Here's a joke to get you in the spirit of St. Patty's Day:

Two Irishmen, Pat and Murphy, saw a sign saying "Tree fellers" wanted.
Murphy said to Pat, "If only Seamus had been with us, we'd have got that job."

Now that you've had a good chuckle, read on for the lowdown about where to get your Irish on in the South Sound.

Friday, March 14

Piping Duo opens the Celtic Festival 2014 at The Harp & Shamrock, 3-5 p.m., 2704 N. Proctor, Tacoma, 253.752.5012. Head to neighboring North End Tavern after for Irish beers.

TK Irish Pub and Eatery hosts Whiskey Syndicate, Ben Union and DJ Triple-Nine while you munch on shepherd's pie, bangers and mash, corned beef and soda bread, 8 p.m., 109 S. Meridian, Puyallup, 253.604.4791.

Saturday, March 15

It's true what Doyle's Public House in Tacoma proclaims, "Saturday, March 15, is Working Person's St. Patrick's Day." For the special occasion, Doyle's will bring in free live music with The Rusty Cleavers and Ethan Tucker Band and Irish-themed menu specials like the classic corned beef and hash. 8 p.m., no cover, Doyle's Public House, 208 St. Helen's Ave. S., Tacoma, 253.272.7468

The Celtic Festival 2014 continues with Highland piper John Vance at 10 a.m. and Mooncoyne at noon, The Harp & Shamrock, 2704 N. Proctor, Tacoma, 253.752.5012.

The Pierce County Firefighters Pipes and Drums band will be roaming Tacoma on some sort of St. Paddy's Day Pub Crawl. You've been warned.

Pre Patty's Punk Party w/ Shake It Off, Regional Faction, Offtrack and Psycho 78, 8 p.m. no cover, O'Malley's Irish Pub, 2403 Sixth Ave., Tacoma, 253.627.9403

St. Patty's Party w/The Funk Agency and AKA and The Heart Hurt Goods, 9 p.m., $3, McCoy's Tavern, 418 Fourth Ave., Olympia, 360.352.0696

TK Irish Pub and Eatery hosts Flogging Molly cover band Groove Colony and Grinder while you munch on shepherd's pie, bangers and mash, corned beef and soda bread, 8 p.m., 109 S. Meridian, Puyallup, 253.604.4791.

Sunday, March 16

The Celtic Festival 2014 continues with Magical Strings, 2-4 p.m. at The Harp & Shamrock.

Traditional Irish group Caladh Nua's will play a wide selection of instruments, such as banjo, fiddle, guitar, bodhran, tin whistle and button accordion. 7:30 p.m., $19-$49, Rialto Theater, 301 N. Ninth St., Tacoma, 253.591.5894

Monday, March 17

And for those of you who don't work normal hours (I'm looking at you service-industry, college students and artists with your own hours), on actual St. Patrick's Day, we have parties for you, too.

Doyle's Public House opens the doors at 6 a.m. and the party won't stop until 1:59 a.m. The music lineup includes The Missionary Position, Staxx Brothers, Science and Stephanie Anne Johnson. If you're worried about standing in line, come in and get the 2014 St. Patrick's Day shirt. It takes care of the door charge and there is no waiting in line while you are wearing it. Pro tip: Ask for Tuesday off.

The Celtic Festival 2014 ends with Irish dancers Scoil Rince Slieveloughane at 1 p.m. and Highland piper Jack Montgomery at 3 p.m. at The Harp & Shamrock.

TK Irish Pub and Eatery hosts Folsom Prism and Just Dirt while you munch on shepherd's pie, bangers and mash, corned beef and soda bread, 8 p.m., 109 S. Meridian, Puyallup, 253.604.4791.

The Hub at Gig Harbor Airport will be throwing a bash featuring games, contests, beer, booze and Irish food, 6 p.m., 1208 26th Ave. NW, Gig Harbor, 253.853.1585.

Rock the Dock Pub & Grill will be throwing a ShamRock & Roll St. Pat's Party, 6 p.m., 535 Dock St., Tacoma, 253.272.5004.

