HO HO HO >>

Every year our Christmas dinner has one flaw.  We have no gripes about eating the same menu annually - ham with cherry sauce, green bean casserole, twice-baked potatoes, and freshly baked rolls. It's the Jell-O salad that gets us. 

Our mom makes a strange concoction of dark cherry Jell-O with Coca-Cola and bits of cream cheese, which is not as bad as it sounds, but she serves us a slab on top of a piece of iceberg lettuce.  The lettuce is our mom's way of dressing up a barren salad plate, but the lettuce taste is transferred to the Jell-O.  We end up eating lettuce-flavored Jell-O, and trust us we've protested. 

As we gather around the Christmas dinner table with family and friends - feeling fortunate to even have food, family and friends - no doubt we'll have Jell-O on lettuce again.  We'll eat it, with a smile

What ever this day brings you, the Weekly Volcano staff wishes you a merry one. As always, thanks for reading, commenting and joining the fun. Cheers!

WEEKLY ADVICE ABOUT PET PEEVES AND TRIVIAL MATTERS >>>

Happy Christmas everybody! The holidays are a time for sharing and giving and laughing and fun and wow look at the sleigh go whoosh!

I hope you all are having a goodtime feeling. I can only imagine what that's like: I'm actually writing this column before Christmas. "What?" Yes. "Get outta here!" No thanks. "That was a crazy time, I can barely remember it." OK.

Right now I'm on an airplane heading back to the South Sound via Chicago, so I'm having a mixed goodtime/poortime feeling.

Complaining about airplanes is pretty old, though. Here's a picker-upper: airplanes are amazing flying machines! That's really cool! A trip that in pre-Women's Rights times would have taken weeks now takes hours. That's pretty great!

Plus today, women – excuse me, ladies – can vote! Let's say "thanks" this Thanksgiving.

Our only question aujourd'hui comes to us especial ... from the North Pole!

QUESTION: I'm a normal college guy, which is to say that I'm lazy. Unlike other kids, though, I have a secret habit. I love smoking fat doobies or sometimes bongs of pot. My RA would totally get up in my business if she found out, so I need to wash my clothes a lot to get rid of that natural, organic, herb, healthier-than-legal-tobacco, peace smell. My problem? People keep taking my laundry out and putting it on the chair if I'm even two minutes late dealing with it. All my clothes are ruined! What can I do to stop these bozos? I should mention that I'm OCD.

---A Prominent Senator's Son

Easiest answer, APSS? Stop smoking grass. Second easiest answer? Stop doing laundry. But you're not here for easy answers and platitudes. You want something edgy, hardcore, urban – not urbane. You want to take an African safari.

On the darkest continent things can go wrong just by one misstep. Everyone plays by the rules, so that'll gel with your obsessive-compulsive disorder. In the middle of Africa, in the very heart of darkness, there is a machine, a beautiful machine, a powerful machine – a frightening machine. Want to know why Belgium stopped raping the Congo for incredible amounts of rubber? Let's just say that technology works both for and against men.

"Hey Owen," you might be saying. "You can't take an open-air grassland safari in the Congo jungle, get you're story straight!" Well anybody who's been on African safari knows that between when they let you pet the elephants and when they show you the real elephants, they offer you a special option. They ask if you want to go inside a secret hole. Usually people say no. That hole takes you physically to the machine in the Congo, OK? Trust me already why don't you?

Unhinge your jaw and slither into the hole. Belle & Sebastian's new release, Write About Love, starts playing. Want to go Loko? Four Loko Watermelon Aftertaste enters through the IV. Don't get even – go Loko.  Bushmen shake their heads and call you "witchy" as they watch safely from their SUVs. The tunnel is dark but here and there you pass an oil lamp in front of a souvenir shop. With no color vision you guide yourself solely by your nose, following the sweet smell of success. It smells a lot like pot, like some of that real good premium B.C. Taj kush at Jessie's last Wednesday, you know the stuff. So that part should be easy for you. Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring (Extended Cut) is blasting on somebody's sick 5.1. You can follow if you're too straightedge for cough cough illegal marijuana drug.

