HOLIDAYS
Christmas Revels
Nothing says “the holidays are here” like a romping, roaring evening of pagan-inspired celebration. A seasonal tradition since 1992, the Christmas Revels returns to the Rialto Theater with performances of music, dance, and other entertainment in honor of the original Christmas, the winter solstice. This year, the Puget Sound Revels go Eastern Europe with a retelling of the Russian folk tale, “The Fool of the World and the Flying Ship,” through music, song and dance. Added bonus: Portland’s sultry European Gypsy troupe Vagabond Opera and the Seattle Brass Ensemble will be in the house. Normal audience and performer roles may blur at the Revels, so make sure to bring your best voice. â€" Suzy Stump

[Rialto Theater, 1 and 5:30 p.m., $9-$25.50, 310 S. Ninth St., Tacoma, 253. 591. 5894]

JAZZ
Maia Santell and House Blend
Maia Santell and House Blend perform their traditional holiday jazz and blues show at Jazzbones tonight. They play an upbeat brand of R&B with a little jump blues and big band jazz thrown in for a party second to none. Santell has been called the Northwest’s queen of swing for her high-energy shows and boisterous vocals. Yet, unlike so many female singers, she is not a screamer but rather possesses exceptional vocal control that is rich and warm. â€" Tony Engelhart

[Jazzbones, with Beth McBride, 7-11 p.m., all ages, $8-$10, 2803 Sixth Ave., Tacoma, 253.369.9169]

ROCK
Steve E Nix and the Cute Lepers
If Steve E Nix sounds familiar, it’s not because your closet Fleetwood Mac fetish is rearing its ugly head. Nix isn’t that Nicks, he’s a dude, for one, and a key member of the successful Northwest pop/punk band the Briefs. If you know anything about the Briefs, you know any band Nix plays a part in is destined to be entertaining. With one record “in the can,” Steve E Nix and the Cute Lepers, while relatively new to the scene, are quickly becoming a force to reckon with. â€" Matt Driscoll

[Hell’s Kitchen, 5 p.m., all ages, $7, 3829 Sixth Ave., Tacoma, 253.759.6003]

MORE MUSIC: In the clubs tonight.

Harder than Pappi Swarner hits the slopes of Whistler or harder than Ike ever pistol-whipped Tina, Tacoma’s first ever Santarchy celebration bitch-slapped Tacoma Friday night. Festivities got under way at the Swiss around 6 p.m., and judging by the way things started, the bowl-full-of-jelly fun only escalated from there.

Santarchy, as I learned thanks to a very informative article in this week’s Weekly Volcano by Robert Dobbs, is a celebration rooted around miscreants in Kris Kringle suits consuming copious amounts of booze. Santarchy began in San Francisco nearly 20 years ago, and has since invaded towns and cities across our great country. In fact, Dobbs referred to Santarchy as a “pan-continental holiday,” so Mexico and Canada may well be involved now too.

I arrived at the Swiss at 6 p.m. sharp, when the event was scheduled to start, ordered a vodka and cran and tried to locate myself close to the action. The problem was there was no action to be had, at least in the beginning. There were a mere three Santas in attendance, and for all I knew they were either just getting off of work at the mall or on their way there. Very few signs of Santarchy were visible.

I stepped outside for a cigarette hoping things would improve. It was from outside I saw my first carload of Santas arrive. The Santas in question came in a white, ’90s Mazda with at least 175,000 miles on it. They emerged sporting cockeyed beards and cigarettes. A few of the Santas repositioned their guts.

Back inside, the number of Santas had seemingly quadrupled. What had been three or four Santas was now 15 or 20. A reindeer and an elf were now in the mix too. Close to the stage, in a strangely intimidating pack, the Santas began to mingle and drink. An Elvis Santa greeted a disco Santa, and so on.

It was then that Santa Mercenary approached, and offered me a Hershey Kiss. I gladly accepted. Who the hell is Santa Mercenary, you ask?

A mix between Santa and a female pirate.

Duh.

As six o’clock grew into seven, the drinking only intensified.

“Where does one find a Santa suit?” I posed to a group of particularly festive Santas.

“It’s pretty fucking hard, man. Let me tell you,” said one of them, his suit only slightly better than the Santa wearing red trash bags.

“The party store! Fifteen bucks, dude!” interjected another, obviously more of a professional.

I moved on, and found a loner Santa drinking with a purpose. I learned the group would soon be leaving, heading to the next stop on their yuletide bar crawl, 21 Commerce. I tried to picture all these Santas with martinis. It wasn’t easy.

