fellow bartenders. Each week - under the clever heading of "Behind Bars" - I will dig into my memory bank - and the incident log books that all bars keep - to bring you some of my favorite stories.

Names of bars, bartenders and patrons have been changed or withheld to protect the innocent.

And the not so innocent.

Cheers!

This week...

DETAILS, DETAILS

Details are very important when describing a patron who has been 86'd.

Whether it's, "he has budding white-kid dreadlocks and wire rim glasses," or "the guy with a thin, creepy mustache and a bad limp," or "she kind of looks like Kathy Bates," these are the types of descriptions bartenders write in log books to let their co-workers know who the trouble makers are, and who is on the "do not serve" list.

Sometimes a drawing is also helpful, and provides a little comic relief - like in this case of an artistic bartender and his jackass patron.

"BEHIND BARS" LINK HUB

LINK: Exotic tastes

LINK: Lactose intoxicated

LINK: Thanks for playing!

LINK: After hours trivia

LINK: Bartending abroad

LINK: Oh puck!

LINK: 86'd

LINK: More Aural Adventures

LINK: Big & Rich

LINK: Tales From the Incident Log Book

LINK: The Tip Jar

LINK: Aural Adventures

LINK: Smooth Transitions

LINK: The Pooper

THINGS THAT HAPPENED THIS WEEK (AND ONE THAT HAPPENS LATER TODAY) >>>

Parking lots

Today at 3:45 p.m. Tacoma City Councilmen Ryan Mello and David Boe tell me they'll  protest the decision to build a parking garage on a vacant lot at the corner Pacific Avenue and 12^th  -- once the site of Sauro Cleanarama. The protest comes today, as a construction crew breaks ground on the filling of hole. Boe and Mello are the loudest council dissenters of the parking lot - which is being built at the request of DaVita Inc. with the help of state grants from Governor Gregoire originally intended to help keep Russell Investments in Tacoma. Boe and Mello believe the property should be developed into business or community space, and in protest will be watching from lawn chairs across the street today as construction begins, marveling at what they perceive as a poor decision and blown opportunity by Anderson and the City of Tacoma. The Volcano will run a feature with interviews of Mello and Boe Saturday.  Until then, find some good background on the protested parking lot with this story in the Trib by Lewis Kamb.

Bus service

Due to what the Save our Buses organization describes as "the out-dated way the state funds bus service," Pierce Transit (PT) has a 35% deficit it must balance. In February's special election Pierce County voters had a chance to approve a small increase in sales tax to nullify PT's budget deficit but overwhelmingly rejected it. Now PT is considering 30-39 percent cuts to its top three bus routes, the #1, #2, and #3, which collectively carry 60 percent of PT's ridership. Monday (April, 11) Pierce Transit will hold hearings all over the county on the possible cuts. The most notable, and perhaps the only one worth the time of attending (as it's the only one PT's Board of Directors will attend), is at PT's Lakewood headquarters from 4-6 p.m. 

Poll voting

This week Pierce County became less unique, and in the eyes of many local voters took an "L" at the hands of state government. A couple months ago the Volcano asked a few local politicos what they thought about poll voting, and all were in favor of keeping the polls open in Pierce County. Up until Tuesday Pierce County had been the only county in the state to still offer poll voting, but with the Gov's singing of the recently-passed Senate Bill 5124 Washington will move to an exclusive vote-by-mail system - meaning Pierce County will be forced to vote only by mail like everyone else.

Lindquist money

"Man, imagine making Lindquist money!" mused Tacoma political cartoonist RR Anderson this week on Twitter after reading the News Tribune's report on the top 25 highest paid Pierce County employees.

Miguel Balderrama, Medical director at Pierce County Jail, clocked in first, collecting a solid $184,406 per year. County Executive Pat McCarthy was second, making a decent $173,579. Pierce County Prosecutor Mark Lindquist came in seventh, making $148,425.

In response to Anderson's tweet: no, I really can't.

ACCESS SOUTH SOUND DRINK SPECIALS IN THE PALM OF YOUR HAND >>>

The Weekly Volcano Happy Hour App has up-to-date listings of happy-hour offerings from bars, clubs, taverns and restaurants from Tumwater to Federal Way, from Gig Harbor to Bonney Lake. As of now, some 160 happy hours are listed - with more being added on a constant basis.

Your smart phone tells the app where you are, you specify any special happy-hour needs you might have, and - voilà - you've got a detailed list of every happy hour around, including specials and when that happy hour ends. The list is sorted by distance from your current location, and you can turn your phone sideways for a Google map of the nearest picks. Can't decide which one to try? Give the phone a good shake and the app will randomly select a happy hour for you.

