STEPH DEROSA: ROLLER DERBY BOUT SUNDAY >>>

I can see it in your eyes. You’re tired from the retched Valentine’s season. All the shopping, partying, candy, and superficial statements of love have worn you down. You can’t even think about what’s coming up next. Is it St Patrick’s? There’s a bunch of green, some pinches, some kisses, and a ton of beer. Damn, I bet you can hardly think straight with all the holidays swarming your precious brain.

As if you needed one more festive occasion to crowd your calendar, I’m going to remind you of the Dockyard Derby Dames Expo Bout on Sunday, Feb. 24 at the Skate N’ Station in Parkland. Since you’re so weak from all the Valentine’s boning that commenced last week, I’ll make it simple and point out all the pros and cons for you:

It’s a Sunday night. What the hell else are you going to do? Don’t say there’s a show on TV or I’ll kick your ass. It’s 2008, DVR, baby (pro for you, con for NBC).

World famous roller derby fan and blogger All Bout Derby will be in attendance. AND it’s his birthday. This to me is an open invitation to spank, punch, and verbally harass him (pro for me, con for All Bout Derby).

The Breaks from Tacoma will be there to tear your face off with punk rock rage (pro for your mental state, con for your eardrums, or vice versa).
Beer, broken bones, and babes (pro for all erectile dysfunctions, con for all livers).

I will be there (Pro for me, Con for everyone around me).

The choice is yours, and it should be easy. Contact me if you want to volunteer, otherwise you can buy your tickets in advance or at the door.

LINK: Buy your Expo Bout tickets here.

Past Derby Diaries

LINK: Meet The Marauding Mollys.

LINK: Meet Hellbound Homewreckers.

LINK: Meet the Femme Fianna.

LINK: Meet The Trampires.

BRAD ALLEN: INDOOR SOCCER >>>

Former Tacoma Stars players will play in a reunion match Friday, Feb. 22 at the Tacoma Soccer Center. This annual event has a twist this year: The match is titled "NW Legends Night" and includes soccer players from other clubs, too.

The match starts at 7 p.m. Tickets are $10 for adults, $5 for kids ages 11-18, and free for kids 10 and younger.

LINK: Goal Seattle.

BOBBLE TIKI: ANODYNE, RANDY QUAID, TIGHTWAD TUESDAY >>>

THE DAILY WORD
Learn it, use it, spell it
Anodyne \AN-uh-dyn\, adjective:
1. Serving to relieve pain; soothing.
2. Not likely to offend; bland; innocuous.
Noun:
1. A medicine that relieves pain.
2. Anything that calms, comforts, or soothes disturbed feelings.

USAGE EXAMPLE: Shortly after dropping out of the 2008 Presidential Campaign, Mitt Romney retreated to the back of the Mitt-mobile and took five or six bong hits â�" an anodyne both for the pain of defeat and pain in his checkbook.

THE MORNING NEWS

SEATTLE: Randy Quaid is fucked up

TACOMA:  Puyallup is fucked up

CAMPAIGN �08: The Clinton campaign is fucked up

SPORTS: Jim Zorn is fucked

HUSTLER OF CULTURE
You can stand atop the mountain and scream your naked desires to the universe or shed that synapse epilepsy and hug the South Sound today with your fellow man:

MUSIC: Yesterday, Bobble Tiki complained it was Monday and there was nothing to do. Today, Tuesday, one day closer to the weekend, and there's still not much to do. It is Tightwad Tuesday at Hell's Kitchen, a Weekly Volcano sponsored event, so Bobble Tiki's boss would probably appreciate it if he mentioned that. And it is Loud and Local Night at Maggie O-Tooles. But, in all honesty, Bobble Tiki foresees spending another night on the couch in his sweat pants. Thatââ?¬â?¢s just the way Bobble Tiki rolls sometimes.   

MORE MUSIC: What's on tonight
FORUMS, BITCH: Check-em out

THREATS AND PROMISES COLUMN
Bobble Tiki's Threats and Promises column runs every week in the Volcano. Yesterday Bobble Tiki told you he'd be covering Sean Costello's show coming up at Jazzbones this week. Bobble Tiki lied. He changed his mind and will now be covering Team Unicorn Records and their party at Bob's Java Jive this weekend. Bobble Tiki hopes he hasn�t disappointed anyone, but feels confident in the decision. Bobble Tiki will not be losing any sleep over the matter.

Breakfast with Bobble Tiki runs six days a week now. Deal with it.

STEPH DEROSA: SKATE WITH THE DOCKYARD DERBY DAMES >>>

Does the thought of skating with some derby chicks make you wanna shit your pants?  Then buck up, strap on the Depends diapers, and join me for Dockyard Derby Dames roller derby bootcamp. It will be Feb. 25 and Feb. 28, 8-10 p.m., at the Skate N Station.

