WEEKLY ADVICE ABOUT PET PEEVES & TRIVIAL MATTERS>>>

Hey. I'm writing this at 2:36 a.m. listening to Wilco. So anyway, that's what's up with me.

Jennifer Jason Leigh and Noah Baumbach are getting a divorce. This really bums me out. I know I shouldn't care about celebrity relationships, but I like both of them a lot and I thought they were going to last. Can any relationship last? Or do they all have life-spans and expiration dates? Is there a time we can expect to divorce our wives and friends and cities and everybody we know? Does that just happen sometimes?

I'd be up for some questions.

***

When does it stop?

---Everything

It doesn't. You just keep going at it and hopefully you get some happy good moments.

Who am I kidding? You guys aren't here to listen to me sulk and wax this or that. You're here for an adventure story. Sure, I've got one up my sleeve, but it's going to cost you - your attention, that is! Please pay attention to me.

THE TRADE WINDS blew us way off-course. We thought we ended up in the Canary Islands due to all the islands everywhere, but we weren't sure. Basically we were lost.

"Starboard aft forward jig up," Captain Swarthmore yelled at us, but no one budged. We were already on vacation-time at that point. I was sipping a virgin colada; the real men had real virgins everywhere. We were already low on food before the girls appeared and started eating all the good stuff. But what were you going to say? Pirateman's Rules, Section 4c.

A mischievous turtle winked at me. My straw dropped to the sand. "That's the last time, asshole." I reached down to school him but he scurried away. In his place was a big X.

"Hey fellas, I think this X marks the spot!" No one cared about what I said anymore. No one gives a short guy the time of day on a ship of clocks. "Piss off. I'm busy making sure the clock ship doesn't sink." Yeah, right. Clocks are made out of light, hollow wood. They don't need maintenance.

The X just ended up being an extreme turtle. In all fairness, though, I clinically cannot distinguish between fantasy and reality, so the virgin colada might have been a non-alcoholic beer or something.

END OF MY STORY

***

My brother and I share a bathroom. I love him to bits, but he never uses a towel to dry his feet and lower legs. When I come in after he's taken a shower there are pools of water everywhere. Either I'm wiping up his water or I forget to look and - whoops! - I've got a wet sock. I've brought it up before, but he shrugs it off and continues. What should I do? It's driving me up the wall!

---Dry Clean

It's 6:28 p.m. now, and Spoon is playing. I feel a lot better! Sorry for getting so down earlier.

OK, DC, I'll fix your problem. Watch a wizard perform his magic tricks of the trade. You're going to need to lay a hand on your brother.

Beating tends to get a bad rap nowadays. Parents are not supposed to hit their children, yet children are still required to hit their parents. That's what the critics say. You know what I say to the critics? "I'm going to beat you up, loser. Shut up or I'll beat you up at your workplace in front of your friends! They will not be your friends anymore!"

Think of it as survival of the fittest. If you can break a guy's nose with your fingers then people are going to think you're really fit. So we're on the same page: fit = attractive = ladies = jets = real rum coladas = x2 ladies (virgies).

It's a Monday morning and your brother is late for school, ‘cause like whatever. Maybe he always sleeps through his alarm clock and the ‘rents have to wake him up. Maybe they get constantly annoyed so much doing this that they form a low-level bias against every action Brother does, good or bad. He gets skewed as irresponsible and lazy in the house, the neighbor's houses, the whole village. Brother loses job opportunities and he must stay home forever. The shtick supplants the personality. Let's cut the shit---parents suck.

Brother walks into the bathroom, closes the door. Whisks off his nightie. He draws the shower curtain open to turn on the water. But instead of water out come...hands! Your hands! You scare him silly and then he never takes showers again. Dry floors, here we come! The trauma will not be isolated. Brother will be equally uncomfortable around hands and shower curtains.

Then you beat him up for being crazy! If it wasn't clear, you're hiding in the shower. Ahh!!!!

Let me know if that works, DC. If not, I will beat you up tomorrow night at night school.

"Hey, what's up next?" "I think it's the Parade of the Painted Elephants Column." "Awesome dude thanks."

Please direct questions to: askpettyquestions@gmail.com

POTHOLES ARE ON HIS AGENDA >>>

Earlier this week the Volcano published and interview with Tacoma City Councilmember Ryan Mellow conducted by our own Zach Powers. From the Spaceworks Tacoma to the need to get away from auto-centric city planning, Mello covered a lot of ground.

Here's a little bit more from Mello that we saved for a special occasion, as well as a link below to the full interview.

WEEKLY VOLCANO: What will you personally be focused on in 2011? 