Just climb the ladder. Now you're here. The machine is a Whirlpool dual washer-dryer combo. You don't even need to move your clothes; it does all the work for you. Plus, you can leave your clothes in here as long as you like. Problem solved. It only takes nickels.

On a serious note, happy holidays. If you celebrate Christmas, merry Christmas! If you recognize New Year's, happy New Year! If you participate in Ascension Day, I have absolutely nothing to say to you. 

Stay warm!

We're getting a transmission ... it ... it couldn't be him ... the Major Spaceman Column. Patch it through.

Please direct all questions to: askepettyquestions@gmail.com.

LINK: Petty Questions is on Twitter!

SUNDAY, DEC. 26, 2010 >>>

1. We should all pay more attention to train enthusiasts. No, listen, stop laughing. They embody both the history (choo-choo trains, cow catchers, waving handkerchiefs from the platform) and the future (mass transit, commuter rails, park and ride) of transportation.  Further study of their beliefs and practices is encouraged - try, for example the Model Train Festival, the Washington State History Museum's salute to the tracks and equipment from the Great Northern, Northern Pacific and Union Pacific railroads from the 1950s. There they (and you, should you follow our advice) will experience the museum's permanent HO-scale layout, the largest permanent train layout in this state, and the talent of eight model train clubs from 10 a.m. to 5 p.m.

2. If you've seen A Stardust show before, you know what to expect: a jukebox musical strung around 1940s crooner classics. Think Forever Plaid minus a decade of musical evolution, or a live version of The Lawrence Welk Holiday Special. We're a fan of several members of the cast, director Linda Whitney, and Harlequin's jazz combo, but not so much of Stardust's unthreatening musical vernacular. But even I dug "Little Jack Frost Get Lost," "Everybody Eats When They Come to My House," "Boogie Woogie Santa Claus" and a lovely arrangement (by Syd Potter) of "Angels We Have Heard on High," featuring high harmony by Alison Monda. Harlequin Productions stages the show at 2 p.m. Read our full review of the show here.

3. It's the day after Christmas (finally, finally, finally).  Having exhausted all financial resources barring the sale of various vital organs or offspring, you drive the streets, dejected, unsure of what to do now.  You venture into Spanaway, and you see stars - white stars, red stars, blue stars, in fact all sorts of colored lights. It's Peace on Earth. Your mouth forms a wondrous "Oh." You reach out for your loved one's hand. He/she slaps it and tells you to stop being so sarcastic.  The light seems to be coming from Spanaway Park.  Yes, you're sure of it.  Well, God bless us, everyone, it's Fantasy Lights.  From 5:30-9 p.m. the whole park is one big ol' jolly drive-through light display, animated mind you.  The windows fog up.  There goes your hand again. OK, we have to stop there.

4. For eight freakin' years in a row - never wavering - the Randy Oxford Band has encouraged (hell, inspired!) you to get out of the goddamn house the night after Christmas and shake some of the tinsel and stuffing off. It's known as the "Tis the Night After Christmas Get Out of the House Party."  And although that's a fairly wordy title, the gist is pretty simple - the South Sound's mad horn-blower and his gang of bluesy merrymakers tear the house down (in this case, Jazzbones - and not literally) while you shake whatever it is you have to shake on the dance floor. In short order, and without fail, good times are had by all. This year, if you don't get that fancy new tech gadget or expensive perfume you're hoping for, at least you'll know the Randy Oxford Band will always be there for you on the day after Christmas, from 7-10 p.m. Also, you should stop being so materialistic. ...

5. Tonight at The New Frontier Lounge, veteran local hardcore trio Cody Foster Army will be playing one of their "disarmed" acoustic sets. The early show (starts at 7 p.m.) also includes Looking for Lizards and Rich Bundy, and has a post-holiday wallet-sparing two-for-one entry policy. We caught up with CFA mastermind Cody Foster to find out more about the gig, and his band's plans for the New Year. Read the interview here.