Time was running out. I knew the Santas would soon be gone, and I had yet to find the “Head Santa.” The Head Santa was in charge, or so I had been told. Without talking to Head Santa I had nothing. Luckily, she found me. After confirming the group would, in fact, soon be off to 21 Commerce for their second stop, I asked what the meaning of all this madness was. Was it to protest Christmas? Was it to spread holiday cheer? Was it to celebrate the birth of teeny tiny baby Jesus?

“It’s just about a bunch of Santas getting drunk! That’s it! There’s no catch!”

And so it seemed.

I pulled back to a stool away from the stage and realized Santas now dominated the entire second room of the Swiss. One leaned against the wall next to me.

“So, how many beers does it take to get Santa loaded?” I asked

“Right now, four.”

“But it’s early,” I pointed out.

“And it’s going to get late!”

With that, the cheer began. “Ho Ho Ho, Santa’s got to go. Ho Ho Ho, Santa’s got to go.”

I watched the mob of red suited alcoholics file through the door. As fast as they’d appeared, they were gone. What happened at 21 Commerce, or anywhere else along the way, I can only speculate. However, it’s safe to assume that at least one Santa is throwing up tonight, a couple Santas are getting laid, and more Santas than you can shake a stick at will wake up tomorrow with a nasty hangover. For now, Santarchy ’07 is in the books. â€" Matt Driscoll

Photography By Kelly Driscoll

HOLIDAYS
Christmas Revels
Nothing says “the holidays are here” like a romping, roaring evening of pagan-inspired celebration. A seasonal tradition since 1992, the Christmas Revels returns to the Rialto Theater with performances of music, dance, and other entertainment in honor of the original Christmas, the winter solstice. This year, the Puget Sound Revels go Eastern Europe with a retelling of the Russian folk tale, “The Fool of the World and the Flying Ship,” through music, song and dance. Added bonus: Portland’s sultry European Gypsy troupe Vagabond Opera and the Seattle Brass Ensemble will be in the house. Normal audience and performer roles may blur at the Revels, so make sure to bring your best voice. â€" Suzy Stump

[Rialto Theater, 2 and 7:30 p.m., $9-$25.50, 310 S. Ninth St., Tacoma, 253. 591. 5894]

JAZZ
Rich Wetzel’s Groovin’ Higher Jazz Orchestra
Wetzel and his Groovin’ Higher Jazz Orchestra bring their annual jazzy holiday to Jazzbones. The evening will include swinging renditions of Christmas classics arranged by Los Angeles’s Tom Kubis, who has written music for many Disney productions. In addition, special guest soloists from the Tacoma Community College jazz choir will add an extra boost to the already jumpin’ sounds of Wetzel’s big band. Singer Carol Kapel will provide holiday cheer as she sits in for a couple of festive numbers. Reservations are strongly recommended. â€" Tony Engelhart

[Jazzbones, 5-7 p.m., all ages, $10, 2803 Sixth Ave., Tacoma, 253.396.9169]

HILLBILLY STOMP
Hillstomp
These Oregonians slot themselves as punk/blues/bluegrass on their MySpace page â€" an interesting combination to say the least. While Hillstomp might have shades of bluegrass and punk intermingled with the blues, I’d categorize them as “hillbilly stomp” as the duos’ sound is closer to the likes of RL Burnside or T-Model Ford with a bevy of acoustic slide guitar work over amplified mikes and homemade percussion. â€" TE

[4th Ave Tavern, with Brackish Water Band, 8 p.m., 210 E. Fourth Ave., Olympia, 360.786.1444]

MORE MUSIC: In the clubs tonight.

They didn't want me there, but I showed up anyway.  I have no class.  I will crash any party and not look back.

Swarner Communications had their annual Christmas party at Ruby Collection this year.  For those of you who live under a rock, they are the ones who sign my paycheck. They are the ones I had the Italian mafia talk to in order to get me this space in the Spew. (By the way, Pappi Swarner should be regaining his eyesight within the next month, and he thanks everyone for all the nice get well soon cards.)

The food was great, the wine and beer were flowing, and everyone looked gorgeous.  Especially Carmen Jones.  You guys all recognize the name, I'm sure.  She's the ultimate Tacoma socialite, so of course she HAD to be there.  Sheââ?¬â?¢d never miss a party.  Apparently she couldn't decide on which of the many, many guys at her heels to take to the Christmas party, because she showed up with Syd Vicious, a chick.  This is the part where it turns scary.  Put the kids to bed before you continue reading.