RYAN MELLO:One thing I'll be working hard on in 2011 is recruiting some clean energy and clean water technology businesses to be leveraged off of Urban Waters. [The Center for Urban Waters is a brand new 51,000 square-foot office and laboratory building, completed in spring 2010, that houses Tacoma's Environmental Services analytical labs and engineering offices, University of Washington Tacoma research labs, and offices for the Puget Sound Partnership.] I'll be working to recruit businesses to make sure we have the right people and systems in place so that when a business wants to locate and be leveraged off of this investment they know where to go and they can quickly come to market. I think it's important to work on creating jobs with a focus on clean energy and clean technology.

I'll also be working on the discount rates for Tacoma Public Utilities. For the poorest of the poor in our community, as well as the people on the edge, we can't keep having these huge escalations in utility rates. We have folks who absolutely cannot afford it. We have to figure out a discount strategy that allows those folks, who literally have been choosing between heating their home or buying their prescription medication for their blood pressure, or heating their home or paying their mortgage bill, to not have to choose. It's unconscionable to not.

I'll also be working on full implementation of the climate plan, which means full implementation of the Urban Forest Program and more implementation of the Mobility Master Plan. I'll also be continuing to look at our infrastructure. I talk to folks all the time about how horrible our roads are, so I think we need to talk to the community about a possible package on the ballot. Find out if people will invest if they see something in return, to fix the residential roads and the quality of the infrastructure in our neighborhoods and in our business districts.  

LINK: Read the full interview here.

BANDITO BETTY LOU WHO LEAP OF THE DAY >>>

"Attention Tani, Scott, Katie and the rest of the staff at the Tacoma Center YMCA! I'm the mutha elfing Foursquare Holiday Mayor of your indoor pool, cardio theater machines, that one rowing machine next to the track upstairs, the little square workout towels and all your other stuff now!" screamed Bandito Betty Lou Who – our very happy friend who leaps for us on Spew. "By the way, I want you to replace all the white workout equipment behind me with black ones immediately or you'll see nothing but ... THIS all day!"

Read more...

SUNDAY, DEC. 19 >>>

1. Tonight at Northern, Mount Eerie will perform alongside the Hive Dwellers. The show is intended to help raise money for Northern, now nearing its second year of operation. Support an awesome cause; see awesome bands. It's a win - win.

2. Jazz artist Michael Powers plays the Marine View Church tonight at 5 p.m. It's free, and there is no cover.

3. Anniversary at the Broho in Olympia, y'all! Western Hymn, Morgan and Organ Donor provide the tunes.

4. Today would be an awesome day to check out Mighty Tacoma: Photographic Portrait 2010 at the Tacoma Art Museum. Billed as an "interactive celebration and creative exercise in commemoration of Tacoma Art Museum's 75th Anniversary," the show features digital portraits by Tacoma-based artists projected in the gallery and posted on the museum website. The show also includes a photographic survey of the city's neighborhoods, families at the museum, community groups and businesses. And visitors can add their own pictures to the website using Flickr, Facebook and other Internet networks.

5. The moths are on to something. Lights are awesome. Especially holiday lights. Make today the day you check out Zoolights or Fantasy Lights - both South Sound institutions.

Dear Brotherhood,

We are writing this letter to express our deepest, undying love for you. Your beauty is untouchable, your red walls and thoughtful lighting softens even the hardest of faces and hearts.  We love the instant feeling of comfort and security as we walk in your front door. It's like a giant hug.

Your decor is inspiring. If you let us, we would bury our faces in your fabric wall hangings, almost smelling John Kennedy's beautiful mousy brown hair and feeling the kick of wind as another matador begins battle.

Your bar is long and curves in just the right spots, a beautiful stage for your bartenders to perform. Creating, debating and mediating are their specialties. Inspired by us locals, the bartenders love us and their job, and you can see it in every shake, smile and stir.

We love your vintage charm, with strategically placed antique lamps, kung-fu tapestries and giant guitars hanging over our smitten heads.

We especially love your Billy D. Williams Colt 45 "Works every time" advertisement.

Your pool table is cheap, the pinball fun, and you are the only one around with a long, sleek shuffleboard table, where we can sling red and green pucks in acts of feverous ambition.

Oh, and sweet Broho, your patio is to die for. Where else can we debate, for hours on end, the consequential subtleties of tea parties and dance parties alike? Where else can we have the comfort of propane warmth in the winter and fresh air in the spring? And that new roof you built over the patio for us? It's perfect! How did you know? It fits just right and looks so nice. Thank you so much, its things like this that let us know you love us too...

Happy Hour is another way we know you care. Our mouths are watering just thinking of your 4 - 7 p.m. deals...What will it be next? A $2 Hefeweizen, a lemon squeezed with care? Or maybe a bar whiskey ginger? $1.50? Be still, my beating heart!

We love your parties, too, by the way. Your DJ's really spread the love, and your live shows are simply the best.