LINK: More art and entertainment events in the South Sound

MONDAY, DEC. 27 >>>

1. Get the week started on the right foot when Cold Shot busts out a tribute to Stevie Ray Vaughan tonight at the Swiss in Tacoma. Soul patch facial hair is optional, but highly encouraged.

2. Did someone say Jager bombs? Monday means one thing at Jazzbones on Sixth Ave - Rockaraoke, the institution that only seems to grow stronger and more belligerent with time. Come drink and sing your problems away, backed by a live band!

3. It's movie night at Le Voyeur! We have no idea what's showing, but chances are it'll be cool and you can grab some great grub while you're at it - not to mention drinks.

4.  Like trivia? Got a team? It's team trivia night at Farrelli's Gourmet Wood Fire Pizza in Lacey - a combination of two of our favorite things. Amazingly, you probably also like to drink and win prizes, meaning this Monday night event is totally for you.

5. Beer pong is huge - even bigger than when you were at WSU, bro. Check out Big Wheel Steakhouse and Lounge tonight for $7 Highlife pitchers, $5 one topping pizzas, and $3 drink specials - not to mention a beer pong throwdown with signups commencing at 9 p.m. and games starting at 10 p.m.

LINK: More arts and entertainment events in the South Sound

LINK: Subscribe to Spew's RSS

CHECKING IN >>>

How was your Christmas? (This is the part where you say, "How was your Christmas, Spew?")

Awesome, thanks.

So, we're staring 2011 right in the face. Some of us are telling ourselves that we'll eat less next year. Some of us are anticipating a new year's culinary delicacies. Some of us are wondering why the hell we're working the day after Christmas.

Wherever you're at, keep in touch. Foodie New Year's resolutions? Awesome Christmas haul? Money-saving ideas for the continuing not-so-Great Depression? Let us know.

LINK: South Sound Restaurant Guide

SOME POP THE CORK, SOME POP FIREWORKS, SOME PEOPLE WEAR LADIES UNDERWEAR>>>

In various South American countries like Bolivia, Ecuador or Brazil, people celebrate New Year’s by wearing a pair of brightly colored underwear, for good luck. According to tradition, wearing a pair of yellow underwear at midnight will bring you great wealth and prosperity, while wearing red will help you find true love.

So now you know ...

WHAT I LOOK FOR, PART III >>>

When I watch a play, I take in all the same elements you do - set, costumes, lighting, music, dancing, movement, acting, writing and so on - but I also look deeper. As I said before, I watch for focused creativity and unity, meaning consistency of setting and tone. Here's how those two elements play into the body of a show:

Do the director's choices amplify or detract from the show? Directors are the last members added to the theatrical team, but they can elevate a quality script to an unforgettable experience. Imaginative staging turns lunch money into spectacle. Is every scene played "on the nose," or has it occurred to the cast that some characters may be lying? Is the lighting purely literal? How about the music? Were the only surprises in the show written by the playwright, or did this troupe come up with ways to keep us mentally engaged during quiet moments?

Do all the characters look and act as if they belong in the same play? Is the acting or performance style reasonably consistent from actor to actor? (It'd be weird, for example, if only one member of a Molière cast rapped.) Does the director understand the world of the play, and has he or she helped us absorb it? Do the details make sense? Props are a dead giveaway. (Next time you attend a production of Macbeth, for example, keep an eye on the banquet scene. Table forks weren't used in Scotland until five hundred years after the time of the play.) Do the characters seem comfortable in their costumes? Are those costumes accurate? (Here's another example: Cleopatra VII seldom wore Egyptian clothing. She was Greek and preferred Hellenic togas for all but ceremonial occasions.) Does each background character have a plausible function in his or her fictional world?