There was a gift exchange.  You know the kind.  Bring a gift, draw a number, pick a gift, it gets to be taken three times, people try and give away their ugly gifts, others hide the good gifts, you know the drill.  In some parts of Tacoma (the DeRosa parts), fights break out, people are shot, and ultimately jail time is spent.  Then there's Syd Vicious, Carmen's date.She beautiful, she's powerful, and she has the eyes of the devil.  The entire evening leading up the incident was an effin blast.  We had the crew huddled around a cocktail table.  Me, Mojitomamma (Jessica Corey-Butler), Carmen, KAke, and Syd.  We were laughing, hugging, and the world was our oyster.  Syd had her eyes on a beautiful black purse that Angela Jossy had brought, yet Allison Swarner had her hands on it.  Let me warn you, Allison is married to the nice Swarner brother, Ken.  (Not Pappi Swarner.)

The fact that it was the boss's wife who held the immaculate purse Syd wanted had no effect on her.  She didn't care.  She took the purse from Allison.  It was down to one more take.  My turn was coming. At this point in the evening is when the horns came out of Syd's head, her eyes caught fire, and I was given my options:

1. Take the purse from Allison, and Syd would pay for my next two Tacoma Beer Society fees. ($10 each)
2. Die.

Now, usually I am one tough bitch, but I got a little scared. Syd Vicious had some high heel boots on that would leave a scar on my forehead for the rest of my life.  I took the purse.  I had the final, third take.I got the glare from Allison Swarner.  Ken then announced the end of any future Spew Toilet Tales.  Pappi Swarner threw his green bean casserole in my face and called me a loser.  I was done.

And all because of Carmen and her sidekick, Syd.

But just like the Grinch that stole Christmas, I had a revelation.  (Actually KAke walked up to me and whispered in my ear.)   I won't tell you what our grand plan is, but I will tell you that Syd is not getting the purse.   I am going to keep the purse, and show it a good time before I retire it to a comfortable home.  So from here on out, the purse will be highlighted in my Toilet Tales pictures. 

Oh, and some pictures of the bathrooms in Ruby Collection.  The pictures do not do it justice; you absolutely MUST see the detail.  Best bathrooms by far to date.

Until next week¬" Steph DeRosa

When we were first introduced to Northwest singer/songwriter Michael ONeill we heard a stunning resemblance to Nelson, Cash and Kristofferson as he too has the ability to transform stories into songs with deep conviction and stunningly tender compassion.  ONeill is a well schooled musician with a lot of history who spent 10 years touring with the likes of Stevie Ray Vaughan and collaborating with Bob Weir of the Grateful Dead and famed Booker T. and The MG’s guitarist Steve Cropper. 

ONeill has written a Christmas song with his friend Jimmy Baldwin titled "Beer Can Christmas Tree." It's hilarious.  ONeill encourages everyone to send him a snapshot of your beer can Christmas tree. â€" Brad Allen

Malls, schmalls. Below you will find what we, your cherished Spew scribes, have on our holiday alternative shopping lists today. We've also included handy links to help you find your way. President Bush says shopping keeps us free, so who are we (or you?) to argue?

Holiday Trunk Sale
We love the holidays, but let’s face it: shopping at this time of year can suck. Snagging your nails in a catfight over a cashmere scarf, ruining your skin in the moisture-sucking mall air, and growing monster knots of tension just to cross each gift off your list makes for a stressful season. Enter Tempest Lounge, whose Holiday Trunk Show Saturday is a much-needed respite from the insanity. Seven local artists â€" Laura Towse, Jennevieve Schlemmer, Sara Woodward, Pam Sprowl, Kimberly Kay, Michelle Douglas, Brit-Simone Sutter and Marty Kneeland from Vinosus â€" offer their creations for holidays gifts (and get to keep 100 percent of their sales). Booze will be flowing so no kiddies. â€" Suzy Stump

[Tempest Lounge, Saturday, Dec. 8, 2-6 p.m., 913 Martin Luther King Jr. Way, Tacoma, 253.272.4904]

Holiday Glass Sale
There should be a connection here. Christmas, Christmas ornaments, glass, glassblowing. ... There really should be a connection here. Hhhmm. ... Hilltop Artists in Residence Tacoma hosts its annual Holiday Glass Sale Saturday (Christmas, creating healthy spirit for youth, glass?). Beginning at 7 a.m. the public picks numbered tickets for order of admittance (gifts early in the morning ... like Christmas?). But this sale is one day only, sooo. ... Come grab your new Christmas ornament or piece of art, or Christmas shop, if you just get inspired enough. There we go. Connection. â€" SS

[Jason Lee Middle School, Saturday, Dec. 8, 7 a.m. ticket distribution, 9 a.m. to noon sale, 602 N. Sprague, Tacoma, 571.7670]

Holiday alternative
Take one look around and you’ll see that most South Sounders go plumb crazy buying the latest fancy doodads and electronic gadgets as presents for their loved ones. Perhaps the question has crossed your mind: Can’t my family find a more meaningful way to celebrate Christmas?