We can't believe you've been taking care of us for 70 years! And since Pit and his crew took over eight years ago, you've really shown your stuff, sweet Brotherhood. And like the finest alcohol, you only get better with age.

Love always,

Us

LINK: The Brotherhood's Anniversary show

MONDAY, DEC. 20, 2010 >>>

1. So the tree and the fairy lights are up, you have enough booze and unhealthy snacks to sink the Titanic, and your television is about to explode in a flurry of consumerism and romantic schmaltz. But there's something missing. That's right, folks: it just wouldn't be a happy holiday without some singing about God. And for that, there's no beating Handel's "Messiah," a piece for choir, orchestra and soloists that has delighted audiences worldwide for more than 250 years. As 18th-century music historian Charles Burney once said, ""Messiah" has fed the hungry and clothed the naked, fostered the orphan, and enriched succeeding managers of Oratories more than any single musical production in this or any other country." We're not totally sure what that means, so check it out yourself at 7:30 p.m. inside the Washington Center when the Student Orchestras of Greater Oympia presents their version, which so happens to be a sing-along. Nice.

2. "He sees you when you're sleeping, he knows when you're awake..." growls the tongue-in-cheek voice-over during the trailer for Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale, a Finnish import screening at 3 and 7:45 p.m. inside The Grand Cinema. Will this sinister Santa flick unravel into nostalgic camp like its '80s predecessors, Christmas Evil or Silent Night, Deadly Night? Find out for yourself.

3. The Harmon Brewery and Eatery has launched a Monday night blues series kicking it off with HD Hobson from 7-10 p.m.

4. The Tacoma Cult Movie Club is a collective of people who enjoy cinema on the outer fringe of the spectrum. They'll convene at 7 p.m. inside the Acme Grub Cage to enjoy a double feature based on a theme "Don't Feed The Plants" plus with shorts, trailers, film serials, and the lifeblood of the TCMC: the raffle.

5. The Jerry Miller Band will perform at 8 p.m. inside The Swiss.

LINK: More arts and entertainment events in the South Sound

LINK: Subscribe to Spew

BANDITO BETTY LOU WHO LEAP OF THE DAY >>>

"Back away from your giant nachos northend regulars! I'm the mutha elfing Foursquare Holiday Mayor of Magoo's Annex & Eatery now!" screamed Bandito Betty Lou Who – our very happy friend who leaps for us on Spew. "I bet you don't have THIS in your jukebox!"

Read more...

DONATE TO A LOCAL CHARITY >>>

There's no better way to support your community than supporting your neighbors in need, especially during the holiday season. We'll feature local charities on Spew throughout this holiday season with links to donate your money, supplies and time.

Give the karmic wheel a spin for today's charity focus:

Habitat for Humanity "Store"

10 a.m. to 5 p.m. Tuesday-Saturday
505 Puyallup Ave., Tacoma
253.779.8149

The notion that hope begins with picking up a hammer permeates the attitude one meets at the Habitat for Humanity ReStore.

"I would use the word ‘hope' to describe what we do here," commented Karen Roice, the store's general manager.

But with that hope comes a bit of history.

Karen Roice

Many individuals know of the Habitat for Humanity program.  Former president Jimmy Carter highlighted the program during the mid-1980s due to his volunteer work in building houses for families which otherwise could not afford to own a home without community support.

Simply put, the Habitat for Humanity program is designed to make it possible for low income families in substandard housing to own their own homes, purchased with a combination of "sweat equity," volunteer time and donated materials and labor to lower the costs of constructing a house.

Founded in 1976 by Millard Fuller and his wife, Linda, Habitat for Humanity is a nondenominational Christian ministry the meets the universal need of all people for decent shelter.

The Fullers called their vision "the theology of the hammer."

Since its inception, Habitat has built more than 350,000 houses around the world, providing more than 1.75 million people in 3000 communities with safe, decent and affordable shelter.

But in order for the hammer to do the work of building hope for a better future here in the Tacoma/Pierce County area, a Habitat for Humanity Store provides the means of making the dream of home ownership a reality. 

"This is where I was meant to be," continued Roice as she walked through the downtown Tacoma store, talking with some of the volunteer staff members.

"This is where prayer has led me."

The Tacoma Habitat for Humanity Store recycles overstocked, discontinued, new and gently used items donated by manufacturers, stores, contractors and individuals.  These items are sold to the public or used in Habitat for Humanity home construction.

Revenue from sales helps the local Habitat affiliate in support of its home building program.

Not surprisingly, the Tacoma Habitat for Humanity Store has a short but powerful history.

Asked in 2005 to start a store with an eye to funding Habitat for Humanity's construction, Robert Estrada took his 1997 Dodge pick-up truck and a donated 10 by 5 trailer and when to work.