The Weekly Volcano Happy Hour app is available for iPhone, Android and Blackberry. And no matter what platform you use, it's free - so you can save your money for that last half-price margarita or two-for-one beer special of the night.

The Happy Hour section at weeklyvolcano.com has been redesigned to carry the same information as the phone app.

More good news: Because the Weekly Volcano has partnered with GoTime.com, our happy hour app doesn't only work in the South Sound; it also works in 160 other cities around the country.

LINK: Download the app to your phone

LINK: Our new nifty happy hour section

LINK: Scenes from the App Launch Party

Here's something to watch

Months and months of rain. Bad traffic. A high suicide rate. The not-so-subtle odor of pulp hanging in the air. With all of this, is it much of a surprise that Tacoma spawns some damn fine blues? "Some of the best blues artists in the country come from the Pacific Northwest," says Gary Grape, president of the South Sound Blues Association. "We hope to show some of them to the people of Tacoma." Show they shall. On Saturday, the fourth annual Gray Sky Blues Music Festival graces downtown Tacoma. The festival features over a dozen different acts playing at multiple venues. Attendees can grab a beer at one club and eat a sandwich another, all while listening to some of the best blues around. "The festival is great music in good local clubs," says Grape. "It's a win-win."

To read Cihon's full article, click here.

[Downtown Tacoma: The Swiss, Harmon Brewery, Cutters Pointe Coffee, afterparty at Stonegate Pizza, noon to 7:30 p.m. downtown, 8 p.m. to midnight at Stonegate, prices vary, full schedule at southsoundblues.com]

ONLINE CHATTER >>>
Today's comment comes from filthysavage in regard to our recent Meat Market trip inside the R & R Live in Graham.

Filthysavage writes,

This place has been cleaned up so much. It is an unfortunate location for such a huge bar. But it's still AWESOME. Too bad it was slow, Graham is a really awesome place for people-watching, especially if they are compelled to sing.

SATURDAY, APRIL 9, 2011 >>>

1. The second annual Cannon Ball Tricycle Downhill will go down - way down - starting at Doyle's Public House when all of T-town's weirdoes to hop on bikes, trikes and customs of all kinds and cruise down the hill to Dorky's Bar Arcade in truly bizarre and entertaining fashion. The pre-race zaniness begins at Doyle's with food and drinks around 11:30 a.m. According to the 1,000 posts on our Facebook, the racers will race to Dorky's where 1 Wish Band and the Big Wheel Stunt Show will rock everyone's faces off. Good times.

2. The Gray Sky Blues Music Festival kicks off with the Harmon Brewery's Second Annual Rod and Custom Car Show at 9 a.m. At noon, the music takes center stage. The Swiss, the Harmon Brewery and Cutter's Point Coffee will host blues acts throughout the day. Pacific Northwest bands like the Randy Oxford Band and Maia Santell and House Blend play mid-day. National recording artists Bob Corritore and Dave Riley headline. For those looking for a cool down, try the After Festival Party at South Tacoma's Stonegate Pizza around 8 p.m.

3. Lord of the Public Relations for the Tacoma Public Library Universe David Domkoski will lead a film discussion immediately following the 2:45 p.m. screening of Jane Eyre at The Grand Cinema. Here's a topic: Why do Jane Eyre's publicity photos suck so bad.

4. Those who graze in Metropolitan Market's cheese section will have their free-loading worlds rocked from noon to 6 p.m. as hundreds will converge on the Queen of the Proctor District for a demonstration on how to prepare roasted leg of lamb with Columbia Crest Horse Haven Hills Merlot cherry sauce AND the coveted Kurobuta Ham.  

5. In conjunction with the current Rockwell exhibition, and a slew of other Rockwell-related events throughout the duration of its stay, the Tacoma Art Museum will host the appropriately titled "Saturday Evening Sock Hop" - billed as a chance to "rock around the clock." Of course, the fine print indicates it's more like 5:30-8:30 p.m., but the Rockwell-inspired snacks, refreshments and cocktails available for purchase should totally make up for it.

LINK: More arts and entertainment events in the South South

LINK: Wine tastings yo!

THREE QUESTIONS WITH BOBBLE TIKI >>>

Here at the Weekly Volcano we have many friends - friends in high places; friends in low places; friends with no name; and friends of the devil. We get around ... when it comes to making friends, that is.

One of our bestest friends in the whole, wide world has always been Dick Rossetti, he of Twink the Wonder Kid fame... not to mention Squirt and Guns ‘n' Rossetti notoriety. Of course, Rossetti, on a mainstream level, probably gained the most attention as a DJ on 107.7 FM The End ... back when anyone actually listened to shit like that. It was a different time. And Dick Rossetti is a different dude.