At The Brotherhood Lounge in Olympia, DJ Slimrock will spin soul, funk and more. And as in years past, there might be a surprise visit from bagpipers as well. Jameson's Irish Whiskey and Guinness specials. 9 p.m., no cover, The Brotherhood Lounge, 119 Capitol Way, Olympia, 360. 352.4153

And at O' Blarney's Irish Pub, there will be Irish dancing and singing and an Irish-themed dinner menu. 9 p.m., $5, O'Blarney's, 4411, Martin Way, Olympia, 360.459.8084

OK, time to add to the list. What's missing?

As we mentioned Monday, Tacoma Beer Week is on, and ends Saturday with hoopla at the Parkway Tavern.

Have you tried the special Tacoma Brewers Collaboration Neo Noir Belgian Black IPA? I found one at The Red Hot and another at Narrows Brewing. Four hops varieties produced a fruitiness that melds well with the spiciness of a Belgian yeast strain. Caramel malt, de-husked black malt and Belgian candi syrup builds a rich body without being overly sweet. Nice.

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I suppose we all knew it was inevitable, this return to the Frank Miller well. With a Sin City sequel on the way, it's about time we get a follow-up to the tastelessly pulpy spectacle of 300. What's most baffling about the whole thing, though, is who has been chosen to take over the helm in Zack Snyder's wake.

Noam Murro, director of 300: Rise of an Empire, was previously only known for one film: the faux Noah Baumbach dramedy, Smart People. Starring Dennis Quaid in the Jeff Daniels role of the antisocial intellectual, Smart People was a passable look at the bad side of elitism and the stifling blowhard culture of academia - all clear signs that its director would surely be destined to send a sword-and-sandals epic blazing to the silver screen, right?

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This just in from Joint Base Lewis-McChord Public Affairs office:

JOINT BASE LEWIS-MCCHORD, Wash. - JBLM commander, Col. H. Charles Hodges, Jr., will accept a $20 thousand donation on behalf of Joint Base Lewis-McChord from the NFL and USAA Million Fan Salute at 3 p.m. Thursday at the Hillside Teen Center on JLBM Lewis Main.

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GRAB A CUP AND READ THE MORNING REPORT FOR 3.6.14 >>>

Crimea's parliament voted to join Russia and its Moscow-backed government set a referendum within 10 days. 

The response at a Senate Armed Services Committee hearing on the defense budget was expectedly frosty, from both sides of the aisle. 

CIA Director John Brennan fired back at reports that the CIA spied on Senate staffers' computers while accusing lawmakers of making "spurious allegations."

Under the Army's fiscal year 2015 budget request, soldiers will receive a 1 percent pay increase as well as a basic allowance for housing increase of 1.5 percent and a 3.4 percent increase in basic allowance for subsistence.

Top U.S. defense officials told Congress that if the Pentagon were allowed to bust its budget caps, it would save one aircraft carrier and tens of thousands of troop billets slated for elimination.

The U.S. Defense Department's proposed budget for fiscal 2015 would significantly boost funding for certain types of drones, helicopters and ships.

The Pentagon's fiscal 2015 budget request funds new projects aimed at making U.S. ballistic missile defenses more accurate and reliable, a senior official said.

The U.S. Air Force's top military acquisition officer expects the cost of the new long-range strike bomber to exceed an expected per-unit cost limit.

Progress remains steady in the F-35 Lightning II joint strike fighter's operational testing, reprogramming, fueling, and stand-up training.

If U.S. and NATO forces are required to leave Afghanistan at the end of the year in the absence of a security agreement, the Afghan government's long-term viability "is likely to be at high risk," the commander of U.S. Central Command told Congress yesterday.

William Kyle Carpenter, a Marine Corps veteran who was severely wounded during a November 2010 grenade attack in Afghanistan, will receive the nation's highest combat valor award.

Digital Training Management System is the Army's future for training.

The Army is fielding a major software upgrade to its electronic medical record system.

Twenty percent of U.S. soldiers had mental illness before enlisting.

Frozen World War I soldiers appear in the Alps.

You're a 16th century German prince plotting to crush a peasant rebellion, or perhaps you're leading an army against the Ottoman Empire or looking to settle the score with a rival nobleman. What's a guy looking for a tactical edge to do? Bring on the rocket cats!

It's legal in Massachusetts to secretly photograph a person's undergarments - without them knowing.