"I liked the challenge of starting the store," he said as he stood in the spacious showroom.

Estrada said the store began in a donated building near St. Joseph Hospital.

"There was no heat, but we used it for about 15 months before moving here," he said.

Robert Estrada

Now located at 505 Puyallup Ave. near the Tacoma Dome, the brightly painted storefront offers customers a wide variety of home improvement products.

"Everything is accepted - including the proverbial kitchen sink," added Roice.

Donated items are cleaned up by volunteers and then sold at drastically reduced prices. The proceeds from the store help the Tacoma/Pierce County Habitat for Humanity program buy the materials to build decent, affordable housing.

Everything from dining room furniture and lighting fixtures to plumbing, paint and appliance is available.

Funds from the store have helped the local Habitat reach its 2010 goal of building 15 to 20 homes.

As an added benefit, the store's ability to save, sell or reuse unwanted materials keeps unwanted items out of local landfills.

"Every dollar spent here keeps a pound of waste out of local landfills," commented Roice.

As Roice and Estrada went about their duties, volunteer Mac MacKinen put prices on donated items.

"We're kind of a box of chocolates here; you never know what you'll get," said MacKinen with a smile.

The Habitat for Humanity Store is a 501c (3) non-profit organization, so donations are tax deductible.

The store is open from 10 a.m. to 5 p.m. Tuesday through Saturday.  Donations are welcome; pick-up  

Donations are welcome; pick-up is available. And yes, volunteers are always needed.

LINK: Donate to Tacoma/Pierce County Habitat for Humanity

LINK: Donate materials to the Store

LINK: Volunteer at the Store

Previous Mistledole charities

• Tacoma Community House
• Lindquist Dental Clinic for Children
• Olive Crest
• Emergency Food Network
• Catherine Place
• Mary Bridge Children's Foundation
• United Way/Project:U
• Santa Silvia/Mary Bridge
• Thurston County Food Bank
• Fisher House
• Lakewood Area Shelter Association
• CenterForce
• Tacoma Goodwill
• Rebuilding Tacoma South Sound

WHAT I LOOK FOR, PART II >>>

Here are more ways for you, the theater director, to impress the hopeful critic-me, and your paying customers.

There's so much amazing live and recorded entertainment in the South Sound that it's wasteful to pass up any possible method of connecting with your audience...which brings us to your pre-show experience. So many theaters squander the impact of imaginative lobby and program designs. Why waste that opportunity? Spray a fragrance that'll ease your patrons into the world of the show. Choose music that conveys a mood or thematic idea.

The first thing I do when I enter a theater proper is look at the set. I watch how it's revealed. Is it visible immediately, or have you saved it as a surprise? Do I feel comfortable in the theater? If not, is it because you decided to disorient me in some way to amplify location or theme? Bertolt Brecht, for example, would rather audience members were thinking than relaxing. Of course, I'd rather not be shivering, but I suppose it might serve some artistic purpose. Just make sure you had out cocoa at the intermission. There's not a critic (or audience member) alive who isn't mollified by free food and drink.

I read the entire program, starting with the Director's Note. I want to know what you, the director, think your show is about, and I watch to see how well you convey that idea.

Ah, the dreaded curtain speech. Man, I hate 'em. I'll just tell you that up front. You've done all this work to seduce me into the world of your show, then you yank off your carefully-chosen music and panhandle in contemporary clothing. I know theaters need money, now more than ever, but couldn't you at least devise a more creative way of asking for it? I love it when a director integrates curtain speeches into the environment of the show itself. Is there some reason your curtain speech couldn't be rephrased in, say, iambic pentameter? Could it be sung? Included in onstage graffiti? I'm just spitballing here, but if you haven't noticed by now, two of the chief things I look for in a show are focused creativity and consistency of setting and tone-what theater snobs call "unity." Y'know how some movies put the opening studio titles in a graphic style that resonates with the rest of the film? Yeah, I'm a sucker for that. Open your show in a way that lures me in, and you stand an exceptional chance of keeping me right where you want me...in the world you've helped create for two hours.

LINK: Script is king

WHAT TO EXPECT FROM THIS WEEK'S VOLCANO >>>

Christmas time - and Christmas vacation, if you're lucky enough to get one - is a great time for movie watching. It's also a great time to release a movie, if you're a big time studio or famous director - people will be sitting around, trapped with their families, and looking for ways to burn a couple hours as painlessly as possible. It's the perfect storm.

This week, the famed Coen Brothers release their take on the John Wayne classic, True Grit. Early indications are it's pretty good. The Volcano's own Adam McKinney - one of the only remaining local movie critics around - will have a review of the film in this week's paper.

Until then, here's a peak at the trailer, followed by a refresher on the movie that came before it ...