Oh, Tacoma, but you know Dick Rossetti as well as Bobble Tiki does. He's snuggly with Girl Trouble, tight bros since way back with local filmmaker Isaac Olsen and has gone tit-for-tat with Tacoma's own Cody Foster more times than most. As far as guys from Renton go, Rossetti is, like, such a Tacoman.

Tonight, Rossetti brings Twink the Wonder Kid back to town for a show at the Acme Grub Cage, plugging in with CFA and Plastards.

To read Bobble Tiki's full interview with Rossetti, click here.

[The Acme Grub Cage, CFA, Twink the Wonder Kid, Plastards, Saturday, April 9, 9 p.m., $5, 1310 Tacoma Ave. S, Tacoma, 253.272.1892]

PASS THE FIST, YO >>>

It's 2004, the apex of the Bush years. Greg Mudarri, Noah Wolf, Eric Gosselin and Dave Paige are unwinding in a Beantown basement after logging another practice session as Formosa. Mudarri, a gifted sculptor and origami artist, finds a wad of Play-Doh and forms it into a clenched fist.

"Noah thought that making something hard and aggressive out of something soft and innocent was an interesting idea," Mudarri recalls.

The four musicians - who had just elected to self-release an EP of wild, progressive violin punk - suddenly had a punny name for their self-started label: Pass the Fist.

But that Formosa EP never actually saw the light of day. As Wolf puts it, the band played "one chaotic, semi-disaster equipment malfunction of a show" and dissolved shortly thereafter. Mudarri moved to Tokyo, and Wolf, Gosselin and Paige relocated to Los Angeles and formed Wreck of the Zephyr, a band inspired by '90s alt-punk greats and named after a 1983 children's book by Chris Van Allsburg.

Wreck of the Zephyr will play Le Voyeur in Olympia Saturday.

To read Jason Baxter's full article, click here.

LIFE SUCKS THEN YOU DIE ... PLUS SOMETIMES YOUR CEREAL DOESN'T COME WITH A TOY >>>

Let's talk about the Olympia Family Theater production of Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day. It's cute. Now, sometimes, when we say something is cute - a Reese Witherspoon rom-com, for example - we mean it's inoffensive and a few steps down the road toward being funny. Not so with Alexander. When I say this production is cute, what I mean is it'll make both adults and children smile. I mean it entertains and delights with unexpected creative touches, and it's worth your money, and it gets folks excited about theater. Win, win, win.

To read Christian Carvajal's full review, click here.

[Olympia Family Theater, Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day, through April 17, Thursday-Saturday 7 p.m., Sunday 2 p.m., $8.50-$15.50, 512 Washington St. SE, Olympia, 360.753.8586]

THE OFFENSE IS BACK (AFTER ONE BAD GAME) >>>

The Rainiers lost their Thursday season opener in Sacramento, but won last night's game 3-1. If I know manager Daren Brown- and I definitely don't- he slept a little easier after the Rainiers got sweet revenge. 

Quick Notes on the Game

-We finally figured out MiLB.tv, so we got to watch the game live! Production wise,  televised minor league games don't hold a candle to the Major League games. But this makes the games more fun to watch. There are lingering shots of the umps drinking water, low-budget commercials and more shots of fan antics. At one point, the television cameras turned to a group of middle school boys showing off their bare chests. Instead of turning away, the cameras lingered for half a minute. Now that's good TV.

-Blake Beaven is all leg. At 6'7", he is definitely a formidable opponent up on the mound. He pitched himself into some pretty tight spots, but seemed to scrape by.

-Relief Pitcher Cesar Jimenez pitched 1.2 innings of hitless relief. He also had three strikeouts. Promising stuff coming from the Rainiers' bullpen. 

-The Rainiers looked much stronger at the plate. Carlos Peguero was 3-for-4,  Dustin Ackley had a pair of hits and Matt Tuiasosopo hit a triple. So much for the Rainiers looking like the 2010 Mariners. Instead, they look more like the 2010 Rainiers.

The Rainiers will try to capture the series tonight in Sacramento at 7:05 p.m. It will be the Rainiers' Chris Seddon facing off against the River Cats' Yadel Marti. After last night's game, the Rainier's have to be liking their chances.

Oh, we nearly forgot.  At 12:30 p.m. today, girl and boy scouts from all over Tacoma will head to Cheney Stadium. Their mission: flush all of the toilets in unison in order to test the plumbing.

Here is a selection from one of the most Volcanoesque press releases we have ever received.

Approximately 50 local scouts and their families will arrive at Cheney at noon on Saturday.  Scouts will take their positions and be ready to flush at 12:30 pm sharp.  Once the facilities have been tested and functionality is confirmed, scouts and their families will receive a complimentary hot dog and soda. 

Making sure the toilets work is important, important work. God speed, little scouts.