Unless you're hardcore, you only need to attend one session. Bring $5 and a valid ID.  If you have skates and gear, feel free to bring that as well, but don't feel as though you are less of a skater if you don't have it all.

If after that you still think it'd be damn cool to skate with the Dames, you can try out on March 2 at the Skate N' Station.

Oh, and one more thing: say you like roller derby, but have that old kegstand injury you're still nursing from college.  Well, you can still help me out.  I need volunteers for the bout on Feb. 24.  C'mon people, show me some love.  Say you will come help me do things such as setting up, eating food, and walking around in an important looking T-shirt.  Come clean with the help here.

STEPH DEROSA: DERBY DIARIES >>>

It’s typically the beers that bring out the best ideas in men, and this beer-minded creation is one of the best I’ve ever heard: Men’s roller derby league. No, I’m not kidding. Finally I can watch men compete in something I love, something I know, something that gets me all hot and bothered. I’m talking roller skating!

Come March 8, the greater Puget Sound area will witness history as it’s made. Together in the Tacoma Soccer Center, four men’s roller derby teams will compete in the ultimate inaugural match known as “Throwdown in the Sound.” I bet you didn’t even know men’s roller derby existed, did you? That’s what I’m here for, you can thank me later.

The men’s Puget Sound Outcast Derby League was formed about a year ago by Chuck “Hollywood” Bury in partnership with other roller derby refs, coaches and speed skaters. There was no immediate shortage of male skaters in the area, and the team was formed almost immediately. Together with a few other men, one being Heywood Jablowme, they set a goal of having this “Throwdown in the Sound.”

Amongst the men’s teams present at this amazing competitive showdown are: Diamond City Death Kings (Pennsylvania), Twin City Terrors (Minnestota) and Dallas Deception (Texas). About five other teams from around the nation will be representing that night, as they will be split between the already four competing teams.

One HUGE surprise I had as I chatted with Mister Heywood Jablowme was that the OSDA (Old School Derby Association) is sending a hall-of-famer to skate a demo and talk derby at the men’s bout. Judy Sowinski aka “Queen of Mean” or “Polish Ace” will be there showin’ you guys the way it went down in the 1950s, old school style. Not the hokey shit from the 1970s, but the real stuff.

Be prepared to join me, and be amazed on March 8 at the Soccer Center. If you’re smart, you’ll get your ticket’s now, and if you’re even smarter you’ll contact these guys and help volunteer.

And as always: You can buy your Dockyard Derby Dames Feb. 24 Expo bout tickets or help volunteer with me as your volunteer guide.

If there’s any Dockyard Derby Dames roller derby team to run in fear from it’s the Irish Instigators, the Femme Fianna. By “run in fear” I mean that in a skating sense, and a “meet you in a dark alley” sense. No, they’re not mean and ruthless â€" just if they had to beat you up, they’re definitely tough enough.

The toughness and passion for what they believe is grown in their hearts, and it shows in the long practices, hardcore skating, and willingness to get up and go again after they’ve been knocked down. Ever hear that saying, “What doesn’t kill you will only make you stronger”? That’s what’s happened to these Irish ladies, and boy oh boy, are they stronger than ever.

Last year they went through some challenging times finding the right skaters for the team, and for most of the season the Fianna’s skated without a coach. Yet through all of this they were able to shake the Irish curse, strap on those skates, show heavenly cleavage, and kick some roller derby ass.

Sometime near the middle of the 2007 season the Femme Fianna’s acquired an amazing coach by the name of Veronica Vicious. If the name sounds familiar, it’s because she is a Rat City alumni, and she’s graced the Fianna’s with all of her talented experience. In her back pocket she held a priceless gem by the name of Chuck Hollywood Bury. Hollywood has been an asset to the Dockyard Derby Dames as a whole, helping with all-league practices and strengthening clinics. Both Hollywood and Veronica have been blessings to the Femme Fianna and the Dockyard Derby Dames.

Fianna’s to look out for

T’Erin Traxx: She is a trained and experienced ice hockey diva. Fast? Yes. Knock her down? No way.

Diva State, Rat City retiree: She’s one of the best skaters in the league and knows all the right moves. I personally think she has 12 eyes strategically located all around her head. She can see anything coming or going.

Slim Finnegan: Fast, dangerous, talented, and hot. She can jump and bounce those skates around any obstacle. Did I mention she’s fast? â€" Steph DeRosa

Buy your tickets now for the first bout Feb. 24, or for the season here.

Past Derby Diairies

LINK: The Marauding Mollys.

LINK: Hellbound Homewreckers.

The Hellbound Homewreckers of the Dockyard Derby Dames have found their answer to what can be the mundane ways of housewivedom. They’ve found it in skating. Hardcore, roller derby, knock ‘em down skating, that is. As disgruntled housewives, these “ladies” (and I use the term “ladies” very loosely) don the 1950s domestic womanly apparel. With small kitchen appliances as their weapons, all I’m gonna say is you better run when you see one of these mamas coming at you.