Leave it to the fine folks at the Alternative Gift Fair to come up with a solution. The Alternative Gift Fair offers shoppers the chance to buy a gift in someone’s name from organizations that help train the homeless, help protect the environment, build homes for families and feed the hungry.

So do something truly good for others this Christmas season and visit the 20 organizations at The Olympia Center Saturday. â€" Michael Swan

[The Olympia Center, Saturday, Dec. 8, 10 a.m. to 3 p.m., 222 Columbia St. N.W., Olympia, 360.754.5397]

Gift shops are traditionally those places where you can find that sweet little trinket for Aunt Tilly, the place where you can find that floral thank-you card set or that perfect Chintz teacup that you just know will make her gush with joy.

Three South Sound gift shops have those sweet trinket items and much more. Drees in Olympia, Watermark in downtown Tacoma, and Cake in University Place all present any number of exquisite items for your dear auntie, but they also have things to make even the youngest, hippest recipients squeal.

Drees offers Olympia’s shoppers of distinction a wide range of items, from large custom furniture pieces to the daintiest of triple milled soaps in dog shapes.  Among other bath and body items at Drees are L’Occitane brand soaps and creams. The 20 percent shea butter hand cream is probably my favorite item when the winter weather makes my hands rough.  Drees also carries personal items such as scarves and purses, household goods for the well-stocked kitchen, and even children’s items, from books to pewter first-lock holders to Steiff stuffed animals.

Quality paper goods such as Crane & Co card sets are also available as well as a wide selection of handmade, one of a kind cards.  One favorite of mine, the hand water-colored avocado card with certificate of authenticity, sat beside a set of cards that looked like ’50s-era wallpapers. These are the sorts of things I love to give â€" and get â€" when the world seems to consist of e-mails, junk mail, and bills.

For this same reason, make a shopping stop at Tacoma’s Watermark. A personal favorite of mine is the custom stationery selection.  Here you can get invitations, announcements, and even customized writing paper like your Aunt Tilly used to send you letters on â€" until she started e-mailing you, that is.

Resumé kits, etiquette books, calendars, planners, notebooks, journals, and other useful paper items sit in the displays at Watermark as well as sparkling handmade jewelry, bath and body items, and serving and décor items for entertaining.

An intriguing line that melds two of my favorite things â€" cooking and scents â€" is the Cucina line, featuring scents such as coriander and olive tree, ginger and Sicilian lemon, and basil and tomato.  With this line, cooks can get a more pleasant-smelling space, softer hands, and cleaner dishes without the war of the scents that can happen when a garlic pesto meets up against a gardenia candle.
Fun stuff for those who don’t like to cook â€" and enjoy laughing about it â€" can be found at Watermark too. Its selection of Anne Taintor products is about the largest (and funniest) that I’ve seen in the South Sound.

Laughter is also emphasized in University Place at Cake with an eclectic selection of humorous gift books and other whimsical printed items such as wallets and cards. But Cake also offers up serious shopping with its Anthropologie-like boutique styling and products ranging from design and décor items for the home, high-quality body products, and seriously hip clothing. Antique furniture mixes with up-to-the-minute clothing lines such as Joe’s Jeans and Seven for all Mankind, just as sculptured vases seen last week in Elle Décor sit next to knobs and hardware that could have been at home on Aunt Tilly’s mahogany sideboard. 

The only problem I had while doing my gift shopping at these three shops was that I didn’t want to give items â€" I wanted to keep them.

Who’s the wise guy that said it’s better to give than receive, anyway? â€" Jessica Corey-Butler

[Dree’s 524 Washington St. S.E., Olympia, 360.357.7177]
[Watermark Gifts 1115 A St., Tacoma, 253.383.2041]
[Cake 3838 Bridgeport Way W., University Place, 253.564.2253]

Just walked in from the downtown Tacoma tree lighting and a mess load of Puget Sound Pizza. I almost missed the lighting.

Did someone flip on the switch early?

As I was strolling toward the Pantages for a liittle holiday music â€" bam!  The tree lit up. The crowd dispersed.  All that was left standing were a few bloggers. 

On a brighter note, Santa set up shop inside Moroccan Treasures across the street.  Families lined up between exotic floor lighting to chat with old Saint Nick. ZIt was magical.

Overall, the event was fast, windy, but wonderful. â€" Michael Swan