Pee-wee Herman's bike is on eBay.

The comedy duo Garfunkel and Oates is coming to IFC this summer.

Finally: a True Detective/Twin Peaks mashup.

A Game of Thrones mixtape is on the way.

Speaking of Games of Thrones ...

Game of thrones Opening Titles from Mathilde Loubes on Vimeo.

THURSDAY, MARCH 6 2014 >>>

1. Give Harlequin Productions an A for ambition in tackling Tennessee Williams' masterful Cat on a Hot Tin Roof. The 1955 Pulitzer Prize-winner is still a sizzler, with words one does not use in polite company even after decades of Williams' tweaks and revisions. This romp through the Seven Deadly Sins (avarice, lust, envy, greed, pride, sloth and gluttony, for those keeping score) hits the stage at 8 p.m.

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Hey folks, our Best of Olympia 2014 issue, in which your humble and helpful Weekly Volcano staffers – and readers – show some love for all the things that make Thurston County so nifty – is now online.

Thanks for voting, and thanks for reading. Without further ado, click here

Has there ever been more excitement about a grocery store remodel than the new McChord Field Commissary Club's opening tomorrow?

At 8:30 a.m. Friday, March 7, the ribbon will be cut and people will rush toward the 10,000-square-foot area to buy oversized packaged products commonly found in commercial warehouse club stores, such as Costco or Sam's Club.

What's better than giant jars of peanut butter?

Throughout the day vendors will offer food sampling demos and drawing for $25 commissary gift cards.

Nice!

For one group of TRICARE beneficiaries, life is getting a little easier and a little more affordable ... and they won't even have to wait in line at Madigan Army Medical Center.

A new pilot program will require TRICARE For Life (TFL) beneficiaries to use the TRICARE Pharmacy Home Delivery or a Military Treatment Facility (MTF) pharmacy to fill prescriptions for select maintenance medications.

The pilot, which will begin March 14, will conclude in Dec. 2017, at which time the determination of whether to make it a permanent program or not will be made. However, after the end of the first year of the pilot, beneficiaries can choose to opt out of the program.

Read more...

GRAB A CUP AND READ THE MONRING REPORT FOR 3.7.14 >>>

The Pentagon unveiled a detailed proposal for fundamental, far-reaching changes to the current military pension system.

The Senate defeated Sen. Kirsten Gillibrand's bid to take military sexual assault cases outside the chain of command.

Marine Corps Maj. Gen. Walter "Lee" Miller Jr. and British Brigadier Paul A.E. Nanson indicated that although the Afghans lost control of some southwestern checkpoints they've been successful in taking them back.

Defense Secretary Chuck Hagel warned that "tough, tough choices are coming" if the Pentagon implements deep future spending cuts required by law. 

Cutting the army by about 19 percent seems severe; until one considers that the Army has actually grown by about 14 percent in the last ten years.

House Armed Services Committee ranking member Rep. Adam Smith, D-Wash., wondered aloud how any lawmaker could criticize the 2015 portion of the Obama administration's Pentagon budget for adhering to spending caps set in a 2011 law and extended via a recent budget resolution that passed both chambers.

DoD plans no cuts to spouse tuition program.

Lawmakers criticized the Pentagon's plan to strip the National Guard of the AH-64 Apache and the A-10 Warthog.

PACAF Gen. Carlisle: Pacific needs better allied, U.S. air-missile integration.

A diplomatic crisis between Saudi Arabia, the United Arab Emirates, Bahrain and Qatar could pose problems for U.S. foreign policy in the Arabian Gulf.

Space, once called the ‘final frontier,' is no longer a sanctuary; it's a much more developed terrain, much more congested and contested than ever before.

NASA plans on sending an unmanned vehicle to search for life in the oceans of Europa, Jupiter's sixth-closest moon.

Scientists unlock mystery of out-of-body experiences.

Getty Images has made 35 million photos available to use for free online.

AMC released the first teaser for the final season of Mad Men.

Take a look at Andre Benjamin as Jimi Hendrix in the new biopic.

Kawehi is an awesome singer and musician, capable of creating pieces like this cover of Nirvana's Heart-Shaped Box.

Finally: Chocolate chip cookie shots.

Oh la la