With regard to acting, I'm a Meisner guy - I was trained in the largely reactive technique popularized by director and acting teacher Sanford Meisner - so I'd rather watch actors interact with each other than pose for the audience. "Heroic" and "fabulous" bore me. Mugging annoys me. Does each actor understand what he or she is saying? Are they racing through Elizabethan meter in some horrendously misguided attempt to shorten one of Shakespeare's plays, thereby rendering it incomprehensible? Is he or she droning Sophoclean dialogue because some academic scholar said that's the way Oedipus Tyrranus was performed 2,500 years ago? (It probably wasn't, by the way.) Do the lovers have sexual and romantic chemistry? Is the villain inexplicably melodramatic? No one, not even a truly evil person, actually says, "Bwahaha." I've never seen it happen in 42 years, and neither have you. There is such a thing as reality, even in a thriller.

LINK: What I Look For, Part II

LINK: What I Look For, Part I

SMILE, PARKLAND, YOU'RE ON CAMERA >>>

Inspiration comes largely from observation, from noticing the unique in the mundane. The seed of an idea may come from a book, a building's architecture  or, in actor-turned-director Mick Flaaen's case, two people outside Northern Pacific Coffee Company near Pacific Lutheran University.

And voilà - Flaaen's first short film Welcome to Parkland.

Flaaen got his start in front of the camera over 30 years ago at Lee Strasberg's famed Theatre and Film Institute in L.A., under the tutelage of Elia Kazan's daughter. Now a SAG actor, he lives with his family in Parkland, dabbles in local theater and next year will receive one of the last video production degrees from Clover Park Technical College's dissolving program.

Last year Flaaen attended the Palm Springs International Film Festival, and after gorging on a weeklong buffet of several hundred shorts, he and Parkland producer Steffen Hauglum resolved to make their own. Flaaen based his dramatic script on conversations his two friends shared during regular visits to the Garfield Street coffeehouse. The friends play versions of themselves in the film, with first-time actress Kim Whalen as a carefree woman suddenly coping with her dad's need for a kidney transplant. Shooting with a snazzy Canon EOS 5D Mark II, the director and his cameraman, Bob Potasky, had good reason to keep things local.

"My whole thing (as a filmmaker) is to remain true to where I'm from," says Flaaen.

WTP is undergoing some finishing touches, and then, according to Flaaen, it'll be off to the festival circuit to give distant audiences another peak into life on our small piece of the map.

Check out the trailer here.

LOOK FOR THE LIST IN THIS WEEK'S VOLCANO >>>

Roger Ebert is rarely short on opinions -- which makes sense, since (along with incessantly Tweeting) offering opinions on films and movies is his job.

In this week's Volcano, Ebert will offer his list of the ten best films of 2010.

SPOILER ALERT: Unstoppable doesn't make the cut.

But what does, you ask? You'll have to wait until Thursday to find out (unless some other paper that publishes Ebert's syndicated work has already run it ...).

Here's a glimpse from one of the films on the prestigious list.

Feel free to discuss the choice amongst yourselves below ...

TUESDAY, DEC. 28 >>>

1. Tuesday night rock shows are the things memories are made of. It'll be hard to go wrong tonight at The New Frontier Lounge, when local favorites Ten Miles of Bad Road bust out the punk-spliced alt-country. Added bonus: It's Justin's birthday.

2. While we're talking about local favorites, it's worth mentioning that Tim Hall will be at the Summit Pub in Puyallup tonight. If a Tuesday night at the Summit Pub doesn't scream for some top-notch blues - the kind Hall is known to provide - we don't know what does.

3. Be honest. Christmas with your parents didn't go well. There's a reason you hate them. Shake off some of that anger tonight at Jazzbones during Ha Ha Tuesday - as always, hosted by Ralph Porter. Tonight's headliner is James Heneghen, and also features comic Ed Rubin.

4. Watch a rare Tuesday night NFL game- the first since 1946 - when the Eagles take on the Vikings tonight. Hell, even better, do it at Tacoma's Varsity Grill, or Ram Brewery, or Loose Wheel Bar and Grill.

5. In Olympia, check out the regular Tuesday night movie at Northern. That's all the info we have - but Northern is an all-ages venue you can trust.