Last year they lost one of the best roller derby coaches to the call of marriage and entrepreneurship. He was Big ’n’ Tasty, aka Chris Trashcan. This year they’re rolling in with an equally awesome coach, Barry Maneltoe. Maneltoe has been keeping the Homewreckers hard at work for this upcoming 2008 season, which begins Feb 24 at the Skate ’n’ Station.

I spoke with Marcel duStomp, the HW co-captain, and she has given me the heads-up on whom everyone needs to watch out for this season:

Deutsch Bomb â€" The Iron Curtain of blockers.

Pink Tattilac â€" Although she’s one of the newer recruits, she’s proven her dedication and strength. Only two weeks in of her derby career she broke her collarbone, but now she’s back in full angry force. Keep your eyes on this new meat.

Cookies and MILF â€" Whoa baby, this one is hot. And I mean that in every way. Hold on to your husbands and don’t blink. This girl is a trained speed skater and quite possibly the best jammer in the region.

The Homewrecker message to the other three Dockyard teams: They’ve re-vamped the greatness they’ve always had, so watch out. They’re back and better than ever. â€" Steph DeRosa

It's official. Tacoma Rainiers has a new Rhubarb the Reindeerâ€" 20-year-old South Hill resident Payton Foutz. He was one of several individuals who tried out for the mascot position over the weekend. Foutz was selected based on his “awesome performance,” according to Rainiers spokesperson Geoff Corkum.

Foutz was asked to react to several different scenarios during the tryouts including a scared 5-year-old child and a sexy girl in the stands several sections away. He wowed the judges with his finale, putting his high school high-jumping skills to the test and leaping over Tony Canepa of Schlegel Sports. Foutz, who’s expected to start his training soon, replaces 32-year-old Tony Villa, who relocated to Washington D.C. â€" Jamie Forsythe

While most were still snug in their beds this morning, 20-year-old South Hill resident Payton Foutz was giving his all during today’s tryout for Tacoma Rainiers popular mascot Rhubarb the Reindeer.

Foutz seemed a bit nervous at first when he entered the conference room at the Rainiers Administration Offices in University Place. However, he quickly got over his jitters and pulled out a handful of Pez candy â€" his favorite sweet treat of all time â€" from the pocket of his windbreaker pants. “I never leave home without Pez,” he said tossing the miniaturized-packets of Pez to folks around the room, who included representatives from the Rainiers and Schlegel Sports and members of the local media.

Discover how Payton Foutz performed this morning on the Weekly Volcano Web site. â€" Jamie Forsythe

Last night I got to knock heads with some tough bitches.

Camera in hand, and prepared for warfare, I ducked into the Skate-N-Station to get the skinny on the Dockyard Derby Dames’ 2008 season.  Get ready to see these girls go down, they are on fire and ready to kick off the season Feb. 24, 6 p.m., at the Skate-N-Station.

The first bout of DYDD Season 2 is an expo bout, which generally means it doesn’t count towards the season’s record.  But don’t worry, they’ll be kicking ass as usual.  The entire league will be divided into two teams: Good and Evil.  Don’t ask me yet who is going to be on what team, because they don’t even know.  I think this is because they are having a hard time deciding who is actually good, and who is the lesser of the evil.

Regardless of who is on what team, they were all practicing together in one of their weekly all-league practices.  I got to chat with Blonde Amazon, schmooze with Skate Pauli Girl, and grab many hugs from all the cool derby gals.  I love these girls so much that The Weekly Volcano and I are going to be your key source to all inside Tacoma roller derby info.

So for now I’ll let you know the DYDD 2008 Season basics:

Season Tickets are $100 and include: Entry to all eight bouts for the 2008 season, a free drink ticket to each bout, a DYDD T-shirt, a personalized season ticket holder badge, and a savings of approximately $16 in service charges by not buying the tickets individually.

All bouts will be at the Soccer Center after this first Feb. 24 expo bout, which is being held at the Skate-N-Station.

The dates for the 2008 season bouts are: 2/24, 4/5, 5/3, 6/14, 7/26, 8/23, 9/27 and 10/25.

There will be a visiting travel roller derby team at least half of the 2008 season bouts.

Tickets for the Feb. 24 bout will be available for sale next week on Brownpapertickets.com.  They will be $10, with a discounted ticket costing $8 for all children, military, derby girls, and seniors.

Beer will be $2 a cup.  (This is very important.)

Once at the bout, it’s cash only.

Tickets for the bouts being held at the Soccer Center will be $15.

On March 8 there will be a “boy bout.”  (Stay tuned for more details.)

Volunteers are needed for the Feb. 24 bout.  E-mail me for more information. â€" Steph DeRosa